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The Color Wheel of Emotions

Emotions have taught mankind to reason. ~ Marquis De Vauvenargues
 
Ever since I was a kid, I've expressed my emotions more aptly in color than anything else. I would refer to the color that I felt my innards were at that particular moment. It's probably more an aura thing than anything else, but I realise that I still catch myself expressing the emotion in color.

Red was anger. Fire smoldering, destructive and fiery anger. The redder the color, the madder the rage. Usually I get uber angry about once a year. It takes alot to get me there, but once I'm there, watch out!

Gray was bored. Incredibly and insanely bored. I've been in alot of grays lately. I can even identify the different hues.

Yellow was happy. Being that my happiest moments occur in the sunshine it's not hard to think where I got this one from. Of course, yellow does have different hues, from the vague tint in lemon water to the darker shades that are so happy you're turning orange.

Pink was love. (what else?) Mainly because it's the color of the girl in me and she's happy when she's in love. I tend to wear alot of pink clothes as well, just cause I look so darn good in pink.

Of course green was jealousy. And the level of jealousy depended on the hue of green. The darker the color the more jealous the emotion.

Black was hate. Not used that often but surpassed Red in it's intensity. Usually reserved for those that have deeply wronged me and can never, ever be forgiven. Thankfully there are only 2 people on that list.

Brown---depression. Not used that often but it's usually an ugly cauldron of alot of emotions. Yes, there are different shades of brown, but usually I have only 2 depths to my sadness. Very sad or just a wee bit sad. So I guess that would make only 2 depths of depression?

Blue was ambivalence. This occurs usually when I'm caught in that lovely balance of emotions that Libras strive to achieve. I love being balanced. I tend to be blue most of the time, and as you can see, being blue isn't a bad thing at all.

Those are the most colors. I know it doesn't make any sense but chalk it down as one of my little quirks. If you had a color palette, what would yours be?

Comfort in expressing your emotions will allow you to share the best of yourself with others, but not being able to control your emotions will reveal your worst. ~ Bryant H. McGill

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Sex Ed Begins at Home

When we became pregnant, I immediately considered what the future might hold. I heard the phone ringing, "Uh, yes, Ms. Levkoff? This is the head of your son's elementary school calling. Do you know what he has been teaching his classmates?" Seeing as he is my son (and I would have told him everything), I would imagine that he would be teaching girls that the correct name for their genitalia is vulva, and telling boys about how cool it is when you have an erection.

Continue reading "Sex Ed Begins at Home" »

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The Truth About MySpace

I finally got it. After years of trying to understand what the attraction to internet hook ups over face-to-face encounters was, I realized I needed to look at the “web-scoping” dynamic the same way I look at my vibrator: its just a toy.

Its no coincidence that now, four months after I met the man that I’ll most likely spend the rest of my life with, I can make sense of all those dating hassles that troubled me so and for so many years. I was just toying around. I may have fooled myself into believing that I’d meet the man of my dreams on CupidJunction.com, but honestly? I really wasn’t ready to stop playing.

First I tried Match.com. I thought the fact it was the most popular dating site at the time meant it was a credible place to meet the highest quality dating prospects. This is a joke. Although I know people who met by internet and later married, I think blind luck is the catalyst for the more successful dot com relationships; the more serious the relationship, the dumber the luck. I envied people who stepped into this luck, but I never saw that happening to me. I was too busy weighing options and clicking my way to one exciting hook up after another. It was fun.

MySpace is the worst and the best example of this theory. During the past year MySpace was anointed the most popular website in the country. I guess a lot of us want to play around. And what shaped my particular opinion is the fact that I became a member for other reasons than to scope and play.

I left my full-time job and started my writing and consulting business about a year ago. I created a MySpace page a few months prior to see if it would be a good place to network, find interesting subjects for articles and meet clients. It was! I connected to so many folks in the media business, people that I wouldn’t otherwise have known of, and it indeed led to much work, party invitations and paychecks. But damn if I didn’t need to weed out several messages every day from guys applying the A.B.C. rule of sales to scoping: Always Be Closing. It didn’t matter to them that my profile didn’t include any bikini shots or the not-so-subtle pleas for “a nice guy,” they saw an attractive woman and gave it a try.

So I started asking around. I studied the sites of guys casting their lines out to me when I make it clear that I’m swimming in a different pond. They seem to spend several hours a day on MySpace, put much energy into improving their total “friends” count and send the same comments to the every woman. Women are doing the same.

Isn’t this the same energy we put into emailing, pix and text messaging and music downloading? We do love our toys don’t we?

My First Time Buying Condoms

I totally am stumped as to what to write for today, so, for your reading pleasure, I'm going to attempt to talk about the first time I actually bought condoms.

When I was in college, of course you could just pick up condoms quite easily by going to the medical clinic with complaints of a *cough* and while the nurse is pulling up your information, you swipe a few from the basket right on top of her desk. I found it quite easy to visit the clinic, mainly because my major was nursing and we did practicals there, so I was one of the main condom suppliers back in college (could have started a racket and made big bucks but I didn't think that far!) All the ladies in my dorm would come to my room and swipe them from my nightstand the way I swiped them from the clinic. Being that I never needed them, I didn't really care, just kept swiping and giving them away. I had condoms everywhere, my backpack, my pockets, my drawers. I was the Condom Queen.

