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Morning Sex vs. Night Sex

From the time I bounced out of bed at 4:30am to sneak a look at my Christmas stocking, or was up in front of the TV by 8am, I have been a morning person.  I work better in the morning.  I think better in the morning, and I definitely... well, you know what I'm blogging about here.

My love of early morning goodies hasn't waned with age, either.

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Femme or Butch: Which Do You Prefer?

I tend to not like watching men do feminine things. I’m researching a story on strip clubs in my area and I know that eventually, I’ll need to explore male exotic dancing. I don’t want to. Men stripping is about as much of a turn-on to me as getting my teeth cleaned. And its not because I think sexual objectification is woman’s work. Its because I like to objectify men doing masculine things, like playing football, not taking their t-bars off while dancing to Olivia Newton-John songs. That makes me laugh, not swoon.

The same goes for women. I do get turned on by watching women gyrate to the floor from the top of the pole and by how they smell while I’m getting a lap dance. But I do not, under any circumstances, want to watch women mud wrestle, box or get drunk and fight another woman over some man who ain’t even worth the beer they’re throwing at each other. It isn’t ladylike and what’s more, its impractical.

For example, as much as I love Laila Ali, I never realized how attractive and appealing she was until she made a guest appearance on the TV show “Girlfriends” a few seasons ago as Toni’s new and demanding real estate client. She’s incredibly beautiful. Perhaps she just loves boxing and following in her famous dad’s footsteps (Muhammad Ali had six daughters, no sons), which I cannot begrudge her, but sexy? Nope. Never saw it. And with as much of an athlete as I am, and as good at certain sports as I was, I’ll never argue that I ever looked sexy while playing.

There’s something about high heels and lip gloss and satin panties. That’s sexy. Not weak, and not necessarily submissive, but feminine.

And there’s something to be said about broad shoulders and facial hair and a warm, deep voice. I love seeing the kind of swagger in a man that can only come from high doses of testosterone.

I happen to like them over six feet tall and more than 200 pounds, so that if I’m wearing my highest heels and tip over, he’s still a little taller than me and can catch me before I hit the ground. I’m a strong woman and I like a big, strong man. Call it modern Darwinism, but can anybody argue?

An Oasis on the Horizon, Or A Mirage?

Ever been through a drought? I don’t mean a few weeks where you’re both super busy and exhausted and having sex is just for the physical release and to put you to sleep. I mean a DROUGHT…a serious, months-long anti-sex pattern that only you, not your adoring, attentive partner, are going through. Well, its happening to me.

It began during late summer. The combination of money worry and intense heat. Then I got a new client, but developed my patented “Six-Month Commitment Phobic Wandering Eye” disease. Its worse than glaucoma. Then, on Thanksgiving night, during a rain storm and driving home from my mother’s house, I was in a horrific car accident that totaled my car and sent the tension/worry meter scurrying back up to 1000. Its only now, after several months of this, that I’m beginning to see a light at the end of the tunnel.

My boyfriend has been so great through all of this. He’ll lie next to me, rub my back, and tell me that everything’s going to be okay. Even if its a lie, its still comforting to hear. He’s been schlepping me around and giving me his expert advice on buying and selling cars, he’s a great and loyal friend. But what if I don’t get the sex thing back?

I’ve always prided myself on being a potent sexual being. The fact that I’m a woman has never stopped me from putting my sexuality right out there, aggressively, for anyone I was attracted to (and some I wasn’t) to see. It’s a healthy part of who I am and damn it, I’ll use it! Plus, I’m supposed to be at my sexual peak. What’s going on?

I’ve had some intense urges to have sex during the past few weeks. I’ve had those daydreams that start as mere passing thoughts, become languid and relaxing fantasies, then turn into hard driving, imaginative, spine-tingling masturbation sessions. Too bad nobody’s around while they’re happening as my Waterpik shower sprayer is getting a serious workout.

Its obvious that my head needs to be totally clear for more than a few hours and that a man needs to be present, but damn! Have I officially become an old maid?

