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65 million Americans are currently living with an STD.* And Women are twice as likely as men to contract an STD.* Find out how you can make a difference. Join the Cause. Visit elexabytrojan.com.

*Source: American Social Health Association

Have Sex & Save Money!

I’m an armchair psychologist.

Seriously, it was close to being my major in college and to this day I still enjoy the mechanics of how the human mind works. In fact, the more I study and read and people-watch, the more I’m convinced that there are actually very few human motivations and that these motivations – fear being the most common, directly affect your sex life.

Take cheap people for example. I’ve been certain for many years that people who huddle around a nickel like its the second coming are only sublimating for something else they’re not getting. To illustrate, one of my ex-boyfriends, Dan, was so cheap (cue: “How Cheap Was He?”) that he’d saved every receipt for everything he’d ever bought in case it would need to be taken back to the store. The man makes six figures, but when I asked him how he could take a vacuum cleaner that Hoover doesn’t even make anymore back to the store for a refund, it was crystal clear that this had nothing to do with saving money. This was sexual frustration masked as frugality. Was it any surprise that this “man” couldn’t keep it up for more than 30 seconds?

Same goes for people who separate the two-ply toilet paper, horde spare change, drive ten miles out of the way rather than pay tolls and/or mooch off their friends. I would never crack on anyone who actually needs to pinch pennies or clip coupons because they’re struggling; I’m talking about those who have cash who’d rather die than to let a few dollars go for the sake of pleasure or comfort.

But there is a remedy. Women’s Health just published an article called “The Cost…Of Not Having Enough Sex.” This article calculates down to the penny, how much you can save this year by getting laid instead of buying some of the more commonly used household staples like Advil, Movies OnDemand, even your regularly scheduled therapy appointment.

Let me know what you’re hording. Perhaps I can be of help. You’re welcome on my couch anytime. Well until my next boy toy arrives anyway.

You’d Better Behave Yourself!

I’ve always believed that everyone seems just a little too proper. I think we can all benefit from loosening the restrictions and letting it all hang out, so to speak. You get to know people faster that way. Take dating, for example. If it takes weeks to get all the formality out of the way so you can really get to know the other person, then you realize that person really wasn’t worth your time, what was the purpose of all the preliminary posturing?

Well, my freelance writing peer and style expert Caroline Tiger disagrees. She’s recently released another installment in her How to Behave book series called How To Behave: Dating and Sex. It appeared in my inbox through a Daily Candy article. Caroline believes some of us need a little help when faced with the conundrums of online dating, kicking someone out of your bed (or life) the morning after and hearing the L-word when not feeling it yourself (I recently lived through this one).

Perhaps you need a little guidance when navigating through murky dating waters. Following ones instincts doesn’t work for everybody, I guess. Some people get off on following the rules just like I get off on nice hands, a great kiss and a well-formed penis. What I think this really is about is not having the confidence to do what you want. Everyone’s looking for tips. We all want a map to follow.

What will we do when we finally learn that no map is correct? Well, until then, mind your manners and learn from Ms. Tiger how to behave.

Girl on Top Sex

According to sex researcher Beverly Whipple, coauthor of The Science of Orgasm, girl on top positions are the all time best positions for women reaching orgasms. The reasoning is that with you on top, you get to direct the pace and depth of penetration. In addition to that, his member is directly rubbing against not only your clitoris but your g-spot as well. Your hands get to be rubbing all over his body driving him wild, and at least one of your greatest assets (your boobs and your butt) are in his line of sight.

It's a total bossy move, you are in control and it's guaranteed to drive him wild (especially when you flip it to reverse cowgirl to have him stare at your sexy butt instead).

The only few drawbacks from girl on top positions are that:

  1. You are the one working it: For a few minutes, you might be able to handle this position--but if you are out of shape, it's going to be obvious that you are once you hit the 5 minute stretch. Your thighs start burning and you start breathing harder...and it gets uncomfortable and you lose your groove. The best way to handle this is to lean forward and put some of your body weight on your arms (just like the guys do). Be sure to work those thighs and legs out when you hit the gym to build your muscular endurance. In addition, have him thrust from below to decrease the amount of energy you are exerting. Try bumping and grinding against him instead of thrusting, it's just as effective and doesn't burn your thighs as much. Lean forward or backward to rest your quads while thrusting---a little angling goes a long way.
  2. You might get self conscious: Okay, I know not all of us can totally lose our inhibitions in the boudoir and this is where riding dirty might get dicey. Instead of concentrating on what he thinks of your chubby thighs, rounded belly, orgasm face and flopping breasts focus instead on reaching your multiple orgasms and driving him wild. He's just happy to be seeing you NAKED and he loves the fact that you are riding him---in fact, he's not noticing any of those things at all. So stop denying your own pleasure by focusing on them.

To spice up this awesome move, feel free to whip out your vibrator and slip it into the mix. The reverberations add to the sensations on both of you and takes it to a whole new level. Play with yourself, or encourage him to play with you. Don't forget to keep thrusting/bumping even when your orgasm hits, remember, you are the one in control here. It would totally suck if you were orgasming and then stopped before you hit the plateau.

So---what's stopping you? Climb on top of him tonight.

Did I leave out any other tips on the girl on top position? What do you do to spice it up?