Flashback to a year after graduation when I finally decided to take the plunge and start having sex. There was no conveniently located *clinic* where I could get some condoms and I had gotten rid of all my stash post graduation when I was moving back home. (I hadn't wanted my ultra-conservative mom to find any and have a fit that I was having sex out of wedlock).

So what's a girl gonna do? For some reason, it didn't occur to me that gas stations and men's bathrooms had condoms. I went to a bonafide supermarket. I felt like everyone was looking at me, knowing what my mission was and reading my motrification as I glanced furtively through the aisles to find what I was looking for. There was no way in HELL I was going to ask one of those friendly supermarket people where the condoms where kept. I scoured the whole place, scanning shelves with supersonic vision at supersonic speeds. I wanted to get this done with and over with. Speed was a necessity!

Continue reading "My First Time Buying Condoms" »

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Redefining the Word "Test"

I had my first AIDS test at 19 (when I was a freshman in college). And while it was a scary experience – it was an important milestone for me. Yes, it’s back to school time again and “testing” doesn’t just refer to how many multiple choice questions you can fudge your way through while checking out the hot guy/girl next to you.

Continue reading "Redefining the Word "Test"" »

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Women in the Blogosphere Update!

I hope everyone won't mind me jumping on again today to toot my own horn a little bit.  I checked in with BlogTalkRadio today and discovered that I am a finalist in their Women in the Blogosphere series!

Continue reading "Women in the Blogosphere Update!" »

A Condom is a Girl's Best Friend.

I was talking to a girlfriend about condoms recently, and she asked me why my boyfriend and I were still using condoms if we'd both been fully tested for STDs and were in a monogamous relationship.  Like with any lesson hard learned, I was eager to share the why.

Continue reading "A Condom is a Girl's Best Friend." »

Hey Baby, What's Your Number?

I imagine that some women like it when random men on the street hoot and holler at them or look them up and down while making kissy noises.  I do not.  At its worse, it scares me, and at its best it skeeves me out.  What makes these men think it's OK to sexually objectify me in public?  Are some men actually raised in barns?  By cavepeople?

Continue reading "Hey Baby, What's Your Number?" »

Drug Store Cowgirl

I read an article in Women’s Health recently that detailed all the ordinary, household items that can be used as sex toys. Duh! The premise was to make it easy to play off your freaky deaky around the kids and easily dodge the prying questions of nosy friends who visit. “Oh, what’s this feather duster doing sitting right here?” You get the drift. Sex toys are now taking up major space in the market, especially among women, and I won’t begrudge anyone their right to sell a specific product to make a profit. However, I’ve always believed that its the makeshift toys, harkening back to banging on a saucepan with a spoon to make music when I’d just gotten a toy guitar for my birthday, that we have the most fun with.

It got me thinking. Aren’t there other, more unidentifiable, home goods out there that just need to be looked at in a different, more sexual way?

My very first boyfriend had a thing for my lipgloss. Yep, that ultra-shiny, Maybelline stuff that came in the glass tube with the roll-on tip? He loved it so much that he requested his own tube to make his below-my-belt escapades just that much tastier. Hey, whatever keeps him down there. How about the garden-variety deck of cards? An impromptu game of strip poker is always a pleaser. Ever make a cock ring out of a latex glove or that latex tubing they sell to diabetics?

I would never suggest going the discount route for condoms or other protective measures, but we can have loads of fun with the low-cost, generic versions of many other finds around the house.

Holler back at me: who’s using clothespins and baby oil?

Time to Buy Plan B!!!

Finally...The FDA has approved Plan B's OTC status for women 18 and over. Granted, it is still located "behind the counter" (so that women have to show their IDs), but it's a start. (And you if you've read my blog, "Plan B for Me? Maybe..." you know how I feel about all of this. So Hurray! It may be a small step for womankind but definitely a step in the right (I mean "left") direction:)

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Research Says a Woman's Sex Drive Plummets

A study done in Germany by researchers of the Hamburg-Eppendorf University interviewed 530 men & women aged over 30 and found out that a women's sex drive decrease significantly once they have been in a relationship for more than 4 years.

No way dude! Was my first reaction when I read the article. Sure I'm not over 30 nor have been in a relationship for greater than four years, but I do have some very strong plans to still be regularly knocking boots when I'm waaaaay over that age/time frame in my current relationship. "They found 60% of 30-year-old women wanted sex "often" at the beginning of a relationship, but within four years of the relationship this figure fell to under 50%, and after 20 years it dropped to about 20%."

However about 80% of guys still want regular sex well after that point. Of course. 

I'm highly skeptical about this. First of all, I think their pool of research was slightly skewed, I mean, did they ask any 20-somethings who have been in long term relationships? And doesn't this directly counteract the theory that women peak sexually in their 40s? Besides, what makes German ladies big ol' freaks in the bedroom anyway? They should have interviewed some straight up sex lovers like me.
The rational for why a woman's sex drive declines may be down to supply and demand. If something is in infinite supply, the perceived value would drop, said one of the researchers. I disagree with that. It should read something like, "if the supply isn't as good as it was earlier in the relationship, then the demand will drop."

After all, isn't it after a few kids that some guys will start to develop all kinds of tendres for other younger women? Trust me, if I think you are screwing the secretary, there is no way I'm going to want to sleep with you anyway. Throw in the proverbial "mid-life crises", where guys try to relive their youth and you have a recipe for rejection and disaster.  I think the fault must like somewhere in the male domain. After all, they need Viagra to get jiggy with it after a certain age, and some claim to lose attraction for the beautiful female form that has nursed and given birth to all their friggin' kids and want something younger and more supple.