You and Your Partner, Grumpy Together

The Boyfriend and I were stressed out.  At the same time.  Grump.  Grump.  Grump.

Relationships are supposed to see-saw, aren't they? You take turns cheering each other up through the stressful times? Ah, well, only when you're lucky.

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Holiday Vacation and the Yearly Need for Grooming

There is quite a debate out there about Brazilian bikini waxing...just ask Suzanne Reisman, whose blog, CUSS and other rants, is devoted to the subject. I for one, am all for waxing (at least for adult women deciding to take it off)...and when it's time for vacation, especially those where bathing suits are an evil necessity, waxing becomes essential.

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Right before Christmas, almost everyone leaves.

Christmas in Los Angeles.  Almost everyone leaves.  Suddenly, the roads and the stores aren't as crowded, and the city gets quieter.  Sitting alone in front of my Christmas tree, it feels like a blessing.

Continue reading "Right before Christmas, almost everyone leaves." »

An AuPair for Christmas! The Perfect Gift?

Here’s a true story and yet another reason why the thought of marriage, of lifelong commitment to just one person, terrifies me:

I worked with a woman many years ago that had the awful habit of bringing her personal business to work and unloading it on all the rest of us because she had nobody else to talk to about her issues. I’ll call her M.J.

M.J. was in her late thirties at the time and was pregnant with the second of two sons. She and her husband got married in the early seventies, joined the Peace Corps and did the whole hippie, non-capitalist thing for a while before settling down and getting “regular” jobs. He was a state social worker and she was a high school English teacher. She quit teaching while she was still relatively young, and took the corporate job we knew her from that tripled her income now making her three times as wealthy as her husband. According to her daily reports, this, plus the fact that she never took his surname sent him into quite a state on top of his early midlife crisis. But M.J. was pregnant again and looking for advice on what she should do because once the new baby came, she’d be exhausted with nursing plus all the responsibilities of coming back to work. We already knew from her daily rants that her husband never helped with the first baby, never changed a diaper, and never got up for a feeding. And in addition to this, he “made her” have sex with him, every single night, whether she felt like it or not, because, as she put it, “He’s Italian and Italian men are very needy in that way.”

Yes, you read that right.

Now here’s the interesting part. M.J. seriously considered, out loud, hiring an overseas au pair to move into her home and help her care for her new son AND her demanding husband. In other words, her gift to him and to her newborn baby would be a Swedish nanny that would take up the slack around the house and, eventually, in the bedroom. This life, that was her choice, became just work for her, and her newfound corporate status could afford her this sick and ridiculous solution.

Her actual solution? I heard later that she did eventually leave the Italian stallion, but got remarried to someone else that same year. Some women never learn.

Hey Baby…What’s Your Sign?

Using astrology to size up potential partners is nothing new. During the 70s, “what’s your sign?” came right after “what’s your name?” Something about free love and the dominant hippie spirituality of our 70s culture made knowing whether someone was particularly star-sign compatible especially relevant, even if your relationship landed just through the next outdoor concert.

I got into astrology early in college. Something about having my chart done and discovering that after all the years of believing I was a chaste, exacting Virgo, I was actually, to my excitement and approval, a fiery, sexual Leo. (It has to do with knowing my birth time, not just my day and year, and that in 1970, when I was born, the sun decided to hang around in Leo until about 10:05 a.m. Lucky me!) And I was fascinated by this. I then understood why my horoscope never made any sense and why people I knew, who were the same sign, would be totally different from each other, even if they had the same birthday. Its about a complex combination of planetary positions that, if in agreement, would produce a really well-balanced person, and if not, well…would produce Adolf Hitler (He was a Taurus with many planets in Aries, which most experts say is a very dangerous combination). Anyway, I loved it. And I began a quest that isn’t that serious (I am NOT one of those weird, Miss Cleo ladies who’ll read your tea leaves), but it sure is interesting and a whole lot of fun. I got so good that at one point, I could watch someone for a few minutes and tell the sign they were born under, and with uncanny accuracy. I also can tell which guys are best in bed.

