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Hey Baby…What’s Your Sign?

Using astrology to size up potential partners is nothing new. During the 70s, “what’s your sign?” came right after “what’s your name?” Something about free love and the dominant hippie spirituality of our 70s culture made knowing whether someone was particularly star-sign compatible especially relevant, even if your relationship landed just through the next outdoor concert.

I got into astrology early in college. Something about having my chart done and discovering that after all the years of believing I was a chaste, exacting Virgo, I was actually, to my excitement and approval, a fiery, sexual Leo. (It has to do with knowing my birth time, not just my day and year, and that in 1970, when I was born, the sun decided to hang around in Leo until about 10:05 a.m. Lucky me!) And I was fascinated by this. I then understood why my horoscope never made any sense and why people I knew, who were the same sign, would be totally different from each other, even if they had the same birthday. Its about a complex combination of planetary positions that, if in agreement, would produce a really well-balanced person, and if not, well…would produce Adolf Hitler (He was a Taurus with many planets in Aries, which most experts say is a very dangerous combination). Anyway, I loved it. And I began a quest that isn’t that serious (I am NOT one of those weird, Miss Cleo ladies who’ll read your tea leaves), but it sure is interesting and a whole lot of fun. I got so good that at one point, I could watch someone for a few minutes and tell the sign they were born under, and with uncanny accuracy. I also can tell which guys are best in bed.

Sexual astrology is very, very interesting. Get the book Sextrology, by Starsky & Cox. If you get into this, you can actually pinpoint exactly how good a guy will be in bed and whether he’s likely the stick around afterward. I can dispel all the rumors and stereotypes (Scorpio is NOT the best in bed!) and gloat because I love to be right. I recently got into studying Venus and Mars signs: Venus is the planet that rules love and relationships and Mars determines a person’s sexual style and their tendency toward aggression. Having these planets in compatible signs can make your love and sex life incredible (He’s Just Not in the Stars, by Jenni Kosarin, is a new and hilarious new book modeled after Greg Behrendt’s best-selling “He’s Just Not That Into You” and will explain the Venus-sign phenomenon).

Some examples:

For high style and a damned good time in bed, get yourself a Libra. He’ll take you to the best places and shower you with affection. If he also has Venus in Libra, he may also be faithful to you for five minutes. Lucky you!

If its high adventure you’re after, go to the nearest race track and look for a Sagittarius. You’ll be one notch on a very long list, but if you get one with Venus in Capricorn, at least you’ll get a baby and a nice house out of the deal.

Aries is the all-time sexual champion of the entire astrological universe and I know this from personal experience: they love me! Yay me! But the trick to landing one is to act like you hate them and to never return their calls. You can also get one whose loyal too if you check for mommy issues and a Venus in Taurus position.

Don’t ever go near a Virgo.

And only date a Scorpio if you’ve given up on life and on making your own decisions. You’ll spend the rest of your days chained to the stove.

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Hahahaha! That's so funny yet I've had similar experiences with the Libra and Scorpio...maybe it does work

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