I think I'm going to conduct my own study....just to disprove them. I need some volunteers that have been in relationships longer than four years. Is it true that security and commitment diminishes your sex drive? Or could it be that other facets like children, work, bills etc. get in the way and couples have less time to spend canoodling than they did in the past?

What are your thoughts?

Read the full article HERE.

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Sex After Baby: Does it Ever Get Better?

As a new mom, I am well aware of how challenging sex can be after you've given birth. Everything looks different, feels different, and if you're breast feeding,  those once erogenous zones may not be as titillating (yes, I did say that) as they once were. (In fact, you might not want them titillated at all).

Continue reading "Sex After Baby: Does it Ever Get Better?" »

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Happy Birthday To Me: The Evolution Of My Sex Life

Today’s my 36th birthday. I always weigh, measure and evaluate my life’s progress on my birthday. Many of us do this. Either on New Year’s Day, at Christmas or at our birthday, we’ll stack up the year’s events, our accomplishments or failures, to see where we are. As for my sexual growth over these past several years, I LOVE where I am!

I was the prototypical late bloomer. Skinny and tall, intelligent and well-rounded, I wasn’t exactly the guy’s first pick for Saturday-night dates in high school. College wasn’t much better, although I did get some experience and earned the richly deserved title of “supreme ball buster.” But as I neared my 21st birthday, I was still technically a virgin. I hated the mere idea of that. I thought I’d be forever branded “unsexual,” the pretty, yet exclusive chick you’d better not mess with. I needed to make some changes.

And change I did. At least on the outside. In a few short months, I remade myself into a new version more closely resembling girls who, I believed, got the most male attention. The word promiscuous wouldn’t be inaccurate. Damn it, I needed to make up for lost time. I ramped up my boldness quotient, wore provocative outfits, drank a little more heavily, anything I thought would get and keep a guy’s attention. I was getting my freak on, by any means necessary!

I was never terribly modest, so I started taking my clothes off with anybody who responded. I endured much nonsense that the “real” me would never even consider. But I did learn so much about sex, sexual politics and why I’m so glad to be back to the “real” me. Being a girly, girl may have gotten me some much needed bedroom experience, but its who I am now, and really always was deep down, that my current flames tend to appreciate currently. I can’t count how many times my most recent boyfriends have commented on how much they love that I can watch a football game without needing to ask what’s going on or that my strength and the fact I always know what I want is such a turn-on. They love that I’m just as sexy in a tee shirt and jeans as I am in a short skirt.

Now I’ve reached a point where I have absolutely nothing to prove. I can use my girliness like a toy, pulling it off the shelf when its necessary (or fun), then putting it back for safe keeping. My most powerful self, my most sexual self, IS the woman who takes no crap.

Women in the Blogosphere

I just got word of some exciting news! Both Liz Rizzo and I have been nominated as semi-finalists for Blog Talk Radios Women in the Blogosphere Series as a result of our posts on ElexaSexySmart.com  Finalists will be announced on Friday August 25th, and we will be sure to keep everyone posted.  Log onto  http://blogtalkradio.blogspot.com/2006/08/women-who-rock-blogosphere.html to read the full announcement of semi-finalists.

"I Have A...": How to Handle the News About STDs

Okay, it's 2006 and we are not strangers to sexually transmitted infections. (Don't freak out just yet...this isn't to scare you, but it is a reality check). According to recent statistics 65 million Americans have some sort of incurable STD. Yeah, 65 million...so, there stands a good chance that someone may tell you that they have one, and you are going to have to decide what to do and how to do it.

Continue reading ""I Have A...": How to Handle the News About STDs" »

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Asking the Right Questions About Sex

The highly intelligent Dr. Annie from Smart at Love has a really important post on her blog this week. She asked 200 respondants to take a survey on her website and in it found out that only half of them actually ask the truly important questions about sexual health before getting intimate with your partner. Instead, we waste our time asking trivial questions, like  "Do these jeans make me look fat?", "Is she hotter than me?" and  "Would you ever sleep with my best friend?"

Why do we prioritize superficial aspects first and our sexual health last? Is it because we are shy? Is it because we don't want to truthfully examine our own past behaviors? Is it because we are so hot for him that regardless of what he says we will sleep with him anyway? There could be several reasons for this trend, but in this day and age---they are all excuses. We've got to ask the hard questions. Even if it might be a mood-killer, it opens the channels of communication and keeps you safe. It's better to know what you might be dealing with sooner rather than later. Knowledge is power. Stay safe. Stay smart. Ask!

Before engaging in any sexual encounter with a member of the opposite sex, it's very important to ask the crucial sex questions. No hanky panky until your questions have been answered to your satisfaction. You are the one in charge of your sexual well-being, so don't balk at this. Annie enumerates these questions on her site.

  • Are you married?
  • Are you sleeping with other people?
  • Are you already involved with someone else?
  • Do you use condoms? What percentage of the time?
  • Do you use any drugs?
  • Do you have an STD? Have you ever had an STD? If so what and were you treated for it?
  • Have you been tested for HIV/AIDS? When was your last test?

Read the rest of Dr. Annie's article HERE.

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Some Boys Open Doors for Girls

I like it when a guy opens a door for me.  More than that, I've begun to recognize it as an indication of his character and his upbringing.  It's a simple courtesy, and I value it.

Continue reading "Some Boys Open Doors for Girls" »

Moving in Together; Sooner or Later?