Sexual astrology is very, very interesting. Get the book Sextrology, by Starsky & Cox. If you get into this, you can actually pinpoint exactly how good a guy will be in bed and whether he’s likely the stick around afterward. I can dispel all the rumors and stereotypes (Scorpio is NOT the best in bed!) and gloat because I love to be right. I recently got into studying Venus and Mars signs: Venus is the planet that rules love and relationships and Mars determines a person’s sexual style and their tendency toward aggression. Having these planets in compatible signs can make your love and sex life incredible (He’s Just Not in the Stars, by Jenni Kosarin, is a new and hilarious new book modeled after Greg Behrendt’s best-selling “He’s Just Not That Into You” and will explain the Venus-sign phenomenon).

Some examples:

For high style and a damned good time in bed, get yourself a Libra. He’ll take you to the best places and shower you with affection. If he also has Venus in Libra, he may also be faithful to you for five minutes. Lucky you!

If its high adventure you’re after, go to the nearest race track and look for a Sagittarius. You’ll be one notch on a very long list, but if you get one with Venus in Capricorn, at least you’ll get a baby and a nice house out of the deal.

Aries is the all-time sexual champion of the entire astrological universe and I know this from personal experience: they love me! Yay me! But the trick to landing one is to act like you hate them and to never return their calls. You can also get one whose loyal too if you check for mommy issues and a Venus in Taurus position.

Don’t ever go near a Virgo.

And only date a Scorpio if you’ve given up on life and on making your own decisions. You’ll spend the rest of your days chained to the stove.

Can You Seductively Kill Spontaneity

A man once asked me, "How do you stop the train when it's moving?" I didn't get it. Was he giving me an SAT question hoping that I would be some Rubik's Cube champion with great success in answering impossible questions? Was this a sex question? Ah, yes, it was. This man wanted to know how to stop "the train" of sexual spontaneity in order to whip out the condoms.

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Favorite Sex & Relationships Blogs

I thought I'd start the week this week with a short list of a few of my favorite sex & relationships blogs.  I'm going to make it a short list with a few favorites, because I find that a long list just begs to be ignored, while a short list says, Hey!  Look!  Cool blogs!  On a short list!  So without further ado...

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Short-Term Male Birth Control - UK Scientists Invent a Whole New Pill

From Daily Mail:

UK scientists invent male 'pill' that can be taken hours before sex

British scientists have developed a revolutionary pill that men could take as a one-off contraceptive just before a date.

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Isn’t The Engagement Supposed To Be Foreplay?

I came across something the other day that made me chuckle. It was two custom made pencils with the names “Randal & Zahara” engraved on them. They’re table favors from the Summer 2004 wedding of my ex-boyfriend’s brother and now sister-in-law. I heard recently through the hair salon gossip mill that their marriage is already in trouble. Hmmmmm.

Logan Levkoff blogged back on the October 11th about women who attend “how to get married” seminars, because they believe (or have been fooled) that a wedding is the end-all-be-all in a relationship and they don’t want to “give their milk away for free.” Well, I’m here to report that this aforementioned couple, one I know personally, a couple not unlike many modern American couples, have a relationship that may be falling apart because from what I’ve observed, their fairy-tale wedding and soon-to-be defunct marriage was nothing but a desperate grab for attention and glamour in the first place.

Let me explain.

He is The Golden Boy. He’s got five college degrees, including a Rhode’s Scholarship and an MIT MBA. He owns his own technology consulting company and won one of the season’s of NBCs The Apprentice. He’s intelligent, tall, well-spoken, attractive and powerful. He’s the perfect mark for someone looking for the perfect meal ticket.

She is a throwback to the perfect 1950’s housewife: educated, yet devoid of ambition, feminine, passive and just calculating enough to land the perfect husband without letting on that she’d probably end up being nothing but the slowly closing noose around her unsuspecting partner’s neck. Poor guy.