The Perfect Blowjob

Ever wondered how to give your guy the most perfect blowjob he will ever experience? One that will have him remembering you as the babe who ruled the Guinness World Book of Blowjob Records? Well, Moxie has a great post on her blog about it. It's called the Cheat Sheet and it's a list collated from tons of experienced men and women who love giving and receiving blowjobs. I've tried most of the items on the list, but even I picked up a few pointers. It's a long read but well worth it.

Remember, the most important element to the perfect blowjob is ENTHUSIASM! You have to show up, get on your knees and suck him off hard-core. Act like it's a do-or-die affair and it's the last one you will ever suck. If you aren't into blowing his socks off, he's not going to enjoy it as much. Sure, he might still cum, but that doesn't make records.

The energies to a perfect blowjob is multi-layered and directly proportional. The more you are into it, the more he enjoys it. The more he enjoys it, the more excited you get. The more excited you get, the more turned on he gets. The more turned on he gets, the more sounds he makes.The more sounds he makes, the more surge of energy you get. Having him totally at your mercy turns you on even more and leads you closer to your own orgasm. It's a win-win situation.

Anyway, head on over there and read the Cheat Sheet. It's a worthwhile read and great information to file away for future and (hopefully timely) use.

Your thoughts?

Nudism Revisited! 10 Questions with Tom Mulhall, Owner of the Terra Cotta Inn, Clothing Optional Resort in Palm Springs, CA

Since I wrote my nudism blog back on January 10th I’ve gotten some replies from those who are curious, those who know and those who want me to spend some more time on the subject. Well, I spoke with the owner of a nudist resort recently, Tom Mulhall, who shed some light on this industry, its history and its future:

How Would You Introduce Yourself?
I own a nudist resort and we also belong to the Trade Association for Nude Recreation (TANR). I’m also a past president of the Palms Springs Chamber of Commerce, so I’m not just involved with nudism, but the entire tourism industry.

How Popular Is Nudism?
Well, one in seven people in Europe will visit a nude resort each year. Europeans are much more comfortable with nudity than we are in America. Nudism actually began in Europe (Europe the continent, not Great Brittain) in the late 1800’s as a medical treatment for Ricketts and the black sky effects of coal burning during the winter.

What’s Your Personal Nudism Story?
My wife, Mary Claire, and I were maybe 23 or 24 years old and were really poor recent college graduates looking to visit the original Jamaican Hedonism resort, which wasn’t like it is now. It cost only $300, round trip, including airfare, to go. We never realized they had a nude beach there. Since it was the 70s, the hippie culture was still dominant, but it took us a while to work up the nerve to try it. But once we did, we thought it was really cool, and we’ve been into it ever since.

How Has This Industry Evolved?
Now, nudism is no longer family/kid-oriented. There’s something now called “couples vacation packages.” People, especially when traveling to the Caribbean, tend to not take the kids so now there’s a huge market for resorts that can offer a different type of vacation experience. First, topless sunbathing, like at Hedonism and then at places like Club Med and Sandals became popular. This progressed to nude sunbathing becoming more popular.

What About Your Resort?
We lived in Chicago until 1994 when we moved to Palm Springs. We started buying rental buildings. I’m a CPA by background, my wife is a home economist. We’d vacationed a lot in the Caribbean and in Europe and talked about possibly opening our own clothing-optional resort at some point. We were the very first couples-oriented nude resort in the United States. We’re called the Terra Cotta Inn. We’ve now been open 12 years.

What’s the Personality Type of a Nude Sunbather?
This is for very outgoing people. And when you take your clothes off at a nude resort, you are so much better behaved. Its like bearing your body also accompanies bearing your soul. If you go and stay at a Hyatt or Hilton hotel, you never, ever make friends with people. Whereas at a nudist resorts you’re likely to make lifelong friends because you’ve really gotten to know other people.

Has Nude Sunbathing Grown In Popularity In the U.S.?
Nude recreation is really getting major press these days. I always say that once you get a major A-list celebrity who says they enjoy visiting nudist resorts, then you’ll blow the lid right off. You’ve got people like Tom Hanks, Jennifer Lopez and Jennifer Aniston who enjoy nude sunbathing or who say they enjoy going nude at home like Shakira, who gardens nude at her home in the Bahamas. Those things will always make the press. Then, everyone will want to do it.

And Personal Highlights?
When Newsweek did their article a few years ago on the best small business in America, they came here. How many people can say they’ve had their bare butt in Newsweek Magazine?


Where Should We Go for More Information?
I would suggest the American Association of Nude Recreation (AANR) for basic information, and, of course my site and blog: www.sunnyfun.com and www.terracottainn.blogspot.com

What The Hell Is Speed Dating?

I won’t clog the blog waves with yet another Valentine’s Day snore as, I’m sure, so many bloggers are wont to do today. Instead, I’ll tell you how I was invited, by a networking and social group I’m a member of, to a Valentine’s Day Speed Dating event. What the…?

The e-vite read like this:

Everyday is the 14th!

When: Valentine's Day 2007
Where: The African American Museum in Philadelphia
Time: Happy Hour (6pm to 9pm)
Price: $10 in Advance ~ $15 at the Door ~ $5 for YFS members
Why settle for 1 date on Valentine's Day when you can have 10?
Strongly Suggested Pre-Requisites for Participation:
• Ladies Must Bring A Guy Friend
• Fellas Must Bring A Lady Friend (that you're not dating…YFS is a Drama Free Organization People!)