When I was an undergrad, the thing I wanted most in the whole world was to live with a boy. I kept trying to turn my immature romantic relationships into family.

Can you guess what came next?

Continue reading "Moving in Together; Sooner or Later?" »

More Music and Sex

Music and Sex has been a hot topic this month, both here at ElexaSexySmart.com and in the national Media.  Fellow blogger, Kellie Murphy wrote about it in her article What’s your favorite Sexy Song? and Logan Levkoff referenced a new study from the Journal “Pediatrics” in her post Dirty and Degrading Lyrics Increase Teen Sex questioning our intolerance to certain song lyrics.

Last week I was quoted in an AP article about this same very study.  http://msnbc.msn.com/id/14227775/

As is usually the case for experts, a lot of points I made in the interview didn't make it to print so I’ll post them here.  One of the major points I was trying to make is that parents have a much greater influence on their teens than the music does, for example, simply by spending more time with them than the boob tube.

All too often, everybody is looking to blame everything/everybody else besides the parents when it comes to unfavorable activities their kids are up to. A collective responsibility of the teens, music, parents, media, and community is being completely overlooked in making these findings in any way useful as well.

Futhermore, music's role (videos included) in teaching young people about sexual coercion wasn't discussed in the AP article, yet certainly it would seem to be a component in the fact that these lyrics are degrading, reinforce negative gender stereotypes, and promote male machoism.

Courtney Harding dissects the study over at the Huffington Post, saying “There probably is some link between listening to music that constantly alludes to sex and actually doing it, just as there is probably a link between sex and how much TV a teenager watches, how much time they spend on MySpace, and whether or not they spend their lunchtimes practicing cheerleading or playing Magic: The Gathering.”

So let’s continue the conversation about this.  What do you think?  Is music violating our sexuality? Are teens making unwise sexual decisions and putting themselves at risk for pregnancy and STDs because of their music habits? What positives can music lyrics bring to us so we can learn something about our sexuality?

Its Movie Night! What’s Your Fave?

I can still remember the first movie to make me tingle between my legs. It was a B-grade, cable TV classic (aren’t they all?) called Summer Lovers. It was around 1982. It starred a young Peter Gallagher and Daryl Hannah as a young American couple who travel to Greece for vacation and become much more free, open and sexual beings. They eventually meet a young local who teaches them the art of the threesome.

I have no idea why this movie was such a turn-on to me, since I’d never been to Greece and I’ve never had the urge to share my man with a stranger, no matter how attractive and mysterious. Perhaps it was the warm, languid way the film moved, or the simplicity of the story. Whatever it was, there’s something to be said for the subtle elements that make a movie sexy, especially since – for us women anyway – its got nothing to do with humpin’ and pumpin’.

I recently invited my boyfriend over and we watched a movie together. He’s a filmmaker and has the greatest taste; I have no reservations about allowing him to pick the night’s selection. He appreciates the nuances that make a movie great, not just the gratuitous sex and car chases that appeal to most men. We rented Brick, a critically acclaimed, art-house film with a decidedly atmospheric feel. It wasn’t about sex at all, but was really thought provoking and relaxing. I loved it! Then, I dragged my boyfriend upstairs.

What your favorite (sexually provocative) movie? What makes you watch it over and over?

SexySmart Podcast from MySpace

Take a listen to my SexySmart Podcast which I originally recorded for the Elexa MySpace group. Tell me what you think. I'll be uploading 5 more over the next few months.

Continue reading "SexySmart Podcast from MySpace " »

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The Pleasure of Condoms

So it seems that people are finally realizing that safe sex can be pleasurable. Wow, are we on to something or what? (total sarcasm here). "Making safer sex sexy" seems to be the latest wave in sexuality education. And thank goodness! What have we been waiting for?

Continue reading "The Pleasure of Condoms" »

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Freaky Requests from Your Lover

“There’s something new in bed that I would like us to try,” your lover broaches one evening. With trepidation you listen to his request, knowing that no matter how open-minded you are, there are some things that you will never, EVER do. What do you do when he wants you to do something in the sack that isn’t your cup of tea?

I always operate on the “Try It Once” policy. If I have never tried something, and it doesn’t sound too freaky, I will give it one shot. As in only one, if you mess this up or I don’t like it in any way you will stop immediately and I’m totally crossing it off the list forever and ever don’t ask me ever again!

If I had tried it before and have had a bad experience with it, I’ll articulate this to him. Knowing most guys, he will try to rationalise or allay your fears. “You didn’t try it with me so it doesn’t count. I’ll make it really good,” he might say.

Just keep in mind that your fears are very important and should not be pushed into a corner. You do not have to do something that you don’t want to do. Ever. There is no obligation that automatically comes with the assumption of a relationship. If having a boyfriend comes with all kinds of kinky, freaky strings attached involving animals, midgets, bondage or S&M I would rather forgo the boyfriend then give up my attitude. Because sex is supposed to be fun. And if you are doing something that you aren’t enjoying—HELLO, it’s no longer fun!

Be sure to communicate your feelings with him. If it seems like something you might be into, tell him that you will try it or think about it. During this thinking about it phase is when I talk to my girls to see if they have ever done this and what their stories are. Because honestly, I don’t want to learn the hard way that hand-blown glass really does break in one’s vagina.

As in all elements of a relationship, communication in the boudoir is very, very important. If he keeps pressuring you, or won’t let up on it no matter how many times you tell him no, suggest a really freaky idea of your own. I’ve found most guys back off really quickly when I tell them that to trade I have this fantasy of sticking something huge in their nether regions. Heh!