So their wedding weekend was surely highly entertaining! Amid the nail stylists and the doves and the candle lighting crap and the pretentious broom-jumping episode, I mused between yawns that although she had an engineering degree, I knew she had no interest in actually applying it. I knew they’d spent upwards of $70K on this over-the-top shindig. I also noted that she seemed to get an electric, even sexual charge from all this nonsense.

Shortly after he won the silly television game show, which by the way, she bragged about incessantly, I began hearing the rumors. But my most reliable source confirmed it all: they were in serious trouble. And, he was flirting with one of the female Apprentice cast members! Why? My guess is that the TV chick had more to talk to him about than his sweet, feminine new wife. She could probably go toe-to-toe with him intellectually too. She could keep his attention. Poor wifey.

Isn’t it possible that she most likely viewed this courtship/engagement through the same lens I view vibrators, massage oils and erotic fiction? She chirped “I’m getting married!” in much the same context as I shriek “I’m getting laid!”

Isn’t the engagement supposed to be the foreplay of the relationship, with marriage as the main course? Why worry about playing coquettish games and withholding sex and playing down your ambition when, once married, they’ll be nothing holding him there?

Sex Songs - What's Your Fave?

I am the kind of girl who can really get into her music...I mean, really get into her music.

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Orgasmless Sex

Until recently, I had never heard of Orgasmless Sex. My friend coined the phrase when she was describing to me an encounter that she had with a certain gentleman. "It was the best orgasmless sex I have ever had!" she exclaimed.

Orgasmless sex? What in the world? Is it truly possible that in this day and age that there are women that have sex on a consistent basis and don't manage to orgasm? If so, what is the drive for having sex in the first place? I asked her all these questions, and my friend was kind enough to reply.
Orgasmless sex is pretty much what we think it is; having a sexual encounter without reaching the big O. She told me that she is not one of those women who can orgasm pretty easily, it takes a while for her. She has to feel comfortable in the relationship and many other factors applies. As well as it being the right guy, her head has to be in the game, and he has to be used to her body. This has never been achieved with one night stands or friends with benefits. But she still wants to have sex...and enjoy it.
So she is used to having orgasmless sex. She says that when achieving an orgasm is not all that you are focused on, you can really enjoy the moment, every nuance, every subtle touch, and just really enjoy the whole experience. She gets to savour his body while he does the same with hers. It also takes less pressure off the guy to perform or to make you come, and so he enjoys the experience far better too. She tends to focus more on pleasing the guy, and just the service in turn pleases her.

Looking back, I realise that I have had orgasmless sex a few times. But it's never been a regular habit of mine, and probably never will be. I love the breathless anticipation and the dizzy exultation that accompanies the Big O, and I know that I could never give that up. If I found a guy that couldn't make me orgasm (even with sufficient teaching), well then he has simply had to go.

Orgasmless sex can be good, but I'll still settle for having a Big O, any day of the week and twice on Sundays.

The Pitfalls of Eye Candy

Everyone is used to a certain level of eye candy. We are bombarded daily with images via the media, television, magazines and advertising of 'beautiful people'. We each have our own coterie of handsome/beautiful men and women in which we would drop everything for at a moment's notice.

With George Clooney the 'People's Sexiest Man of the Year' and everyone having idols from Beyonce to Angelina Jolie, how do you dissociate yourself from that when you are in a relationship?

Should you even want to?

Men are visual creatures, but then, so are women. In fact, it is human nature to look at what is termed 'beautiful'. We love to admire. We are all voyeuristic to a certain extent. Is it okay to admire celebrities from a distance while in a relationship, or is this some mild form of cheating?

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Tag, You’re It!

Learn to be elusive. You’ll have better sex! I promise!

Well, I can’t actually promise it, but I am absolutely in LOVE with the idea of using my own personal mystery to lure a man in, seduce him, and have my way with him only to have him following me around like a lovesick puppy while I lose nothing but a few extra hours. Yes, I know, its my sexy, sadistic side.

Problem is, I suck at it…

The need to be the queen of quicksilver is trumped a million times over by my enjoyment of the chase: that is, me chasing him! I love a good challenge. Its gotten me where I am in business, its why I’m the best on the basketball court and its created some very interesting dating and sex experiences: some good, some bad, but always interesting and always putting me in a great position to learn and apply the lesson to the next situation.