Come Prepared to Have Fun (no uptight people allowed!)

Needless to say, I won’t be attending. As curious as I am about meeting new people and especially about watching people who are curious aim their arrows at the wrong people, I just can’t seem to wrap my brain around the concept of “dating” someone for six minutes and waiting to see if he also thought me interesting enough to see again. Because as my many years of experience with six-hour dating have taught me, about the only thing I can learn about a person in six minutes, is NOT whether I’d want a second date with them, but only if I’d want to sleep with them. Have the clubs and bars all closed?

According to New York EasyDates, “Why waste time with internet dating or blind dates? Know you like each other before you go out. New York EasyDates meet 'em before you date 'em.”

Well, duh! Isn’t the point of meeting people that you like what you see, and then move on to the phone call, then go out on a date? Remember that? Have we forgotten? What the hell is going on?


This crap even has a page on Wikipedia, the place for everything that’s anything in our culture, proof that its legit.

I even put a call out on my MySpace.com page telling the first 10 people who could relay to me their experiences on a speed date that they’d get a shot at reading their reply in this blog. No takers.

Get a life!

What to Expect When You're A Valentine

Tomorrow morning I will be appearing on the Today Show to talk about Valentine's Day Expectations. When I was first asked, "How should women manage their expectations on Valentine's?", I wanted to blurt out (humorously of course), "Don't have any!"

Continue reading "What to Expect When You're A Valentine" »

Winning Is An Aphrodisiac

Who cares about the Super Bowl anymore?

I watch every year. I’m a huge sports fan, I’m a football fan, and I like to check out the major sporting events because I am a fan and also because I’m a pop culture junkie who can’t help but make connections between what’s happening in the news and how it shapes us as a society.

For example, we’re still making racial history through sport. This Super Bowl was the first in American history to feature a Black head coach. Two, in fact. I also thought it interesting that most sports reporters who elaborated on this fact also seemed to need to apologize for approaching the subject by suggesting there will be a day when this topic won’t be relevant (no, there won’t).

But another subject that intrigues me about the big game and all the hoopla and pageantry surrounding it is the heightened sense of urgency, all the anticipation of the “big” moment and how sexually charged that all is.

Now, I’m not one of those women who get all gooey and orgasmic over chocolate. I also gossip very little, which many women use like lifeblood to stay connected to the world. I do like my shoes and I believe a quality massage never hurt anybody, but for me, one of my passion pursuits will always be pro sports. And I’m not the only one. Football wives and locker room groupies have a different agenda than I, who will always hold the game in higher esteem than the players’ marital status, however, the groupies and the “scope queens” have their place, and the Super Bowl is their biggest arena.

I remember back in the late 80s when I was still a teenager, The San Francisco 49ers won one of their Super Bowls with Joe Montana, their quarterback, being lifted ever higher into the ranks of studliness. I was working at a video store with lots of people my ages, and as we sports fans relived each great play of the game and debated where this one placed on the list of the greatest sports moments in history, most of the girls could only comment on how they wanted to be married to Joe Montana.

Okay. Whatever.

But it does make an interesting point. Where do you think all these paternity suits come from? Why are all those silicone-enhanced, sport-knowledge-deficient hoochies hanging around during and after games? How come the Super Bowl is just as much about hookers and “flesh and flash” parties as it is about the final score? And why do blogs, like the NFL Wives Club, exist?

I’ll tell you why. Because winning is an aphrodisiac!

Sex Toy of the Month February: Super Stretch!

How many of us have nearly sprained our wrists trying to give a quality hand job to a guy who takes forever? Or better yet, how many of us have guys who we don’t live with or see every day that we’d like to give the gift of a quality hand job when we can’t necessarily be there? That would be great, right?

Well this month’s toy solves that dilemma. Its more your wrist saver than a sex toy. Its called Super Stretch.

Its a cute silicone cylindrical sleeve that’s like a mitten over his erection and promises to feel just like the real thing. Its stretchy and tacky, has slight ribbing on the inside and is perfect for those couples who like to play with toys but hate the buzzing of the robotic, mechanical stuff. There are no batteries required for the Super Stretch.

And as the demonstrator explained, the effect is so immediate with Super Stretch, that the usual 10 minute mutual masturbation sessions that strengthened your wrists to those of pro tennis players would now be cut down to half the time! Know what this is? Its the sex aid for busy working women!

Lube is a definite requirement with the Super Stretch and its neatest feature? When you pinch the top of the Super Stretch as he orgasms, there will be no mess to clean up!

And no…the Super Stretch was not manufactured by the company that makes the Swiffer products.

The Incredible, Dangerous, Big Money Sex Rush!

Ever buy a very expensive pair of stiletto sandals? Remember the rush you got as you gently picked them up, smelled the leather, held them out in front of you, gently smiled as you imagined the outfits you’d wear them with, then flipped one shoe over to reveal the price tag positioned perfectly on the ball of the sole, realizing you could actually afford them without forfeiting this month’s mortgage and promptly whipped out the Visa card? If all your answers were yes, you’re also recalling the near orgasm it brought you.

I know this is a cheat, for many women enjoy shoes for the sake of shoes, whether they’re the Payless variety or the Manolo Blahnik variety, but you must admit that having a penchant for something hugely expensive and being able to occasionally treat yourself to it does provide a perverse thrill. Its not the same as being the “Belle of the Ball” like a blogged about last month, which is more about the whole of the experience; a sexy event. This is about particular and specific status items, that for whatever reason, turn us on so much that they invoke very real, very sexual feelings.

