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« October 2006 | Main | December 2006 »

Taking Charge in the Bedroom

The media and society have propelled sexual empowerment for women rapidly ahead in the last decade. I remember a time when it was taboo for a woman to seek out a man purely for a sexual encounter however now we have definitions, boundaries and tips for everything from a casual one nighter to a regular fuck buddy.

Guys have always been cast in the role of the assertive aggressor in the relationship. He's usually the one the initiates sex either by asking for it, seducing you and sometimes practically commanding you to his behest. Women on the other hand in the past have been known to be more submissive. More traditional roles even place a woman as lying stoically on the bed like marble while she completes her 'wifely duty'--(yeesh!)

Continue reading "Taking Charge in the Bedroom" »

Blonde on Blonde...Sort of

Call it fraternizing with the enemy, but I did happen to do a live segment for Fox News last night. I have done this before, and quite frankly, I love a good debate as it really gets my juices flowing. But never would I have expected that on a random Tuesday evening, I would run into the she-devil herself, Ann Coulter.

Continue reading "Blonde on Blonde...Sort of" »

He Loves You When You’re Mad

Back when I was flirting with becoming a feminist, I bought a subscription to Marie Claire magazine. I know that Marie Claire is no rival for Ms. Magazine and won’t put any other hard-core feminist publication out of business any time soon, but as an energetic college student about to take on the world, it was refreshing to read a magazine that not only gave great fashion and beauty tips, but also cared about women’s rights and sought to bring my attention to what was happening with young women around the globe.

One article I remember in particular – one of the lighter, funnier ones – asked the question, “Why do bitches get the best men?” It referenced all the usual Hollywood suspects: Madonna, Courtney Love, Sharon Stone, Shannen Doherty, and explored the connection between being a very powerful, driven woman who takes no crap from anyone and the likelihood for errant sex tape scandals, sexy affairs with married men, cat fights over soon-to-be ex-boyfriends and the like.

I never got it out of my head. You must admit there is some validity to it. Many an affair and fantasy can be attributed to the sexual power of the bitchy woman. There are women who men want to have their hot, exciting fling with: a sexy vacation to take between long-term relationships with the girls next door. Its romantic, its fast-paced, its hot-tempered. Then, its over, and they’re back with someone named Barbie or Christie or Susie. I’m analyzing my own love life. I didn’t have much for a comparative study back then, but now, I have 15 solid years of dating and relationship experience and I must confess to being in just one situation in my love life that I can define as long-term, and that doesn’t count because it took a year and a half to get to know the guy and when I got to know him I realized I didn’t like what I got to know! So my point is that most of my experience has turned out to be the temporary kind and I now believe its because I am seen as this sexy, powerful, Amazon bitch woman who’ll take control and has no feelings. In other words, nobody wants to form a lifelong relationship with a woman they’re convinced only belongs in their fantasies.

Perception is reality for most people and they’ve always perceived me a certain way. Men and women alike don’t ever assume I can be a decent person. Because of my looks and with very few exceptions, people believe that I never have a bad day, never make a mistake, never sleep, eat, catch cold or cry. In their eyes, I am insufferable and impossible to please so what’s the point of getting to know me? I’m that exotic resort men want to visit in order to rest up for their next round with Barbie, that nice girl with less ambition and more patience for their crap. And that brings me to an inevitable question.

Could I be a sex toy?

Playing Games

Andrea wrote a great post on her blog last week about playing games. From childhood, we've enjoyed playing games, especially when we win them. Even though we 'grew out' of it, playing games has still managed to influence most of our daily activities. The daily shifts and actions in our daily lives and routine have become an arena to play games, whether it be at work, at home, in relationships, on the road, in school or wherever we find ourselves.

At home, we play games by exerting infuence over who gets to control the remote, who cooks, cleans up and almost every single chore turns into a game. We calculate and scheme, planning to win this time control of the Television for the remainder of the night (thank goodness for Tivo!)

At work, there are the different power struggles with underlings, your boss and your peers. Throw in office politics, cliques, posses and water cooler gangs and there is just a whole concentric circle swimming with games.

Continue reading "Playing Games" »

The Happy Homemaker's Guide to Making Dental Dams

I used my first dental dam when I was about seven. I was in the dentist's chair getting my back molars sealed. But today, dental dams have a whole new meaning - and I am not sure if my pediatric dentist would be happy that I was talking about my "first" time.

Continue reading "The Happy Homemaker's Guide to Making Dental Dams" »

"I Hate Your Boyfriend": Do You Tell a Stranger?

I hope Logan won't mind me bookending on her post yesterday, "I Hate Your Boyfriend": Do You Tell A Friend?  I totally agree that sometimes you have to have an honest sit-down with a close friend.  If you approach it right, I think it's definitely better to get things out in the open.

But what would you say to a stranger or an acquaintance about their boyfriend?

Continue reading ""I Hate Your Boyfriend": Do You Tell a Stranger?" »

"I Hate Your Boyfriend": Do You Tell A Friend?