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Reading Is Fundamental…For Good Sex Too!

When I was young, sex-oriented magazine articles were, to me, akin to porn. I’d read them under the guise of “gaining knowledge,” but really, I was looking for juicy stories, tips, anything that would continue to stoke my already fiery sexuality.

Mademoiselle and Cosmopolitan were my favorites. I loved to read about those young women, more daring than I, who weren’t scared to tell their racy tales of doing the nasty in the back of their cars, on the beach, their parents kitchen tables or wherever. I even remember a Washington, D.C. business trip where, on the train ride home, I read one of these racier Cosmo articles while sitting right next to my preppy-as-hell boss! But as I got older, I lost the need for that and started to read different articles, the ones targeted more toward young women who wanted to make a difference in the world, or at least stay informed about what was happening to women around the world.

Now, I’ve come full circle. Blame it on being at my sexual peak if you need to, but current world events notwithstanding, I’m enjoying searching for books and articles that keep me abreast of the latest sex toy or gadget, the newest sexual health facts and statistics and, in general, what will continue to support my healthy sex life.

I want to read all about what will help me reach orgasm every time. I need to know what new birth control variants are out there. I have to keep an eye on sexy products, whether I’ll end up using them or not. And in addition, yes, I read these articles because they do sometimes really turn me on. Thanks to sex writers and sexologists, like our own Yvonne Fulbright, Logan Levkoff and Pepper Schwartz, I can stay informed AND stay stimulated.

Who Enjoys Blowjobs More?

When you ask a guy what he likes best about a blowjob, the most responses I've gotten had to do with the imagery. "It's the ultimate accepting act. She's fully receptive of my essence, taking me fully and unabashedly. With her between my knees the pose is submissive, as a supplicant worshipping at my temple."---Ok, so maybe they weren't this eloquent, but you get my drift;)

However, to the sexy females that I've talked to who love giving blowjobs, it's a whole different ballgame. For us, it's about the power. We don't see anything about it as us submitting to you....it's YOU who is submitting to US. You are the vulnerable one, legs wide open, yielding to our every touch, moaning at just the hint of our breath. We have the power to draw out the passion, to make you groan, to make you scream with ecstasy. For us, giving a blowjob isn't a requisite act of the girlfriend but something that we enjoy as well. You are at our mercy. Just the way we like it.

I guess in situations like this, it's a mutually beneficial scenario. You get a girlfriend who loves to savor your member and she gets a guy that she can turn into a quivering mass of ecstasy with one sultry look...and touch.

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Fantasies: Fear or Fear Not?

Recently, I said that masturbating is not cheating. Yes - I still believe that. But there is more to that story. Here it is: Sexual fantasies (no matter how bizarre) are completely normal. We might be married or otherwise involved, but we aren’t dead. If I lost all interest in hot musicians, aging celebrities, or the guy who gives me my Grande Skim Vanilla Latte, I would know that my sex drive was over. We’re alive and our fantasies are indicative of that.

Continue reading "Fantasies: Fear or Fear Not?" »

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When Your Relationship Status Meets Your Online Bio

I’ve got online bios. With a big plural on “bioS.” I’m on Friendster and Myspace and Blogher and some smaller community sites. Wherever you go in the blogosphere lately, you’re setting up a bio.

And there’s that question:  “Status.”  Easy when you’re single; complicated when you’re entering a new relationship.

Continue reading "When Your Relationship Status Meets Your Online Bio" »

Great Weather Rocks My World!

The thing about sex and sexual stimulation is that anything can be a great igniter and the same thing, or a variation of the same thing, can be just as much of a mood-killer. Take great music: your song is the greatest thing since sliced bread, but if your man doesn’t particularly care for British drum-N-bass in the bedroom, you’re in a little trouble until you decide on something you both like. Take too long to mutually agree and, whoops, there it went! We’ll try again tomorrow night.

Its the same with summer weather. Nobody can wait until the weather breaks. Guys look forward to seeing us with our bare legs in our shorter skirts and high-heeled sandals. We girls love the shirtless fellas on the basketball court and cruising with their tops down. But when its too hot? OMG! Get away from me! It ain’t happening! Try again when I’m not about to pass out!

The past couple of weeks had been unbearable, sweltering, and its no surprise I had the sex drive of a snapping turtle. The women in my family cannot handle excess heat and I’m no exception: 10 minutes in the heat and I turn into a dishrag. But then it broke. Late last Saturday night, while out scouting a story on street racing, I marveled at how cool and gorgeous it was outside, and consequently, how much more sexual I felt. The high-speed atmosphere, the sound of revving engines and the testosterone in the air surely helped, but the cooler, delicious breeze and clearer air were the true catalysts.

Don’t believe me? Try a flowing, linen skirt with no panties on a breezy, 75-degree summer night just after a wax. Wow! Try it this weekend!

How many sexual partners? I want to know!

I have a confession.  Ever since Vixen asked, Would You Tell Him How Many Guys You've Slept With?, I've been thinking about her post.  And while I certainly should have commented, I'm developing a bad habit of blogging instead.

Because I'm an asker, and I expect an answer.

Continue reading "How many sexual partners? I want to know!" »

Dirty and Degrading Lyrics Increase Teen Sex

It's funny that Kellie just wrote about music and sex, because that seems to be quite newsworthy these days. No, the press isn't talking about what songs turn them on, but they are talking about a new study that says teens who have Ipods (or other MP3s) that are filled with sexually explicit (read: degrading) songs are likely to have sex earlier. Whoa!