But…

But, there is a very real danger here. Have some plastic surgery. Buy the LaPerla lingerie. Buy the fancy strand of pearls. Get your blinged out Mercedes. Order the Tod’s bag for your toy dog. And after you have all those things, what will turn you on after that?

“Spend-a-holics” Anonymous, HERE YOU COME!

The Snow In/Love In

The forecast called for snow today. It was supposed to begin snowing yesterday evening and continue into today with some accumulation and the promise of a hellish morning commute.

I work at home so I don’t ever need to worry about the commute unless I have a meeting, which would usually be scheduled for late morning or early afternoon anyway. The real reason I always check the snow forecasts is because I’m anxious to check something off my varied and interesting sexual to do list: the snow/love in.

I’m always envious of those women who brag about spending entire weekends in bed with their boyfriends doing nothing but eating, reading (and writing) erotic fiction and, of course, sexing each other into oblivion. I’ve never done this. And I’m waiting patiently. I mean, I’d been snowed in with someone before. It was a couple years ago and he was absolutely gorgeous. But by the time I was settled in a comfortable groove and we were assuredly snowed completely in, he was already thoroughly ordinary to me. Well, it didn’t help that he was several years younger than I and spent almost the entire time trying to impress me instead of relaxing and just being natural. I remember him drowning himself in cologne one night because he thought it’d turn me on. He said this trick worked like a charm when his dad used it on his mom. But after I began sneezing and ordered him to go shower before I got a headache, I deemed the evening a no-go and turned over to go to sleep. Besides a few lingering kisses and a couple unfulfilling mutual masturbation sessions that weekend, I had no interest.

I think it may be the calmness of a snowstorm, of how it seems warm and still, that makes me feel sexy and amorous. Perhaps its the excitement of knowing that, at least for a day or so, I can turn off the computer, put the work away and not answer the phone, because I have this unexpected, yet much welcomed break to do precisely as I please. And when those moments arise, I’m usually looking to either spend money or do something decidedly sexual.

Alas, there wasn’t that much snow. Not enough for a legitimate snow/love in. And even if there were, my boyfriend was in Philly until late last night directing a last minute video shoot, meaning I’d need to wait for another time.

Oh well. I’ll wait for the next storm.

Give Up Masturbation? Are You Serious?

I’ve been covering my Elexa Sexy Smart beat faithfully and looking up sex toys and making my friends and acquaintances spill their dirt and nastiness for you guys and I am overlooking one of the greatest sex stimulators I’ve come across in my life and its one that will (barring any run-ins with the mafia) be with me until the very day that I die: my right hand!

Oh my goodness!

I mean, I’ve certainly mentioned masturbation in this blog, but its usually part of introducing a vibrator, describing an erotic fantasy or some manifesto on movies, music or tingling lube.

But what about rubbing yourself silly just for its own sake? No frills. No fantasies. Just for the sheer “get off” factor alone. I’ve lost whole afternoons masturbating. I’ll only allow my fingernails to get so long. Being in love (or lust) helps, but sometimes its purely a physical thing. Its like getting high.

I’m a chronic insomniac. Sometimes, I’ll be tired as hell, but I will not be able to get to sleep for the life of me. I’ll be tired, physically tired, but my mind will still be going like gangbusters. For whatever reason, one that I choose not to analyze, this is a sexual trigger for me. It doesn’t make me feel sexy, you see, but I must whack off in situations like that or I cannot shut down for the night. Sometimes I even need to come over and over and over before I’m spent. I know, weird, right?

So, I’ve been thinking: what would take masturbation’s place as my sleep method if I had to give it up? Girly herbal tea and Enya? Would I be hooked on sleeping pills? No way. I like my method. Because sincerely, who in the world, Dumb Josh Hartnett movies aside, would try to give up masturbation?

I’ve tried to see how many days I could go without it, you know, just as an experiment to see if my orgasms would be more intense after waiting a while (results proved inconclusive), or if it would make sex better with a new guy I was seeing (who cares?).

Tell me. What would you give up masturbation for?

What’s Your “Number”?

Why do women lie about the number of men they’ve had sex with?

I know there’s still a social stigma around even the idea of a woman being in complete control of her sexuality and not giving a damn about what other people think. And I know that what gives men a studly image makes women into pariahs. But now, in the new year 2007, can’t we move past that archaic crap and into a phase where we celebrate women’s sexual prowess, something that can only be attained through confidence and experience?

I read recently that the thing women lie about the most is not their age nor their dress size, but the number of men they’ve bedded. What is that? Do women believe that their vaginas are these delicate vessels that cannot be used unless in case of an extreme emergency? Give me a break. A real man would never judge a woman by these antiquated standards and would even consider it a privilege to experience a woman who so obviously knows what she wants and how to get it.

So, here’s my proposition. Call it a New Year’s Resolution if you want. But I’d like to see the tables turn so much so that the mere mention of a woman’s number makes a man want to devour her, not run for the hills. And I’d like to see women excited to add to their sexual roster instead of feeling like dirty, diseased whores when they add another tick mark to their bed posts. We could even throw our “number” out there, like a sexual lure, a worm on the end of our hook, to give men a teaser about what’s in store and that we wouldn’t just lie there like a dead fish.