The holidays typically stress me out. Though this year I didn't have time to be stressed seeing that I never saw the holidays coming. Time has flown by, and now I think that I best be living each day to the fullest, and encouraging my friends to do the same too.

Continue reading ""I Hate Your Boyfriend": Do You Tell A Friend?" »

Holidays together? Holidays apart?

My boyfriend went home for Thanksgiving, and no, I didn't go with him.

I remember being a girl who would connive to manipulate things into being what I wanted.  Swing the family invite and try to push the relationship to where I wanted it to be.  For better or for worse, I'm not that girl anymore.

Continue reading "Holidays together? Holidays apart?" »

Drugs & Sex

There’s ginseng, a natural stimulant that boosts energy and (allegedly) makes you feel sexy. There’s Ecstasy, a not-so-natural stimulant that promotes affection, if not necessarily sexual activity – I had a guy once describe Ex as making your entire body feel like a giant, swollen clit. Imagine that! Then there are the big guns, Viagra and Cialis, prescription sex enhancements that give rich, old men hope and threaten us with a four-hour erection.

But what about using a drug, whether natural or synthetic, legal or illegal, to enhance sex drive or pleasure?

Some may say that a drug induced sex enhancement, whether from natural, herbal sources or not, is a cheat, and it will eventually take away from your drive, not to mention from your health and the rest of your life. And some may say its no different than using a sex toy, just one more element your can add to your sexual mix, or not.

There’s a connection (at least with me) between being in great physical shape and your body getting off from its natural feel-good drugs, namely the endorphins, and it boosting your sex drive, not to mention your body image and confidence. Is this any different than using an over-the-counter or even a street drug to achieve the same effect, if that’s your thing?

I’m not here to judge. I had an ex-coke head tell me that when he was high on the nose candy, he’d want to bang everything that walked, but he couldn’t necessarily finish the race (if you understand what I mean). This is an obvious drawback. However, he also said that he’d have the confidence to try things or to talk to prettier women while on the powder than he would otherwise. There were pros and cons.

My latest curiosity is about a drug called Enzyte. There’s a recent marketing push for it, but its been around for about five years. It’s a natural male enhancement whose draw is that its a once-a-day pill and that it promises huge erections and stamina, but its all natural (read: no four-hour side effects). Is this our future? Are there that many men out there who can’t get it up or keep it up that improving upon modern, pharmacological science is such a big business? I’m not naïve enough to believe that a large portion of the population isn’t taking these prescriptions recreationally, but all this?

There’s a pretty professional website called Penis Resources (I can’t make this stuff up!) that helps explore all this and sells all matter of topical creams, extenders, patches, pills (the herbal types) and explains in detail just how common frigidity and erectile dysfunction are and that its not a crime.

You make the call.

Kids Toys As Sex Toys: Co-Ed Naked Twister Anyone?

I’ve been thinking. I blogged earlier about how I like sex toys to look and seem like play toys, not like clinical, sterile torture tools, you know, something fun that makes you giggle, makes you orgasm, but isn’t necessarily meant to take the place of a real penis.

But what about actual play toys becoming sex toys?

Let’s explore this. Remember Nerf, those balls and projectiles that couldn’t hurt you because they’re made from that spongy, collapsible material? Well they’ve got something now called Nerf Dart Tag. Its like laser tag or paint ball only with Nerf darts that don’t sting. I say, play it naked around the house. Reenact that scene from the movie Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Work out your aggressions and make up afterward. Do the same with Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots. Yes, they still make that one! And when’s the last time you played a game of Twister? You know Twister, that silly game with the spinner and the colors and positions of your hands and feet? Not until recently did the sexual possibilities of this one occur to me. Yes, I bought one. I haven’t played it with a guy yet, but its in my arsenal now nonetheless.

Board games create unlimited sex options. Think about playing Scrabble with the rule that only sexy words and terms can be used or Trivial Pursuit with the caveat of having to remove an article of clothing every time you answer incorrectly. I’d lose every time, which means I’d actually win.

Note to parents: just keep in mind you’ll need to concoct a very creative story if the kids go looking for Twister’s spinner and find it in your bedroom.

Positive Affirmations

It's the repetition of affirmations that leads to belief. And once that belief becomes a deep conviction, things begin to happen. ~ Muhammad Ali

I'm a regular reader on Moxie's blog. She got me thinking about the power of words and how your positive affirmation can impact your life. Earlier this year, she wrote a list of affirmations and put it next to her mirror. Every morning she would read them and state them with conviction until eventually all of them came true. Every single one.

Now I don't know if those are the typical results, but I do know that the mind is a very powerful organ. You have the power of the universe at your disposal and the only thing stopping you from attaining and reaching whatever goal you set for yourself is your own doubt and fear. Yes---I am talking to myself as well.

So take the lead. Pray for favor and God's grace to show you the way he wants you to go to reach your full potential. Make your affirmations in present tense, as if you already have reached all those goals. Place specific dates of completion on them and cancel them out when you reach that goal. I'm going to work on my list right now.