Its just that those challenges never change. Its always a new face, but the same scenario. And now I’m beginning to think that the problem isn’t finding a man who is the ultimate challenge, but that it is I who am the biggest challenge. It began innocently enough. When I was young, I was always the friend girl, the sidekick, the first picked by the boys for dodge ball. And I hated it. When the other girls got breasts, I stayed flat and remained “the friend.” I wanted so badly to be the one they lusted for, cat called, whistled at, but it wasn’t happening. I didn’t get any serious male attention until I was in my early 20s and I was so beside myself with glee that I felt I couldn’t turn down any invitations, ignore any calls or be the one who ended things. That got real old, real fast. I put some notches on my belt pretty quickly, but also endured a bunch of crap I would never take today. Thing is, I won’t start taking guy’s crap anytime soon, but I didn’t reinforce the other end, meaning that I still won’t turn down many invitations, ignore many calls or be the one who ends things. I still believe if I don’t answer that phone, he’ll forget about me and take up with some other, bustier girl and I’ll be relegated to sidekick status again. But if I could just master it, I know he’d stay around longer and I’d have better sex.

So, I’m not a “Rules” girl. I know some of those women who waited six months or until they were wearing the engagement ring to have sex…and they’re DIVORCED now! So who says they’re right? I have no hard and fast rules, no pun intended. I cannot stand even abiding the three-date rule. How about a three-hour rule? That’s more like it! I’m a hunter, a wild animal who chases it down, devours it, but maybe stays a bit too long to bask in the afterglow. There’s just got to be some balance.

I’ve been a proponent of Greg Behrendt’s “He’s Just Not That Into You” mantra since before the book was published and save for a few isolated incidents, I can move on without too many tears. But what about my challenge? Can I be the aggressor and be elusive at the same time?

Do You Like to Watch? Do You Care if He Does?

Today I was asked if I was okay with my partner going to strip clubs. I thought about it for a split second and said, "Hell, yeah."

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I thought you had the condoms!

Well, it finally happened.  Despite my major condom stash at home and the fact that I usually have my little pouch o' condoms in my purse - and despite The Boyfriend's drawer being regularly restocked - the horrible moment came.

The moment you realize that you don't have a condom.

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Loyalty: You and Your Partner, In It Together.

When I was in graduate film school, I was verbally abused by a fellow classmate.

We were sleep deprived; we were all under a tremendous amount of stress. I did stupid things; other people did stupid things. I've forgiven most of it, others haven't, but this was different. This was a verbal attack like nothing I ever experienced before or after. And when I told my boyfriend at the time, I could tell he didn't believe me. And didn't want to believe me.

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Real Lesbians Show Yourselves!

No woman is ashamed anymore of admitting to her college dorm fling with the girl down the hall. It seems everyone’s “try-sexual” and threesomes, swapping, sex on ex and girl on girl are as ordinary now as the missionary position was for our parents. There’s no harm in that, I’ve partaken myself, but where does that leave the gay girls? Real lesbians need a venue to find their true loves too and the current atmosphere of “everybody kiss no matter who the bottle points to” can’t possibly make it easier for our lesbian sisters.

I’ll elaborate.

Ever wake up in the middle of the night, toss and turn a little, then realize the inevitable, find the remote and start clicking? Its pretty scary. Not the waking up part, but what passes for late night television these days. How much film needs to be wasted on any more episodes of Girls Gone Wild for us to realize that something is terribly wrong and there’s a trend toward women, incredibly young and impressionable women, turning themselves into playthings and sex toys just because they’ve had a little (or a lot) to drink and there’s a camera rolling. What’s more, girl on girl action seems obligatory and as these tramps are all in college, where do actual young lesbians go to meet the women with whom they may possibly find something in common?