C’mon ladies, sow your oats. Tell me your wild stories. I’ll post them right here on this blog.

Oh, my number? 26.

Hi Tech - Lo Sex

I have a friend who sleeps with his Blackberry Crackberry on his nightstand so that he can communicate all night long. Needless to say, his girlfriend is not thrilled by this behavior...because they no longer have sex and because he's becoming a big tech geek (not that that's always a bad thing).

Continue reading "Hi Tech - Lo Sex" »

Sex For Help: How Many Blowjobs Do I Owe You?

My toilet broke a while back. Well, the rubber flapper inside the tank stopped “flapping” and I needed to ask my boyfriend to help me fix it because I couldn’t hold the flashlight and unscrew the damned thing at the same time. I know, real sexy, right?

So anyway, he comes to the rescue and I spend three or so hours stressed and cursing while he very patiently helps me pick out new parts at Home Depot and also helps me install everything, even going as far as convincing me to change the flapper on my other toilet too because as he put it, “If one’s broken its just a matter of time before the other breaks too.” He’s really very sweet.

But at least 57 times during this ordeal, I mentioned to him that I owed him a blowjob for helping me. That’s 57 blowjobs! Not that I can’t perform 57 blowjobs, its that I say this a lot when a man helps me with something that I can’t do alone, because contrary to what I’d like people to think about me, I am not superwoman. My boyfriend and I laugh about it and even have rated some things according a sliding blowjob scale.

He had a great new stereo installed in my car for my birthday. That was worth 10 blowjobs.

He helped me sell that car after my accident in November. That was worth 25 blowjobs.

The car I bought to replace it needed a new shift boot and still needs the automatic mechanism for the convertible top fixed. I’m willing to get the kneepads out for that too!

It started as a cute and funny joke, but has now escalated to something close to the edge of disturbing. I’m addicted to it. Can a man not help me without my offering him sexual favors? I just love to see his face light up, like he’s thanking me for asking him for help. Is it some testament to my feeling like I don’t deserve help from someone? I need to get to the bottom of this as soon as possible since I haven’t actually had to make due on any of these offers yet.

The last thing I want is to fall further in arrears.

New Year's Sex Resolution

Okay, I'll be the cliche blogger that actually posts about resolutions. Every woman when thinking of your New Year's resolutions should incorporate her desires in the realm of romance and sex into her New Year's resolutions.  You don't want to just grow in some areas of your life...you want to grow in all of them, right? And the boudoir should be one.

The New Year is an opportunity to close a previous chapter and spark a fresh angle to the next chapter of life, and it is important to be open and explore the new romantic possibilities and actually discuss them with your lover.  I'm sure he would love to add new passionate ways to have sex to your repertoire, as well as new places and props, but this would be a great time to also bring up a discussion about consistent safe sex. Once a lady gets into a relationship, she gets on birth control and thinks that it's okay to no longer practice safe sex. But the prevalence and spread of STDs via women is still at a rapidly growing rate, and only we can be champions of our own sexual health.

This discussion as a part of a New Year's Resolution can revitalize and further intensify our sex life and also reinforce our trust and communication.  Remember, it is not only okay but essential to communicate about these things and the New Year presents us with a golden opportunity.  Take advantage of it!      

Threesomes

How do threesomes happen?

I hear stories, both exciting and nerve wracking, from people who’ve decided to share the person they’ve made a commitment to with a total stranger or mere acquaintance for only a few minutes of fun.

I also hear stories about threesomes that “just happen,” when three people are drunk or overly stimulated or on vacation or temporarily insane.

I once received a message from a woman while I was listed on Match.com that asked if I’d like to be the third party in her “first bi experience.” I got the sneaky suspicion her husband was the svengali of the whole deal and if I were interested, which I was not, I’d surely have been completely turned off when she sent a photo of the two of them without cropping out their five-year-old daughter. Big mistake.

I believe that most people who seek a three-way are emotionally immature commitment-phobes who get off on the control they may be able to wield over their partners who have yet to wake up. I think women in these situations, more often than not, are afraid of losing their husbands or boyfriends to infidelity and will humiliate themselves in any way possible to keep that from coming to pass.

However, whether the act is planned or spontaneous, this is a subject that’s become quite the phenomenon during the last several years. So I did what any blogger would do when researching this post: I googled “threesome.”

Damn!

There are threesome personals at Passion.com, some good threesome advice at The Site.org, and of course, no shortage of threesome porn.

But my favorite article was written by a crazy, yet highly intelligent man, Don Pitts, who understands, like I do, that threesomes and most other sex swapping situations make great fantasies, but the fantasy is always better than the reality and if you want to prove that axiom wrong, you’ll regret it. Read his story HERE, and beware!

Condoms on Campus - Nonexistent?

I haven't blogged in a while...vacation seems to fry my brain. What is supposed to recharge my batteries actually makes me a bit groggy. But have no fear, I'm back, ready to tackle all that our society has to throw at us (or all that we create for that matter). Today's issue - a recent blog in the Huffington Post.

Continue reading "Condoms on Campus - Nonexistent?" »

Femme or Butch: Which Do You Prefer?