Have you ever done this? If so, what were your results?

Sexy: In the Attitude or in the Jeans?

I have to say, I'm surprised we haven't covered it before...but seeing as the word "Sexy" is in the first half of this blog's name, I think it's about time to talk about what "sexy" really means.

Continue reading "Sexy: In the Attitude or in the Jeans?" »

Please don't call it "orphans" Thanksgiving

I usually spend the holidays with friends. I'm not a fan of holiday travel, and I like to spend the holidays at home. As in my home, where I live.

As a transplant to Los Angeles, I get a lot of, "Are you going home for the holidays?"  And I simply reply, I'm staying home for the holidays.  Home is where the heart is, and mine's living right here in the La La.

Continue reading "Please don't call it "orphans" Thanksgiving" »

Size 12 Is NOT Fat!

Hat tip to Suzanne Reisman and the Sarcastic Journalist, without whom I would never have known that Entertainment Tonight thinks I'm FAT at a size 12.

Geez, I feel like I should be stronger about this, but the American media has me feeling pretty bad about the way I look.

Continue reading "Size 12 Is NOT Fat!" »

Fetishistic!

Merriam-Webster defines a fetish as “an object believed to have magical powers, an object of unreasoning devotion or concern or an object whose real or fantasied presence is psychologically necessary for sexual gratification.” Dr. Drew Pinsky used to elaborate on LoveLine that fetishes were perfectly healthy and normal, and usually developed before the age of five, so most people with fetishes don’t have any solid memory of how it began.

I’ve known very few stone cold fetishists in my life, but the few I did come across certainly made an impression. John had a hard-core foot fetish. During spring and summer he’d obviously stare at our toe-painted, sandal-clad feet and volunteer to pedicure and pamper said feet. I immediately put him to work. Dave, a guy I worked with, had a thing for women in white stockings. I had this outfit back then – a white, heavy cable sweater number – that I wore with white tights and boots. I told him to get a job in a hospital where he’d have his pick of any of the white-legged and white-shoed nurses he wanted, but in the meantime, to leave me alone. And I guess its common knowledge that cross dressers aren’t necessarily confused about their sexuality, they just became fixated at a young age with women’s clothing and need to work it out through playing dress-up in mama’s pearls as grown men.

I won’t encourage anybody to get involved with a man who wants to wear your panties, but nurturing a harmless fetish can be fun. We just need to be clear about the difference between a fetish and something that compromises self-esteem. In other words, toenail painting is a harmless fetish that will please him and save you some time at the salon, but his need to have sex on a crowded subway train to check one more bullet point off his juvenile “must do before I die” list is not. His thing for stiletto pumps? Check. But tell him “nice try” to the idea of a threesome with your best friend while he films it.

Oh, and speaking of foot fetishes, check out this cool Foot Fantasy kit I found online. Then, when you run across the next foot-fixated guy, like a Girl Scout, you’ll be prepared.

The Art of Receiving

Vixen recently wrote about the pleasures in giving...oral sex, I mean. But while we talk frequently about blowjobs and our willingness (or lack thereof) to give them, we forget about the other side - what it means to receive and what's the deal with people who aren't willing to give to us?

Continue reading "The Art of Receiving" »

The Sex Toy Party! Details Here!

It was 75 degrees outside and I’d just played in two recreation football playoff games where I scored a touchdown and caught another 20-yard pass that led to a touchdown, but all I could think about was the sex toy party I was invited to later that day. Would I have fun? Was it worth the energy? What products would I see that I haven’t seen before? I was about to find out.

I drove literally through the woods and across a lake to bring you details from the sex toy party I’d been eagerly anticipating. Good thing I could put my convertible to good use, probably for the last time this year, and enjoy the ride. Mapquest sucks, so when I arrived, the ladies were already onto their second drinks and Stephanie Taylor, the doyenne of Slumber Parties By Steph, had already begun the break-the-ice exercises. She had all the guests list household chores they hated, then pass the lists to the person next to them. Then, she read aloud the answers, but matched to a different question: “I hate sex because…” The answers were then hilarious! “Because its disgusting,” and “because its too small,” drew the biggest laughs.

She gave a key for our reference: anything for anal sex she’d refer to as for the “back door,” anything for vaginal sex she’d refer to as for the “front door,” and anything for clitoral stimulation (my personal favorite), she’d refer to as for the “doorbell.” Now, isn’t that cute? Then Stephanie began the show.

The beginning was harmless enough. When we were passed the naked playing cards, someone asked, “Do these come in Pinochle cards?” We wondered aloud if it took all night to finish a game of Poker for Lovers. The chocolate soy body massage candle smelled delicious, and about the love swing the hostess pointed out that, “This is one hook your husband won’t complain about installing around the house!” We all cracked up, but this stuff was just your basic innocent fare.