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Denying Beauty

Andrea wrote an interesting post on her blog last week. In it, she talked about having several discussions with women in which they deny or downplay their beauty. We turn down compliments from other women or instantly take the attention off ourselves with statements like, "Oh, this old thing? I got it on sale," or "Thanks but your look is so much better." However, if the attention is coming from a guy it's a whole 'nother story. Admiring looks and comments from guys we readily lap up with a dazzling smile. There are several things wrong with this concept, and Andrea expansiates:

Firstly, it assumes that a man/men validate women's beauty. It's ours and we own it. But time and again, we deny it, apologize for it, and feel shame about it. AND allow others to validate us, or not. You rarely hear women compliment themselves. That would be considered rude right?

Everyone thinks that beautiful people (and I know that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and that it's as or more important to be beautiful inside...) have it made. Not so. There's a great deal of guilt that hovers over your fine looks that you have to contend with daily. Apologizing for or down playing beauty becomes very second nature.

She's right. Each woman is beautiful, in her own very special way. We should own our beauty, love our bodies and stop apologising for being beautiful. If you don't love yourself, how can you expect others to love you? Inner beauty & radiance comes from confidence and high self-esteem. There is nothing wrong with preening in front of a mirror. There is nothing wrong with admiring your figure, your legs, your boobs and your face. There is nothing wrong with taking extra special care of your body--your temple.

Insecure people sometimes want to make others feel as low as they are. So they will criticize and harangue you, calling you names like vain, proud and an attention seeking. You shouldn't let their name-calling faze you in any way. You are beautiful. You are fabulous. You are special. There is only one you out of the 6 billion people in this world. And the world is so much better for it.

Read Andrea's article in it's entirety HERE.

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One Night Stand Rules

I've been reading a blog by a new Singleton who has been trying to have a one night stand for what seems like forever in her eyes. For one reason or another, the guys (5 at the last count) have all eliminated themselves from the running. This isn't because of any lack on her part, she's sexy, confident, intelligent and has her own place, but it's because the guys---have been caught slacking off in one way or another. What's up? I thought guys wanted to get picked up?

Don't take this the wrong way guys---but honestly, there are women out there who aren't all for a relationship. We aren't looking for you to instantly become a boyfriend. We just want a good shag session. Why is that so hard to find???

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What’s Your Favorite Sexy Song?

Ex-boyfriends should be kept in maximum-security camps, only allowed out for Christmas, and maybe for Mother’s Day. There are a myriad of reasons I’d vote for this, but for the purposes of today’s post I’ll explain just one: exes make it impossible to listen to some songs post break up!

I grew up in a musical home. My dad is a self-taught guitarist specializing in jazz. His father was a sax man also well versed in jazz and bebop. Needless to say, music was always on, all day and sometimes, well into the night. Music was like a member of the family and most of us have very distinct musical skills. Another benefit of music and making it a part of your life is the connection made between music and everything else, including the power it can have over your sexuality. This can spell trouble.

I have one ex, a D.J., who was never without a 90-minute tape of the latest love songs. I remember R. Kelly’s 12 Play was hot at the time (I’m dating myself, I realize this). Another ex, my first, thought he’d turn me on by choreographing moves every time we had sex. It was hilarious! He’d move up and down to the beat, when all I wanted him to do was get back to moving his tongue back and forth on my clitoris! It may sound weird, but I cannot hear or even reference some of the songs that were popular while I dated these clowns without thinking about them, and I mean deep thought. Perhaps I’m overly sensitive or music means just that much to me, but this can be a huge distraction.

My latest musical casualty is Sade. I love Sade! She doesn’t grace us with her melodic, sensual voice very often anymore, but during the 80s, my formative years, she was the crowned princess of late-night radio. And my most recent ex, knucklehead that he is, loves her too. Once he realized I own the entire Sade catalog, he couldn’t stay the night at my place without asking me to queue it up. Don’t get me wrong, I have some delicious memories of him with “The Sweetest Taboo” playing, but I’d still like to listen to it casually without drifting off into some silly, two-hour sex haze. Not to mention the memories inspired by the song that was playing one night in December when he drove us home from a party in Atlantic City and I treated him to a little “highway head.” That was a great ride.

But it gets worse.

We’re still friends. We still talk. I play with his kids.

We had dinner recently and caught up. “How are you?”
“Fine.”
“I have a business thing shaping up and I want you to help me out with it.”
“Okay.”
“Blah, blah, blah.”
“Blah back at you.”
And just to mess with my head…“So, I bet you can’t listen to Sade anymore.”

I hate ex-boyfriends. They should all be locked up.

Masturbation and Relationships: Can the Two Go Hand in Hand? (pardon the pun)

So you come back from (insert location of choice) and find your guy (or girl) under the covers, alone....but certainly enjoying himself (or herself). Yep, you caught your partner masturbating. Big deal? I think not.

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Summer Lovin’ Wet Sex Style

When it’s hot outside, but being indoors with your honey simply won’t do, nothing beats submerging yourself in water in getting things extra wet and wild.  One of the most popular concerns people have about sex in any body of water, however, is whether or not using a condom works, if it’s needed at all.  So if getting tangled up in each other this summer involves taking to a swimming pool or the ocean, make sure you consider the following safer sex advice well in protecting yourself before diving in for some dog day lovin’.