I tend to not like watching men do feminine things. I’m researching a story on strip clubs in my area and I know that eventually, I’ll need to explore male exotic dancing. I don’t want to. Men stripping is about as much of a turn-on to me as getting my teeth cleaned. And its not because I think sexual objectification is woman’s work. Its because I like to objectify men doing masculine things, like playing football, not taking their t-bars off while dancing to Olivia Newton-John songs. That makes me laugh, not swoon.

The same goes for women. I do get turned on by watching women gyrate to the floor from the top of the pole and by how they smell while I’m getting a lap dance. But I do not, under any circumstances, want to watch women mud wrestle, box or get drunk and fight another woman over some man who ain’t even worth the beer they’re throwing at each other. It isn’t ladylike and what’s more, its impractical.

For example, as much as I love Laila Ali, I never realized how attractive and appealing she was until she made a guest appearance on the TV show “Girlfriends” a few seasons ago as Toni’s new and demanding real estate client. She’s incredibly beautiful. Perhaps she just loves boxing and following in her famous dad’s footsteps (Muhammad Ali had six daughters, no sons), which I cannot begrudge her, but sexy? Nope. Never saw it. And with as much of an athlete as I am, and as good at certain sports as I was, I’ll never argue that I ever looked sexy while playing.

There’s something about high heels and lip gloss and satin panties. That’s sexy. Not weak, and not necessarily submissive, but feminine.

And there’s something to be said about broad shoulders and facial hair and a warm, deep voice. I love seeing the kind of swagger in a man that can only come from high doses of testosterone.

I happen to like them over six feet tall and more than 200 pounds, so that if I’m wearing my highest heels and tip over, he’s still a little taller than me and can catch me before I hit the ground. I’m a strong woman and I like a big, strong man. Call it modern Darwinism, but can anybody argue?

An Oasis on the Horizon, Or A Mirage?

Ever been through a drought? I don’t mean a few weeks where you’re both super busy and exhausted and having sex is just for the physical release and to put you to sleep. I mean a DROUGHT…a serious, months-long anti-sex pattern that only you, not your adoring, attentive partner, are going through. Well, its happening to me.

It began during late summer. The combination of money worry and intense heat. Then I got a new client, but developed my patented “Six-Month Commitment Phobic Wandering Eye” disease. Its worse than glaucoma. Then, on Thanksgiving night, during a rain storm and driving home from my mother’s house, I was in a horrific car accident that totaled my car and sent the tension/worry meter scurrying back up to 1000. Its only now, after several months of this, that I’m beginning to see a light at the end of the tunnel.

My boyfriend has been so great through all of this. He’ll lie next to me, rub my back, and tell me that everything’s going to be okay. Even if its a lie, its still comforting to hear. He’s been schlepping me around and giving me his expert advice on buying and selling cars, he’s a great and loyal friend. But what if I don’t get the sex thing back?

I’ve always prided myself on being a potent sexual being. The fact that I’m a woman has never stopped me from putting my sexuality right out there, aggressively, for anyone I was attracted to (and some I wasn’t) to see. It’s a healthy part of who I am and damn it, I’ll use it! Plus, I’m supposed to be at my sexual peak. What’s going on?

I’ve had some intense urges to have sex during the past few weeks. I’ve had those daydreams that start as mere passing thoughts, become languid and relaxing fantasies, then turn into hard driving, imaginative, spine-tingling masturbation sessions. Too bad nobody’s around while they’re happening as my Waterpik shower sprayer is getting a serious workout.

Its obvious that my head needs to be totally clear for more than a few hours and that a man needs to be present, but damn! Have I officially become an old maid?

Holiday Vacation and the Yearly Need for Grooming

There is quite a debate out there about Brazilian bikini waxing...just ask Suzanne Reisman, whose blog, CUSS and other rants, is devoted to the subject. I for one, am all for waxing (at least for adult women deciding to take it off)...and when it's time for vacation, especially those where bathing suits are an evil necessity, waxing becomes essential.

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Hey Baby…What’s Your Sign?

Using astrology to size up potential partners is nothing new. During the 70s, “what’s your sign?” came right after “what’s your name?” Something about free love and the dominant hippie spirituality of our 70s culture made knowing whether someone was particularly star-sign compatible especially relevant, even if your relationship landed just through the next outdoor concert.

I got into astrology early in college. Something about having my chart done and discovering that after all the years of believing I was a chaste, exacting Virgo, I was actually, to my excitement and approval, a fiery, sexual Leo. (It has to do with knowing my birth time, not just my day and year, and that in 1970, when I was born, the sun decided to hang around in Leo until about 10:05 a.m. Lucky me!) And I was fascinated by this. I then understood why my horoscope never made any sense and why people I knew, who were the same sign, would be totally different from each other, even if they had the same birthday. Its about a complex combination of planetary positions that, if in agreement, would produce a really well-balanced person, and if not, well…would produce Adolf Hitler (He was a Taurus with many planets in Aries, which most experts say is a very dangerous combination). Anyway, I loved it. And I began a quest that isn’t that serious (I am NOT one of those weird, Miss Cleo ladies who’ll read your tea leaves), but it sure is interesting and a whole lot of fun. I got so good that at one point, I could watch someone for a few minutes and tell the sign they were born under, and with uncanny accuracy. I also can tell which guys are best in bed.