Next we got to sample all the jams and jellies that promise to enhance sex in some pretty odd and amazing ways. There was nipple-warming cream (Steph says she’s working on a beer flavor), and an anal analgesic that also works on bee stings! There was a cream called Like a Virgin that can make you tighter and works for up to 24 hours! We tried something called Good Head (I can’t make this stuff up!) that actually suppresses the gag reflex for non-stop oral favors and Just Like Me, which is a 24-hour lubricant that will actually dry inside you, but activate when you’re aroused again. Wow.

Next came the toy store portion of the program. Stephanie calls them “bedroom accessories.” There was the “7th Heaven” for beginners, which was pretty basic but has 7 different types of vibrations. We saw the G-Wiz, designed by a female doctor specifically for finding the G spot. And we saw the Krystal Wabbit, the Butterfly and the Hummer, which are all pretty advanced and high-tech what with bullets, rotating beads, escalation and ticklers!

So, it was a great party and I had fun, but I must say that the highlight of this shindig was at halftime, when Stephanie asked for 2 volunteers before she showed toys, but didn’t say why. Turns out she gave two women two different q-tips dipped in arousal balm, one cool, one warm, and instructed them to “grease their doorbells.” Yowee!

So, here’s a tip: Attend a Slumber Parties by Steph Party! But don’t, DO NOT volunteer for anything at these parties if you’re not prepared to be completely turned on!

Blowjobs Are Not Icky

One of my favorite bloggettes, Vix at Overeducated Nympho wrote an excellent article that completely negates every single excuse that women have regarding giving blowjobs. She took every single one of the fourteen excuses that women have been known to issue in the past regarding blowjobs and decimated them one by one in her witty and refreshing outlook.

Here's an excerpt from her piece:

  • There is so much hair. Yes, an excellent point. But more and more guys are trimming or even completely shaving that area, so there’s a much lower frequency of pubic flossing than there was five years ago. I have found that it’s fairly easy to talk a guy into trimming if you do yourself already. And if he does it once he’ll see how huuuge his penis looks without all the hair. (The most master-minded of optical illusions.)
  • It’s so funny looking. Eh well yeah. But they’re ALL funny-lookin’ so get over it. We girls are just as funny-lookin’ down there. We have folds and ins and outs and stuff. Golly gee whiz holy moly it’s amazing any of us ever look at each other naked. Oh, right. Hormones or pheromones or some shit. And then there’s the occasional weirdo like me who likes looking at hairy ugly funny-lookin’ things that are waving at me. What?? They’re fun to play with.
  • I don’t like to see guys naked. Um, there may be a much bigger problem at work here. One is that you’re just not very sexual at all, and I fancy you don’t much like seeing yourself naked either, or you should wait a few more days until I write the post called “How to Go Down on a Woman.” Just sayin’. Either way, both matters are way bigger than my little blog.
  • Blowjobs are degrading. No they’re not. Sweetie, you’re the one who’s got him by the balls, I think it’s obvious who’s in charge here.

Ok now that I've whetted your appetite, go read the article in its entirety HERE. Right now!

What are some excuses that you've come across not mentioned here that women/men give for not liking to give oral pleasure to their partners? Do you think it's because we as humans are by nature a selfish entity?

Sleazy Men in American Culture, Part I

In addition to welcoming your nominations of such men, I have chosen to begin today's post with two of my own personal nominations (in no particular order, however, these were the two who bothered me today): Ted Haggard and Kevin Federline.

Continue reading "Sleazy Men in American Culture, Part I" »

Joining the Harem

Definition: A harem is a group of women that provide sexual favors for One man. Usually the number of females in a harem is 2 or more. This could be knowingly/unknowingly on the females part. A modern day harem includes any woman that is his mistress, the lover on the side, the booty call, the ex, the baby mama, the wifey, the friends with benefit and any other lady who sleeps with this guy.

Now culturally or religiously, if a harem is something that your heritage and tradition accepts, then bear in mind that this is not knocking you.

However, I refuse to be part of a harem. Why? Because I'm utterly selfish. See, I want my man all to myself, I want all his attention, all his affection, all his devotion, all his sexual prowess, all his everything... and I don't share period.

Sometimes, the sucky part is that you might not even know that you are part of a harem. He might be one of those guys that has a girl in every zip code, a dame in every city--one of those guys that being a consummate liar/player is second nature to him. He might be able to pull the wool over your eyes for a hot second, but eventually, you sixth sense is going to start screaming that something is awry.
 

Continue reading "Joining the Harem" »

Savoring Life's Sweet Moments

The Boyfriend got out of jury duty early today, so he came by my office and surprised me by sweeping me away for gelato.  And I'm not sure where the post is in that, except that it was so sweet, and I want to share it.

And well... Aren't these moments just the best?

Continue reading "Savoring Life's Sweet Moments" »

You, Your Partner, and Your Television

My ex-fiance couldn't go to sleep without the television on.  (Yes, I do appear to have media on the brain this week.)  But if the television's on, I can't go to sleep. In fact, I'm strongly opposed to televisions ever being in bedrooms. I have to unplug my iBook at night, because the glow from the plug disturbs my sleep.