On a recent posting for Dan Savage’s Savage Love column, a young college student lamented that she was having trouble finding someone who fit the bill as truly lesbian or bisexual. He agreed with her that most of these experimenters do give true, “out” lesbians and bisexual women a very bad name, because they’re mostly “drunk, straight chicks.”

How do we experiment and have some sexy fun without making fools of ourselves and disgracing an entire group of people?

Erotica and Other Mental Turn Ons

I remember the first time that I read any type of erotica. When I was in college, I found myself reading forums devoted to fictional celebrity sex-capades, you know, things like the pornographic version of Beverly Hills 90210.

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Emotionally Unavailable

“You should bottle this emotional unavailability's better than perfume for its effectiveness.” Such was my friend’s reaction to the flood of attention I’ve been getting from men – all because for the last couple of months, I have been completely, utterly, totally emotionally unavailable (EU). The results of this emotional “scent” have been rather baffling to my friends. After all, isn’t it men who are usually emotionally unavailable? Aren’t we supposed to be giving them signals that we are interested instead of giving off an essence that we’re not?

From what we’re taught, men are supposed to be the woo’ers, while women are supposed to be coy, quiet, and apprehensive. And as nature has made us, we tend to be sexually selective and play hard to get, while men fight each other for the reproductive opportunities we offer them. Women are supposed to be choosy and men are supposed to win them over with their worth and charm when they’re not busy being aloof. Well, at least that’s what many biological and evolutionary theorists argue.

But when it comes to being EU, we’re not talking about being selective or playing hard to get. (And if that’s your game, know that playing hard to get DOES NOT work. Men have equally strong opinions of hard-to-get as they do of easy-to-get women. Your best strategy is to play selectively hard-to-get if you really want a guy. This kind of woman is always the most popular among men if she knows how to use such strategies in a skillful way.) The thing with the emotionally unavailable woman is that she really doesn’t care if she’s involved with anyone – she really has no need for a relationship at the moment and would rather focus on other things. She’s either too busy, too burned out, or has recently been too emotionally burnt to have the chi to play any games, pursue, or select.

The irony: when a woman is emotionally unavailable, the men start dropping like flies. In a lot of ways, this woman is his dream girl. In the flock of women throwing themselves at him, not only does she present a challenge (something men love), but offers no threat of things getting too emotional or heavy any time too soon. Furthermore, she’s not frigid, mean, or bitchy – she just doesn’t care where things go or what happens. She has no agenda, no mission to get a ring on her finger, no vision of him meeting her parents, no plans to start popping out babes anytime soon… you get the picture.

So how does one become emotionally unavailable? While there are tons of ways to become “EU,” I thought it’d be easier for you to start working on the Top 5:

1. Stay busy, maintaining a jam-packed schedule. If you don’t have the time to think about relationships, then they can’t become a priority and you are less likely to stress over your status. This will make you less likely to respond to his email or return his phone call – at least any time soon. Ultimately, you’ll stay on his radar longer because you’re not giving him your full attention from the get-go and are in the driver’s seat in whether or not things will happen.

2. Travel – a lot. People who are always on the road (or in the air) have difficulty maintaining any kind of relationship. The fact that you’re always out of town will excuse you from not being overly attentive to a beau, but not rule out any potential. You just don’t have the time to get serious right now. You avoid dealing him an ego bruise, which will keep the door open.

3. Go on a relationship hiatus. Make a pledge to yourself that for the next “X” weeks, you will only be involved with yourself, taking the time to do everything you’ve been wanting to do to better yourself, take care of yourself, and love yourself. This will help you deflect any eager beaver attempts on his part ‘til you’re ready for them, upping the anticipation for him.

4. Throw yourself into a long-term project, e.g., write a book or screenplay, which will demand 99% of your attention. When you make the time to surface for some fun, make sure your friends get first dibs on your remaining 1%. Any males can join your posse in tow if they’re up for it. It’s the only way you can “squeeze” him in.

5. Look dynamite whenever you go out. If you’re giving off the aura that you could care less if you meet somebody, men will be even more intrigued that you’re all dolled up, but for whom? What purpose? What does this gal have going on that I need to know about?