While seemingly carefree, pool and ocean sex do make for riskier sex.  Pregnancy can happen any time semen is spilled in the vagina or near the vulva, even in water - so a condom, like Trojan’s Elexa Natural Feel condom, should be used.  Yet, note that water can seep between the condom and penis, causing slippage, as well as wash away any spermicide you might be relying on.  Other factors to be aware of: Chemicals, salt, and bacteria in the water can be forced into the rectum or vagina during thrusting, possibly causing irritation, infection and temporary dryness.  Oil-based products, as well as chlorine, cause latex condoms to deteriorate, reducing the amount of protection you’re after.  In sum, as you and your lover attempt sexual positions and feats only known in the weightlessness of water, make sure his willy is well covered so that next summer’s fun doesn’t involve wading in the kiddie pool.

That said, sex in a pool or at sea can make for some new sensations and amazing action.  Positions mastered in shallower waters, especially when you’re at the beach, will depend on the amount of privacy you want and your ability to breathe, whether face up or lying down.  As you work your way into deeper waters, if both of you can touch the ocean floor, you’ll have more standing position options. Taking sex play to deeper waters still will require a tad more athleticism.  By wrapping your legs around his waist, he can enter you from a quasi-sitting position.  Asking him to flex his lower abs can make for a better, steadier thrust.  Ease your efforts with a floatable device, like an air mattress.  With your upper body lying on the mattress, he can enter you from behind while holding onto you or the device.  Lastly, given the many things that can be found floating or swimming in the water, make sure one of you has cleared the port before entry! 

If all of this sounds like more than you’re up for, or if you’re worried about a condom’s underwater effectiveness, keep the action on dry land.  Sex on the beach, under a pool towel, or in the great outdoors near a waterfall have long been popular for feeling like you’re submerged in water without actually getting soaked.  These are also certainly the most ideal options in getting the most protection out of your condom(s).  Regardless of what you choose to do, while most messaging around protecting yourself in summer revolves around whipping out your sunscreen, if he’s whipping out his penis in the heat of passion, make sure he’s sporting one of your latex lifesavers by Elexa in an effort to avoid pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections. 

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Men Without Mobile Phones

Do you play "I Never"?  No, not that one.  See, whenever a relationship ends, I console myself by listing all the things I never have to deal with again.  After one particularly painful heartbreak, it was, "I never have to date a smoker again."  Once, it was, "I never have to date someone shorter than me again."

Now, I've got high hopes for The Boyfriend, I really do.  But if the end comes, I already know the "never."  I will never have to date anyone who doesn't have a mobile phone again.

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Boy Toy or Real Toy? Do You Have To Choose?

This week’s opening salvo for Dan Savage’s Savage Love column is one for the memory books: a woman’s engaged to the man of her dreams; problem is, he’s jealous of her, ahem, “love toys,” and wishes she'd ditch them before the bells ring.  Savage palmed her off to fume over New York’s recent gay marriage decision, but hey, I’ll bite…

I think this is a legitimate issue. 

For those who aren’t affected by the gay marriage ban or something else just as urgent, these sillier issues of trust and confidence in sexual relationships are worth addressing.  They seem small, but they can add up to some major communication gaps and some serious sexual tension. 

Is there something bothering her?  Is she still attracted to me?  Is there someone else? 

How much do we do to let our lovers know we don’t love our toys more than our boys, that they’re just a fun substitute that aren’t meant to be threatening?

In Wednesday’s blog I mused about my fear of relying on my toys and what that could mean for my sex life.  I vowed to always value simple, skin-on-skin sex, like in the old days, rolling around on the couch before the ‘rents got home.  But let’s face it, our lives are more complex than in the old days, and with work, schedules, traffic, deadlines, bills, traffic, all this damned heat and humidity, (did I mention traffic?), a little short cut in the bedroom can’t be the worst thing in the world.  The female orgasm can be like that proverbial needle in a haystack and on some nights we don’t want to risk getting pricked.  Therefore, if there’s a simple, battery-operated device that can easily take us where we want to go, is it a wonder our guys may sometimes feel a little pricked as well? 

Now, I’m the biggest believer in self-confidence in women.  Whoever isn’t in support of a woman who is intelligent, sexy and in control is someone I don’t want around me, but Women’s Lib is not what we’re talking about here.  Men still aren’t encouraged to express feelings, especially those that may be construed as weak, so when your man is insecure about his ability to please you sexually but won’t say anything – and you go about your business without noticing he may need a little stroking (the literal and figurative kinds) – isn’t it inevitable that your relationship (and sex life) would suffer a bit?

Let me know what you think…

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You Have To Work, But Your Partner Wants To Play

"Are you sure you can't come over and watch a movie?"

"No, honey, I have to work.  I have to write tonight."

The Temptation of the Boyfriend.  I already gave in once this week, albeit after I'd finished my most important "to dos."

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Plan B for Me? Maybe...

It seems like once again the FDA is in the hot seat. Yes, it's Plan B...again. But this time, it appears that an over the counter (OTC) emergency contraceptive may indeed be a reality (let's keep our fingers crossed).

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Does Your Man Still Make You Tingle?

When do sex toys and products stop being an asset and start being a hindrance? I’ve heard of some couples who cannot become aroused unless the costumes, candle wax and handcuffs are at the ready. They’re more turned on by the daring and experimentation than they are the connection with their partners. This troubles me. Will that ever happen to me? Will I become so attached to my inventory of fantasies and my potions d’amour that I’ll forget that its about melting into my man?