Sometimes, I think that fact alone might have been enough reason to call it quits. I mean, seriously, there simply wasn't a solution once he started insisting he couldn't sleep without the television on. That night he let me sleep on the couch - yeah, major nail in the relationship coffin.

Continue reading "You, Your Partner, and Your Television" »

The Handsome Stranger

One thing that fascinates me about being 36 years old is that I’m still having first-time experiences.

My ex-boyfriend Dan gave me my first experience with someone utterly mentally flawed. I didn’t need the Ph.D. in psychology to understand that he was/is a repressed, anal-retentive, obsessive-compulsive, cheap, asexual momma’s boy. And when I finally realized that the situation wouldn’t ever get any better, I had absolutely no feeling about walking away. That was a first. A fling I had after that was my first experience with someone more than ten years my junior. Shortly afterward, I met a man with three children. What a completely forgettable human being he was, but his kids were delightful and precious, and needed a mother like nobody’s business. I got so attached and truly believed I could help them, which of course I couldn’t. I had a hell of a time prying myself away. Yet another scenario I hadn’t experienced: the handsome stranger.

Have you sat through this one?

Perhaps you met while on a business trip, at a dance club on vacation, over the internet. Whatever. You catch his eye. He introduces himself. There’s that “spark.” You laugh. You exchange numbers. “What harm can it do?” you ask yourself. You could always use a new friend, right? Networking takes on various forms. He leaves a message asking about your trip, then keeps asking about your days, your friends, your life. He tells you how beautiful you are and that there aren’t any women in his town like you.

He begins dropping hints about how nice it would be to have you come and visit. He sends pictures and asks for some pictures of you. The conversations turn romantic. He tells you he wanted you the second he first saw you. Details fly around about what he’d do to every inch of your body if he were there with you. You may return the favor. Your mind opens to the possibility of taking it to another level. Flirting is one thing, but maybe this could be something else. Maybe this can be something really strong; maybe it can be forever seeing that the long distance is the only obstacle. But what’s really making your heart pound? Is it that you feel something honest and authentic with this person, or is it that he’s a stranger, someone exotic to you who came out of left field?

And then you get the voice mail. “Hey. I just wanted to tell you that my friend from Atlanta is in town. She says she wants to give it another try. I need to at least see. You have been very nice to me. I’m so sorry.”

Come to the Islands...Get Knocked Up!

Want to go on vacation? Oh wait...want to go on vacation to get pregnant? If so, you are not alone. It appears that many couples are going on "Procreation Vacations" in the hopes of getting knocked up. Apparently, our lives are so stressful that we can't seem to do it at home anymore.

Continue reading "Come to the Islands...Get Knocked Up!" »

Let’s Have Sex! No, I Mean A Cuddle Party!

“I feel like a teenager, when I discovered kissing!”

This is one of the many “cuddlemonials” posted on a very interesting website I found recently, promoting a new age phenomenon that promises to help people reconnect with themselves and each other in a non-sexual way: the cuddle party.

Cuddle party?

Yes, there are people – grown-up, tax-paying human beings – who, for one reason or another, feel literally out of touch and desire physical connection and affection (the non-sexual kind) and will pay their hard-won earnings attending workshops where they all sit around and cuddle others who yearn for the same connection.

Okay. Whatever.

On cuddleparty.com, I learned that Ivy-League-educated REiD Mihalko (yes, that’s actually how his first name is spelled. Remember SanDeE* from L.A. Story?) and Marcia Baczynski, the innovators of the Cuddle Party workshops, have been throwing these huggy shindigs for more than two years now. They say its a safe place to hug and connect, but not an orgy. Imagine scads of educated, professional people, who’ve paid to lay around a conference room near you, spooning and nuzzling with total strangers in total confidence. There’s so much inherent weirdness in this concept I don’t know where to begin. But let’s think about the dress code: pajamas and night gowns. Next, the nickname for a cuddle party enthusiast: a Cuddle Monster.

Laughing yet?

Of course they need to post the disclaimer that although their parties have therapeutic value, they themselves are not therapists and cannot market or represent themselves as therapists in any way. And there is a code of Cuddle Party ethics. There is never, ever, under any circumstances, any sex allowed. There is a list of rules and codes and rule number 7 says NO DRY HUMPING! But do you think some of these workshoppers aren’t exchanging numbers afterward for a little of the real thing after the hug fest is over?

Isn’t this what people drop Ex for?

Feeling safe, nurtured, communicative and connected is great, and I agree that there should be more of it in the world, but does it need to be done with a bunch of strangers?

Some folks are excited about this, as the “cuddlemonials: suggest, so who am I to criticize? Whatever floats your boat, you know?

Cuddle on!

Sex With a Virgin

I had a post on my blog a couple of weeks ago in which I asked readers to send me their funniest sex stories. There were a few responses, however a couple of the stories stuck out to me that I just had to share with you all.