Of course, being emotionally unavailable should only happen in stints. And after a while, you’ll have so many men falling at your feet that you’ll have to entertain the thought of getting involved with at least one of them a little more seriously. But in the meantime, see being EU as a way to focus on yourself, tend to the non-relationship needs in your life, and as a means to let guys come after you. You may be surprised by the end results.

The Good Life

Does the good life ensure a better sex life?

No, I don’t mean the good lives of the old, blue-blooded, moneyed tight-asses who marry for pedigree and only have sex to produce the mandatory heirs to their mandatory corporate thrones. And I’m not talking about the trampy lives of those gold-digging, hip hop queen wannabes whose panties will tumble down as soon as they see you throw that hundred-dollar bill on the table or pop a bottle of Cristal, even if the wine and the flash money was donated to the video shoot by your record label.

I’m referring to the sex high I’ve gotten on numerous occasions when I’ve chosen to mix it up a little and have gotten fancy when the situation didn’t call for it – and even sometimes when it did. I’ll just do it a little better, and fancier than anyone else. This turns me on. I use it sparingly, for fear it’ll lose its flavor, but its got such a powerful impact. These are the nights silk G-strings and Nicole Miller sandals were made for!

For example, I have a 20-year-old fantasy about going to the opera with someone special: arriving in a limo wearing a fancy gown and blowing a kiss to the driver as I’m escorted into the Met. I have no lasting interest in the opera, mind you, so what, besides the pure luxury of the act, would make me want to get all dolled up and sit through three hours of depressing drama sung in Italian? I can pretend my date is an important foreign diplomat and I can tell him to meet me in the ladies room for a little impromptu world peace negotiation.

Of course I wouldn’t want to do this all the time (I couldn’t afford to!), for this option is for the every-once-in-a-while, for rut eradication, for spice. Just like your G-spot vibrator isn’t what you reach for every night you sleep alone, but you sure are glad you have it in your arsenal.

If you’re out of your element, on a mini-vacation so to speak, you won’t help but feel a little tingle you wouldn’t necessarily feel at home in your old ratty sweats and tee shirt, right? And for some people, I think the act of playing dress up, G-string notwithstanding, isn’t worth the time or the trouble unless sex completes the scenario. Coatroom sex. Back alley sex. Limousine sex.

Wouldn’t you agree?

Trust & Love

In relationships, trust is one of the foundation stones. The thing about trust is that it's usually given without reservations, until it's broken. Once it is, trust is one of the hardest things to ever get back---sometimes nigh impossible.

I'll be the first to admit to my flaws (as many as they are). I'm a true cynic when it comes to guys. Experience has shown me that it's better to take everything they say or do at face value and with a healthy dose of skepticism until shown otherwise. Usually because most of the time, they talk up a good game and then can't deliver.

However that also backfires soundly. You start worrying over the most trivial things, when if you trusted implicitly it would not be an issue at all. You fret and agonize over every single issue that pops up, eventually worrying yourself into an insecure, needy spot and turning your relationship into a self-fulfilling prophecy of your own disbelief. And then we wonder why there are no good guys left, and why every man we end up with ends up being untrustworthy. Thinking the worse of someone until they have proven themselves worthy of your trust isn't the right thing to do, and in addition it's quite exhausting.

So, how does a woman of this century protect her heart and still remain optimistic at the same time?

First of all I think it starts within yourself. You are your own greatest foe when it comes to relationships. Figure out what your relationship patterns are, the kind of men you keep getting tangled with and what baggage from your past you are still holding on to. Then systematically analyze and break it all down, finding associations and correlations that you might not think of initially . Because at the end of the day, the common denominator in all your failed relationships

Secondly, cleanse your heart, mind, soul, body and spirit from all the negative influences that have clouded your perspective and your life (which include friends, families, exes, music etc.) Also bear in mind that the television, magazines and books have the ability to cloud your mind as well. Cleanse yourself totally inside and out. Take up a sport, yoga or martial arts. Reconnect with your spirit, your conscience, your God. Do whatever you have to do to get back to the happy, fulfilled and inspiring person that you were before you dipped your toes into this crazy thing called love.