Sexual astrology is very, very interesting. Get the book Sextrology, by Starsky & Cox. If you get into this, you can actually pinpoint exactly how good a guy will be in bed and whether he’s likely the stick around afterward. I can dispel all the rumors and stereotypes (Scorpio is NOT the best in bed!) and gloat because I love to be right. I recently got into studying Venus and Mars signs: Venus is the planet that rules love and relationships and Mars determines a person’s sexual style and their tendency toward aggression. Having these planets in compatible signs can make your love and sex life incredible (He’s Just Not in the Stars, by Jenni Kosarin, is a new and hilarious new book modeled after Greg Behrendt’s best-selling “He’s Just Not That Into You” and will explain the Venus-sign phenomenon).

Some examples:

For high style and a damned good time in bed, get yourself a Libra. He’ll take you to the best places and shower you with affection. If he also has Venus in Libra, he may also be faithful to you for five minutes. Lucky you!

If its high adventure you’re after, go to the nearest race track and look for a Sagittarius. You’ll be one notch on a very long list, but if you get one with Venus in Capricorn, at least you’ll get a baby and a nice house out of the deal.

Aries is the all-time sexual champion of the entire astrological universe and I know this from personal experience: they love me! Yay me! But the trick to landing one is to act like you hate them and to never return their calls. You can also get one whose loyal too if you check for mommy issues and a Venus in Taurus position.

Don’t ever go near a Virgo.

And only date a Scorpio if you’ve given up on life and on making your own decisions. You’ll spend the rest of your days chained to the stove.

Can You Seductively Kill Spontaneity

A man once asked me, "How do you stop the train when it's moving?" I didn't get it. Was he giving me an SAT question hoping that I would be some Rubik's Cube champion with great success in answering impossible questions? Was this a sex question? Ah, yes, it was. This man wanted to know how to stop "the train" of sexual spontaneity in order to whip out the condoms.

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Sex Songs - What's Your Fave?

I am the kind of girl who can really get into her music...I mean, really get into her music.

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Orgasmless Sex

Until recently, I had never heard of Orgasmless Sex. My friend coined the phrase when she was describing to me an encounter that she had with a certain gentleman. "It was the best orgasmless sex I have ever had!" she exclaimed.

Orgasmless sex? What in the world? Is it truly possible that in this day and age that there are women that have sex on a consistent basis and don't manage to orgasm? If so, what is the drive for having sex in the first place? I asked her all these questions, and my friend was kind enough to reply.
   
Orgasmless sex is pretty much what we think it is; having a sexual encounter without reaching the big O. She told me that she is not one of those women who can orgasm pretty easily, it takes a while for her. She has to feel comfortable in the relationship and many other factors applies. As well as it being the right guy, her head has to be in the game, and he has to be used to her body. This has never been achieved with one night stands or friends with benefits. But she still wants to have sex...and enjoy it.
So she is used to having orgasmless sex. She says that when achieving an orgasm is not all that you are focused on, you can really enjoy the moment, every nuance, every subtle touch, and just really enjoy the whole experience. She gets to savour his body while he does the same with hers. It also takes less pressure off the guy to perform or to make you come, and so he enjoys the experience far better too. She tends to focus more on pleasing the guy, and just the service in turn pleases her.

Looking back, I realise that I have had orgasmless sex a few times. But it's never been a regular habit of mine, and probably never will be. I love the breathless anticipation and the dizzy exultation that accompanies the Big O, and I know that I could never give that up. If I found a guy that couldn't make me orgasm (even with sufficient teaching), well then he has simply had to go.

Orgasmless sex can be good, but I'll still settle for having a Big O, any day of the week and twice on Sundays.

Tag, You’re It!

Learn to be elusive. You’ll have better sex! I promise!

Well, I can’t actually promise it, but I am absolutely in LOVE with the idea of using my own personal mystery to lure a man in, seduce him, and have my way with him only to have him following me around like a lovesick puppy while I lose nothing but a few extra hours. Yes, I know, its my sexy, sadistic side.

Problem is, I suck at it…

The need to be the queen of quicksilver is trumped a million times over by my enjoyment of the chase: that is, me chasing him! I love a good challenge. Its gotten me where I am in business, its why I’m the best on the basketball court and its created some very interesting dating and sex experiences: some good, some bad, but always interesting and always putting me in a great position to learn and apply the lesson to the next situation.

Its just that those challenges never change. Its always a new face, but the same scenario. And now I’m beginning to think that the problem isn’t finding a man who is the ultimate challenge, but that it is I who am the biggest challenge. It began innocently enough. When I was young, I was always the friend girl, the sidekick, the first picked by the boys for dodge ball. And I hated it. When the other girls got breasts, I stayed flat and remained “the friend.” I wanted so badly to be the one they lusted for, cat called, whistled at, but it wasn’t happening. I didn’t get any serious male attention until I was in my early 20s and I was so beside myself with glee that I felt I couldn’t turn down any invitations, ignore any calls or be the one who ended things. That got real old, real fast. I put some notches on my belt pretty quickly, but also endured a bunch of crap I would never take today. Thing is, I won’t start taking guy’s crap anytime soon, but I didn’t reinforce the other end, meaning that I still won’t turn down many invitations, ignore many calls or be the one who ends things. I still believe if I don’t answer that phone, he’ll forget about me and take up with some other, bustier girl and I’ll be relegated to sidekick status again. But if I could just master it, I know he’d stay around longer and I’d have better sex.