Here is an interesting yet hilarious excerpt from one of my favorite bloggers, The Mistress.

"I was still in college and was out on the town drinking with my girlfriends when this sexy man sits down next to me at the bar and struck up a conversation with me. He was so cute, it was ridiculous! We talked for two hours straight that night. To this day, it still stands out as one of the best conversations I've ever had with a guy. We exchanged phone numbers and the next day he called me to chat further. Well, we started talking about our past relationships, and then the subject of sex came up. Well imagine my utter shock when at 22 years old, this guy...this hot guy...revealed to me that he was a virgin. Can you believe that? I was stunned! I even made him verify what his definition of a virgin was (cause it varies with different people) and he said he has never even touched a vagina in his life! Nor had he gotten a hand job, blow job...no jobs of any kind! He claimed to be "saving himself for the right girl". Of course, being the little sexpot I am, I didn't even know what to say to that. I didn't know how to react to this dude at all. I just knew that I wasn't going to be the one taking his friggin' virginity! I can't even imagine sleeping with a virgin. I hate even the thought of it! I mean, I'd have to show him where the hole is, what to do, and then it would be over in 3 strokes! Do you know how much times it takes for a man to learn and acquire sexual stamina?  I have no interest in teaching a grown man how to have sex. He has to be armed with that knowledge before he gets his hands on me. I like men who are experienced and can show me some "sex tricks" ya know? I wouldn't even entertain the thought of sex with a virgin."

Sex with a guy virgin? That is something that I'll have to draw the line on. I would probably turn him down---mainly because I don't want him to get too attached! It was cool when we were younger and all mostly virgins, but now in our 20s/30s, breaking in a male virgin is not my cup of tea.

In this day and age, do you think it's a double standard to expect a guy to come into the boudoir armed with sufficient knowledge? Have you ever had sex with a guy virgin? Was it better than you expected?

Controlled Giving

Definition: This is the gift given to you by someone that is spurred predominantly by feelings and thoughts of gaining or maintaining control in your life.

Now classic giving doesn't fall under this domain. A controlled gift is one that comes with strings attached. It's not coming from that nice, fuzzy place where you just want to give your partner a present just because, or even for their birthday or anniversary.

A controlled gift is one that stems from you wanting to have a string or connection to the receiver. You want something in return, or are giving mainly so that you can hold it back over the receivers head. "Look at all I have done for you, I have bought you yadayadayada." He/she will always be indebted to you (in your mind), because of what you have done for them. It might even be a standard scenario of bribing you buying your affection.

For example, a friend of mine was recently offered a free gym membership from one of his Exes. You might say that this could just be a gift of a friend to another, but bear in mind that she went out of her way to gift him with this. She signed him up, on her gym account and he doesn't have to pay a single dime. Controlled gift? Yes.

Most people aren't gracious receivers and feel that any present given to them must be repaid in one shape or another. That is not true. Gifts are that...simply gifts. They should not be turned into chains to leash you to any action besides a heartfelt thank you. Just because a guy buys you a nice bracelet doesn't mean that you should throw caution to the wind and let him treat you like crap. Just because he paid for dinner doesn't mean that you should serve yourself up as dessert, (unless you want to).

Alot of people give because it makes THEM feel good to give to you. They just like the look of absolute pleasure on your face when they present you with something they know you will like. It has nothing to do with how they want to be viewed by you or what they want you to do for them. Although not fully altruistic--it is a human, and more realistic motive.

It's all about the intent. If the gift is coming from a genuine desire to please you and make you happy, then hey, I'm all about receiving graciously. However, if it's a gift disguised as an expensive way for them to keep you in their corner, have you at their beck and call or throw back in your face at some distant future I'm going to have to say "Thanks but no thanks," to your subtle form of control.

What are some controlled gifts/givers you've encountered? How did you deal with this?

Sharing Your Netflix

Yes, I let The Boyfriend start a queue on my Netflix.  Which is a cool feature.  He has a queue; I have a queue.  Great, right?

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How Big is Too Big?

Today on the Today Show, we talked about May-December relationships, or as I like to call them "March-September" romances, as people are living longer, healthier lives. But how large of an age gap is too large? Is there such a thing as age incompatibility?

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Sex Camels

I don’t know if you guys remember this, but in the months preceding Angelina Jolie’s first lip lock with her Mr. Smith co-star, she was causing a stir over the fact that her life was a wee bit sexless. Jaws dropped as the news spread. How could this gorgeous babe voluntarily go without? How could any woman who exudes that much sex seemingly shun it? How could anyone who could have it all, at any time, with practically anyone, sex included, voluntarily turn into… a sex camel?!

For those few months Jolie was busy making “more of a saint than sinner” headlines, a number of my female friends and students were breathing a sigh of relief. Finally, they were not alone – and, not only that, Angelina had just made their long-term, voluntary bout with secondary abstinence hip and empowering! Suddenly, there was nothing wrong or taboo with deciding not to get a little sumpin’ sumpin’ and, instead, hold out for something more, and with someone special at that. Sex camels loved the fact that Jolie had just become the posterchild of women empowered enough to choose to refuse.

