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Emotionally Unavailable

“You should bottle this emotional unavailability's better than perfume for its effectiveness.” Such was my friend’s reaction to the flood of attention I’ve been getting from men – all because for the last couple of months, I have been completely, utterly, totally emotionally unavailable (EU). The results of this emotional “scent” have been rather baffling to my friends. After all, isn’t it men who are usually emotionally unavailable? Aren’t we supposed to be giving them signals that we are interested instead of giving off an essence that we’re not?

From what we’re taught, men are supposed to be the woo’ers, while women are supposed to be coy, quiet, and apprehensive. And as nature has made us, we tend to be sexually selective and play hard to get, while men fight each other for the reproductive opportunities we offer them. Women are supposed to be choosy and men are supposed to win them over with their worth and charm when they’re not busy being aloof. Well, at least that’s what many biological and evolutionary theorists argue.

But when it comes to being EU, we’re not talking about being selective or playing hard to get. (And if that’s your game, know that playing hard to get DOES NOT work. Men have equally strong opinions of hard-to-get as they do of easy-to-get women. Your best strategy is to play selectively hard-to-get if you really want a guy. This kind of woman is always the most popular among men if she knows how to use such strategies in a skillful way.) The thing with the emotionally unavailable woman is that she really doesn’t care if she’s involved with anyone – she really has no need for a relationship at the moment and would rather focus on other things. She’s either too busy, too burned out, or has recently been too emotionally burnt to have the chi to play any games, pursue, or select.

The irony: when a woman is emotionally unavailable, the men start dropping like flies. In a lot of ways, this woman is his dream girl. In the flock of women throwing themselves at him, not only does she present a challenge (something men love), but offers no threat of things getting too emotional or heavy any time too soon. Furthermore, she’s not frigid, mean, or bitchy – she just doesn’t care where things go or what happens. She has no agenda, no mission to get a ring on her finger, no vision of him meeting her parents, no plans to start popping out babes anytime soon… you get the picture.

So how does one become emotionally unavailable? While there are tons of ways to become “EU,” I thought it’d be easier for you to start working on the Top 5:

1. Stay busy, maintaining a jam-packed schedule. If you don’t have the time to think about relationships, then they can’t become a priority and you are less likely to stress over your status. This will make you less likely to respond to his email or return his phone call – at least any time soon. Ultimately, you’ll stay on his radar longer because you’re not giving him your full attention from the get-go and are in the driver’s seat in whether or not things will happen.

2. Travel – a lot. People who are always on the road (or in the air) have difficulty maintaining any kind of relationship. The fact that you’re always out of town will excuse you from not being overly attentive to a beau, but not rule out any potential. You just don’t have the time to get serious right now. You avoid dealing him an ego bruise, which will keep the door open.

3. Go on a relationship hiatus. Make a pledge to yourself that for the next “X” weeks, you will only be involved with yourself, taking the time to do everything you’ve been wanting to do to better yourself, take care of yourself, and love yourself. This will help you deflect any eager beaver attempts on his part ‘til you’re ready for them, upping the anticipation for him.

4. Throw yourself into a long-term project, e.g., write a book or screenplay, which will demand 99% of your attention. When you make the time to surface for some fun, make sure your friends get first dibs on your remaining 1%. Any males can join your posse in tow if they’re up for it. It’s the only way you can “squeeze” him in.

5. Look dynamite whenever you go out. If you’re giving off the aura that you could care less if you meet somebody, men will be even more intrigued that you’re all dolled up, but for whom? What purpose? What does this gal have going on that I need to know about?

Of course, being emotionally unavailable should only happen in stints. And after a while, you’ll have so many men falling at your feet that you’ll have to entertain the thought of getting involved with at least one of them a little more seriously. But in the meantime, see being EU as a way to focus on yourself, tend to the non-relationship needs in your life, and as a means to let guys come after you. You may be surprised by the end results.


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Hah! I was emotionally unavailable for about 8 years of my twenties - too many problems at home and at work to focus on men. Result? There was one guy interested in me during those 8 years (!one!)- I could care less. The moment I had the energy to focus on getting a man again, they started pouring in. It's not always clear cut.

Whoever wrote this article must be dumb as a rock! Being emotionally unavailable is not a random choice! Its a serious problem of insecurities built up from a persons past whether man or woman. Look up it! There are books about people who suffer from this type of behavior, Its basically like a disorder. People that are emotionally unavailable only create more problems for themselves than anything else.

"Trying" to be emotionally unavailable just don't cut it. Emotional unavailability has to come from the heart baby.

The only kind of man you will attract by playing games like the above is the kind of man who finds women who play games attractive. do you really want that? dont play games, be your true self. if a man likes you for being yourself great, if he doesn't then it's great too, he won't be interested in you and you wont end up attracting him.

dont play games. im a guy and i like girls to be true to themselves. not playing games is a sign of confidence. playing games is a sign of a player. and who wants to date a player.

life is way too short to play games it makes it that much harder to find true love.

I agree with dude1. I got involved with an EU and while it was great in the beginning, it ended up a disaster. Why? Because I learned about the real person.

Of course, I also learned that she was was too burned out, was abused as a child and displaying symptoms of BPD (Borderline personality disorder). I liked the challenge but ultimately I had to give it up since I foresaw the outcome...

Who said anything about pretending? Or being interested? The whole point of being EU is that you really are ready for a hiatus and are turning your energy inward on yourself. That always stirs up interest - intrigue. And when it comes to men, it can be argued that they're the ones that turn the attraction into a game of pursuit & capture, no? ;)

The problem with this ladies, is that a game is being described. If you gain a guy through a game- what will you do once the relationship begins? Pretending to be unavailable to someone you want to be available for is dishonest and you have already broken the first rule- Obtaining a guy who does not like "the real you" will only end up in disaster anyway. Be yourself, call him back if you want to, talk to him when you want to, Don't play games!! It is emotinally immature and after all - you are interested!

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