What triggered this concern was the purchase of my first bottle of tingling lube. I thought it would be fun and interesting to feel how my body responded to it and for my boyfriend to surprise different parts of my body with it. Then, I started to muse about a time when we’d possibly lose the excitement and simplicity of each other, almost like drug addicts, on a shameless and hopeless quest for a better “tingle.”

I believe in being totally open about sexuality. I believe that whatever consenting adults find a turn-on is fair game. But when the toys take over and become the main course instead of the added spice, what do you do to turn it around and get back on track?

This is why such a large percentage of marriages are sexless. So many couples, the ones without a penchant for toys, cannot reconnect and turn it back around. How horrifying it is for a once-passionate, loving relationship to devolve into a business deal that convenes over morning coffee. But isn’t it just as horrific to be with someone you’ll eventually not recognize outside of your Thursday-night performances of “The International Investment Banker and the Naughty French Bellboy?”

So although I’m not giving up my lube any time soon, and I’ll probably experiment with many more sex aids before its all over, I am paying special attention to staying interested in simple sex: the fingers, tongue and friction variety. I try to always remember what it was like in the very beginning, as a teenager, when just the thought of a cute boy touching me got me excited. And KEPT me excited.

I’ve got an idea. I think I’ll go ask my boyfriend to help me with my math homework.

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When You are Too Tired For Sex

Sometimes, even the most highly sexual and passionate relationship can head for Slumpville. With busy lives, work schedules, errands, families and hobbies, it's very hard to juggle everything in addition to a fulfilling sex life.

Sure, we’re not expecting you to screw like rabbits 24/7 for the rest of your lives but if you haven’t gotten some decent action in a week or two (or more!), then consider this a wake up call. The excuse of having a headache or being too tired might work for a few times but eventually your significant other will start getting turned off and upset by your rejection.

I’m not rejecting him, I’m just too tired or don’t have the energy,” you might say, but recognise that he doesn’t construe it as such. Saying no to sex constantly tells him that you aren’t as attracted to him as he is to you. Since guys equate attraction with love this also sends alarm bells in his head that you aren’t really that in love with him. He might even start questioning your motives or if you are cheating on him. Sure in our world, it’s not logical, but that’s the way they think. 

You might say that just because you don’t feel like it you shouldn’t  have to do anything  you don’t really want to; or that ‘faking sex’ is worse than not having any at all however bear in mind that you are dealing with the male species. The average male thinks about sex about 72-206 times a day, it’s that important to their well being. So not getting any action for a significant amount of time is bound to drive him bonkers!

So what if you truly are genuinely tired? You want to have sex with him, but by the time you are done with your busy, long work day, errands, TV and dinner you just want to fall asleep. It’s hard enough waking up early in the morning around 6am but then waking up after not getting enough rest the night before is waaaay worse! You’ve tried to but it’s just not feasible during the work week to add anything else into the mix without ruining your day.

For starters, try reshuffling your schedule. You already make the things that are important to you a priority and sex should rank right up there with the other basic needs. You might have to TiVo/videotape your favourite TV shows to enter the boudoir earlier. You might even need to schedule it in for a few regular nights a week. Scrap all evening plans that you normally have and spend the evening chilling with your man.  Sure, it takes a bit out of the spontaneity angle-–but at least that way you can plan around your busy life and keep both of you happy, connected and sexually satisfied.

Or you could be like my friend Roxanne and have sex in the morning instead of at night. “It’s actually a more satisfying encounter. I set my alarm for about 45 minutes earlier, go to bed earlier and wake up with enough energy to have several bouts of love-play. It’s a great way to start the day and leaves me smiling for the rest of the day.” Yeah, there’s the whole morning breath factor but I’m sure that you are smart enough to figure out how to deal with that;)

It's a good policy to make sex rank right up there with other activities of daily living. Don't leave it out!

What other ideas do you have to keeping sex on a busy schedule?

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Would You Tell Him How Many Guys You've Slept With?

Now according to American Pie, the magic number (number of partners you each have slept with) differs drastically between men and women. They said that guys tend to exaggerate their number (so divide whatever they tell you by 3), while women tend to downplay their number (so multiply by 3). However, in my experience, I've actually found this formula to be utterly flawed and totally irrelevant.

For starters, you could have been with only a few people and yet had tons more sex with those few than someone who has slept with more people. You could have had a coterie of activity in your boudoir and yet manage to pull off the wide-eyed naivete to a tee. He could have slept with over two dozen women, but still manages to suck badly in bed! Do one night stands even count?

Although some of you might be curious to know what the magic number for your significant other is, sometimes it's better not to know. Why does it even matter? Is it just a way for you to classify their 'sluttiness' or categorize them in your mind as an experienced lover? Is it going to change how you feel about him, his level of expertise? Is knowing the magic number going to amplify your antics in the bedroom in any way?
Besides, it's been found out (actually the hard way!) that when you do dish about your boudoir antics, most guys tend to get jealous, annoyed and insecure. I've learned my lesson, and now, mum's the word. If you do feel pressured to tell, try using a range, something along the lines of less than 100 but more than 1 (or whatever range suits your fancy).
The only number that really matters in the boudoir is the date that you both got last tested. And the results. If you are going to talk about numbers, my suggestion---try one of these.
Have you had any experiences where either you shared too much or the guy did? If so, what happened?
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