Now, few would fault Angie, or any gal for that matter, for trading in her abstinent ways for some action with heartthrob Brad Pitt. But given no star has stood at attention for a lack of such in her love life, since Jolie’s rendezvous with abstinence, a lot of women have, once again, been left wondering if they’re the only ones not seeing some action.

It seems that increasingly, at least in my social circle, more and more young, attractive, intelligent women (who aren’t virgins) are holding out on sex for extended periods of time. These sex camels have a number of reasons for this secondary abstinence, ranging from being picky about their partners to looking for love to being fed up with players to just wanting to focus on themselves...  With headlines always sensationalizing those having more sex or better sex, rarely does the media mention and reaffirm those who aren’t having sex, unless it involves a virginity pledge. Even the recently released National College Health Assessment Survey for 2005 gave us very little insight on who’s having sex and how much, simply confirming that college students aren’t as promiscuous as thought. (FYI, men and women both reported having had an average of 1-2 sexual partners in the last year.)

So given we no longer have Jolie under an affairs of the abstinent microscope, inquiring minds want to know: who is this sex camel woman? How does she cope with her sexless stint? What makes her so attractive to men and women alike? What or who will it take to break her sexless streak? And when she finally does, is she better about making sure it’s with protection? Is she likelier to use forms of protection that are meant to empower her, like the sponge, female condom, or line of Elexa condoms by Trojan?

These are questions to ponder as one of the most important dates of the calendar approaches. World AIDS Day is practically the only day of the year that makes it super cool to use a condom or other form of protection if you’re sexually active. It’s also a day that supports sex camels worldwide – because there are lots of them! I promise you.

National College Health Assessment 2005 Survey results:

http://www.acha.org/projects_programs/SEXF05.cfm

http://www.worldaidsday.org/default.asp

You and Your Partner: Birds of a Feather? Or a Horse of a Different Color?

Once, when I was a teenager, I overheard two married women talking near me. The gist of their conversation was that men and women have different interests and your man should do his thing and you should do yours. I tossed my schrunched up hair, straightened my gummy bracelets, and agreed with the friend I was with - we were never going to live like that.

Continue reading "You and Your Partner: Birds of a Feather? Or a Horse of a Different Color?" »

Food As Sex Toy: Is Anybody Hungry?

I’m exploring two distinct concepts with food and sex: one, that eating more healthfully can potentially improve your sex life and two, that feeding each other stimulating foods before or during sex, healthy or not, can help to sexually stimulate in ways only a sex toy could.

The first idea caught my attention while I was reading something recently about spa getaways. There are upscale spa vacations for every whim. Spas dedicated to yoga and Pilates, spas catered to massage and relaxation, spas for couples, spas for singles, and there are even spas for healthy eating. The Optimum Health Institute’s healthy eating spa getaway is one of the more popular destinations and of the boasted benefits to this mini-vacation besides the obvious “better health, more energy” claims, the claim that its supposed to rev up the sex drive as well was most intriguing to me.

Did you know that when you eat certain foods on a regular enough basis, that the “juices” get flowing to certain areas of the body a little more frequently and intensely? Well, its true. And I’m not just talking about all that wheatgrass and soy junk that vegans eat either. I’m talking about dairy products, lean meats and desserts sprinkled liberally with cinnamon. Y’know, food that tastes good!

Which brings me to my next idea. Did you know that a study revealed that the scent that gets men going sexually, more than any other scent, is cinnamon? Its true. Try this: buy some higher-end cinnamon-scented candles and have them already burning when your man walks through the door. The combination of the smell and the warm and sexy atmosphere, I guarantee you, will drive him bananas!

Ooh, bananas! Try blindfolding him and drizzling honey on a banana. Then dip it in crushed toasted almonds and feed it to him. It’ll work, trust me. Play around with different textures (smooth or crunchy) and all the different tastes: sour, bitter (melted dark chocolate is wonderful), sweet and salty. Make sure to feed him certain body parts in between the eats.

9 1/2 weeks notwithstanding, this is one of the more sensual and intimate acts you’ll ever share with someone you want to connect more with. But make sure you really do want to connect because some very powerful and intense things will happen. You’ll be so in tune with all five of your senses (four for him with the blindfold), paying special attention to your breathing, taking your time and savoring things, the orgasm will be so amazing by the time you finally get there. Try it. Then write me and tell me how it goes.

Sixty Nine

When I was in college, somehow I got the nickname 34.5. Considering that back then, my virginal self didn't even know what the hell 69 was, I kept wondering why everyone would snicker when they said the name. My experience with the 69 has been that either I'm too flustered by what he's doing to me to continue giving him a BJ or I'm enjoying giving him head too much to even give myself up to an orgasm. Either way, I feel distracted and not totally in the moment. Perhaps one day I will develop some better multi-tasking skills. Laura offers up some interesting thoughts for the weekend.