When you have developed yourself into the phenomenal, radiant woman you are, only then do you get back into meeting people and developing relationships. Network, be social, be gracious and keep yourself open to every possibility that comes your way. Because really, you don't know if the guy who is right for you is the guy next door or down the street. Only by keeping yourself open to every possibility will you find the gem you seek. Remember, he's not going to charge in on a white horse in shining armor, filling every single one of the checks on your 344-point list---Mr. Right might even come in a whole different package.

Last but not least. Trust. Trust even though everything in you is screaming not to. Trust that every experience and person you meet is just another stepping stone to your ideal self. Trust in him until he's shown himself approved (or not).

Your thoughts?

Christmas Shopping & Doing Good

The gift-giving industry is an annually 51-billion dollar industry. All this money is going to pockets that are just getting richer and richer instead of to where it really should be going to---the less fortunate. While doing your Christmas shopping this year, how about you put your dollars towards a loftier goal as well?

World of Good is a company dedicated to bringing quality, unique handicrafts to a wider mainstream market. Local artisans all over the world in third world countries design and manufacture every single item by hand. On the website you can find bright, unique gifts ranging from baskets, journals, scarves, jewelry and accessories. Everything is custom made with authentic cultural products and only the finest craftmanship is involved.

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Bad Bad Bush

Sometimes I am all talked out. But not today. Today, I have decided to talk about the latest piece of political news that threatens all that I believe in. While I am psyched (yes psyched) about the latest election results, we still have our work cut out for us.

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Blowjobs around the Blogosphere

I'm just to say right up front that this is all Vixen's fault.  She recently posted about the Over-Educated Nympo's post Blowjobs Are Not Icky... and now I have a whole post of delicious blowjob links for you.

Continue reading "Blowjobs around the Blogosphere" »

"Cherish" Your Partner, Your Relationship

It's a common relationship question: What quality is most important in a relationship? Honesty? Communication? Passion? While acknowledging that one quality alone could never be enough, I give you my candidate: Cherish.

It's a verb, so it doesn't quite fit right in a list, but it's a powerful, under-used verb. With one swoop "cherish" encompasses "appreciative," "respectful," "giving," "nurturing," "kindness."

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Sex Toy of the Month! Rubba Duckie, You’re The One!

Ever tried it in the bathtub? Water can be the greatest aphrodisiac. I remember how ecstatic I was when I discovered all the sexy things I could do with a detachable shower head. I suddenly needed three showers a day!

I try all sorts of new body wash gels, loofah sponges, and bath beads. I love the idea of waterproof vibrators and have fun with all the different textures, temperatures, pressure settings, the works. I think the mere sensation of the water can be enough to turn me on some days. I’m curious about those “rub-a-dub” dice cubes that float and have sexy instructions on each side. I know how much guys hate baths and consider them a waste of time and water, but even the most shower-friendly man won’t be able to resist those! One of the funnier Sex & The City episodes had me consider buying an automatic toothbrush –set aside especially for sex of course, and using the very gentle brush attachment: I can’t mess around with the firm brush! What would I tell my gynecologist? A couple weeks ago I wrote about using kids toys as sex toys just so long as your kids don’t catch you in the act. Well, the sex toy of the month fits that bill as well as being suitable in and out of the water. Its called the Rubba Duckie!

Remember that song Ernie sang on Sesame Street about the rubber friend he was awfully fond of? Well, I guarantee you’ll be awfully fond of this toy too because it does much more than keep you company. Sure, that’s what your kids may think, but this baby vibrates, and at a really powerful rate, and of course floats and is completely waterproof. It even comes in a smaller, travel size!

So try it in the bathtub. Bring new meaning to lather, rinse, repeat.

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Vixen Vixen
Bad Girls Rule
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Sexologist/Sex Educator
Kellie Murphy Kellie Murphy
Pepper Schwartz Pepper Schwartz
Professor of Sociology, University of Washington

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