"I definitely won’t deny that sex is an indispensable part of all happy relations. In order to make these relations even better, even stronger and even more sensual we first of all try to diversify our sexual side of life.

This is what my beloved offered me last night: to try something new, something that will enrich our mutual sensations and consequently our everyday life. He suggested that we try 69-position… Frankly speaking I was a bit embarrassed, since the experience was absolutely new for me. Nevertheless, I resolved to try it and can’t wait to share my emotions and observations with you!

That was something: I cast aside my shyness to enjoy sensations of mutual and simultaneous giving and receiving process! Hot breathing and tender tongue of my sweetheart made me kiss his flesh even more intensively. It was a kind of merging: we became a single whole – alive burning organism. And gradually this sensual organism burst with passion and love and exhausted we fell down able to whisper the only words: “I love you, babe”…

Thus 69-position gave me absolutely new feelings and I know that we will try it again and again to discover new sensations and become closer to each other. Yet, I’m sure that in order to receive full rainbow of sensations granted by this awesome position certain conditions should be taken into account:

Trust: First and foremost partners should perfectly know each other to avoid possible misunderstanding and awkwardness.
Comfort: Make yourself comfortable to keep your knees and arms from numbness. Otherwise the whole pleasure will turn into pure torture.
Imagination: Don’t restrain yourself! Remember: the more you give, the more you receive and vice versa.
And the last but not the least, real feeling, i.e. LOVE makes any position most pleasant, sensual and versatile."

Your thoughts?

Erotic Messages

Being a lover of the written word, I have found erotic messages a wonderful & creative activity that adds more zing to one’s love life. It doesn’t have to be anything grandiose like some Shakespeare sonnet, just a few words expressing how your lover makes you feel, that you are thinking about him and that you want him. Guys are highly imaginative and can read between the lines and create a visual of even the most innocent sentences strung together. A quick text message at work, like “I can’t wait to see you tonight” is enough to have him fantasizing all day about seeing you as well.

Of course, it’s always great to add a little spice by telling him all kinds of naughty things, what you are wearing (and sometimes NOT even wearing). Imagine sitting in a stuffy office getting hassled by your boss and your phone buzzes. Upon checking it, it’s a nice little message from your love telling you that she/he misses you and can’t wait to see you again. It’s amazing how just a sentence like that can revert the whole aura of one’s day. For those of you more into writing, feel free to express yourself in poetry, an erotic story, description of a dream/fantasy you had or even a love letter.

You can never go wrong with a cheesy Hallmark card (think something from the Personal Expressions line). For more ideas, do a web search or try LovingYou.com. It’s one of my  favorite romantic sites. There are so many ways to say I love you that you should always seek the opportunity to do so. Because at the end of the day, that’s really all that matters.

Your thoughts?

What Makes You Feel Good?

With a title like that, god knows what I am asking, right? Well, I have been giving some thought to what makes me feel proud...perhaps it is the upcoming election, perhaps it is just a general end-of-year intake of my accomplishments and/or good deeds. Whatever it is, I feel compelled to talk about it.

Continue reading "What Makes You Feel Good?" »

Sex Toy of the Month! The Vibrating Inchworm!

If you google “The History of the Vibrator,” an interesting story from Slate.com will pop up retelling the story from summer 2005 in South Carolina, where a suspicious package needed to be investigated, but turned out to be a vibrator. It was hilarious, especially since mail order is the only method of supplying sexy toys to many southern states, including our brilliant new Elexa vibrating rings. Then, the piece goes on to give a pictorial history of the vibrator, starting in the late 1880’s with “vulvular massage” techniques used to soothe the nerves of more “difficult” female psychiatry patients and alleviate the amount of time it took to bring a woman to climax by hand.

The tour makes stops in the early 20th century, through the 50s, where vibrators were sold in the Sears Roebuck catalog and looked curiously like vacuum cleaners. Hmmmm. But now, we’re having fun with our sex goodies and they no longer require clinical, mechanical names or need to look like medieval torture contraptions. Now, they’re sleek, pliable and waterproof and come with names like Rabbit, Rubba Ducky, Dolphin and my new cheeky favorite: the Inchworm.

I don’t own one of these (yet), but the concept is as cute as a button: its a six-inch or so green silicone toy, that is so soft, stretchy and expansive, it can and will lengthen and smooth out once it gets where its going, all the while gently pulsating and teasing until its victim can no longer stand it. Wow. But the thing I like the most about it is how harmless and non-sinister it looks and feels. It really does seem like a child’s bath toy.

No comment on how moms with young children would respond if their kids get a hold of it.

Good vibrations!

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Recent Comments

I agree with you, in part. I am emotionally unavailable, but not by choice. The men certainly come flocking in - the red flag, emotionally unavailable, avoid-at-all costs type, that is.

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Posted by: EU not by choice | Jun 26, 2008 10:32:19 AM

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