So, I’m not a “Rules” girl. I know some of those women who waited six months or until they were wearing the engagement ring to have sex…and they’re DIVORCED now! So who says they’re right? I have no hard and fast rules, no pun intended. I cannot stand even abiding the three-date rule. How about a three-hour rule? That’s more like it! I’m a hunter, a wild animal who chases it down, devours it, but maybe stays a bit too long to bask in the afterglow. There’s just got to be some balance.

I’ve been a proponent of Greg Behrendt’s “He’s Just Not That Into You” mantra since before the book was published and save for a few isolated incidents, I can move on without too many tears. But what about my challenge? Can I be the aggressor and be elusive at the same time?

Real Lesbians Show Yourselves!

No woman is ashamed anymore of admitting to her college dorm fling with the girl down the hall. It seems everyone’s “try-sexual” and threesomes, swapping, sex on ex and girl on girl are as ordinary now as the missionary position was for our parents. There’s no harm in that, I’ve partaken myself, but where does that leave the gay girls? Real lesbians need a venue to find their true loves too and the current atmosphere of “everybody kiss no matter who the bottle points to” can’t possibly make it easier for our lesbian sisters.

I’ll elaborate.

Ever wake up in the middle of the night, toss and turn a little, then realize the inevitable, find the remote and start clicking? Its pretty scary. Not the waking up part, but what passes for late night television these days. How much film needs to be wasted on any more episodes of Girls Gone Wild for us to realize that something is terribly wrong and there’s a trend toward women, incredibly young and impressionable women, turning themselves into playthings and sex toys just because they’ve had a little (or a lot) to drink and there’s a camera rolling. What’s more, girl on girl action seems obligatory and as these tramps are all in college, where do actual young lesbians go to meet the women with whom they may possibly find something in common?

On a recent posting for Dan Savage’s Savage Love column, a young college student lamented that she was having trouble finding someone who fit the bill as truly lesbian or bisexual. He agreed with her that most of these experimenters do give true, “out” lesbians and bisexual women a very bad name, because they’re mostly “drunk, straight chicks.”

How do we experiment and have some sexy fun without making fools of ourselves and disgracing an entire group of people?

The Good Life

Does the good life ensure a better sex life?

No, I don’t mean the good lives of the old, blue-blooded, moneyed tight-asses who marry for pedigree and only have sex to produce the mandatory heirs to their mandatory corporate thrones. And I’m not talking about the trampy lives of those gold-digging, hip hop queen wannabes whose panties will tumble down as soon as they see you throw that hundred-dollar bill on the table or pop a bottle of Cristal, even if the wine and the flash money was donated to the video shoot by your record label.

I’m referring to the sex high I’ve gotten on numerous occasions when I’ve chosen to mix it up a little and have gotten fancy when the situation didn’t call for it – and even sometimes when it did. I’ll just do it a little better, and fancier than anyone else. This turns me on. I use it sparingly, for fear it’ll lose its flavor, but its got such a powerful impact. These are the nights silk G-strings and Nicole Miller sandals were made for!

For example, I have a 20-year-old fantasy about going to the opera with someone special: arriving in a limo wearing a fancy gown and blowing a kiss to the driver as I’m escorted into the Met. I have no lasting interest in the opera, mind you, so what, besides the pure luxury of the act, would make me want to get all dolled up and sit through three hours of depressing drama sung in Italian? I can pretend my date is an important foreign diplomat and I can tell him to meet me in the ladies room for a little impromptu world peace negotiation.

Of course I wouldn’t want to do this all the time (I couldn’t afford to!), for this option is for the every-once-in-a-while, for rut eradication, for spice. Just like your G-spot vibrator isn’t what you reach for every night you sleep alone, but you sure are glad you have it in your arsenal.

If you’re out of your element, on a mini-vacation so to speak, you won’t help but feel a little tingle you wouldn’t necessarily feel at home in your old ratty sweats and tee shirt, right? And for some people, I think the act of playing dress up, G-string notwithstanding, isn’t worth the time or the trouble unless sex completes the scenario. Coatroom sex. Back alley sex. Limousine sex.

Wouldn’t you agree?

Sex Toy of the Month! Rubba Duckie, You’re The One!

Ever tried it in the bathtub? Water can be the greatest aphrodisiac. I remember how ecstatic I was when I discovered all the sexy things I could do with a detachable shower head. I suddenly needed three showers a day!

I try all sorts of new body wash gels, loofah sponges, and bath beads. I love the idea of waterproof vibrators and have fun with all the different textures, temperatures, pressure settings, the works. I think the mere sensation of the water can be enough to turn me on some days. I’m curious about those “rub-a-dub” dice cubes that float and have sexy instructions on each side. I know how much guys hate baths and consider them a waste of time and water, but even the most shower-friendly man won’t be able to resist those! One of the funnier Sex & The City episodes had me consider buying an automatic toothbrush –set aside especially for sex of course, and using the very gentle brush attachment: I can’t mess around with the firm brush! What would I tell my gynecologist? A couple weeks ago I wrote about using kids toys as sex toys just so long as your kids don’t catch you in the act. Well, the sex toy of the month fits that bill as well as being suitable in and out of the water. Its called the Rubba Duckie!

Remember that song Ernie sang on Sesame Street about the rubber friend he was awfully fond of? Well, I guarantee you’ll be awfully fond of this toy too because it does much more than keep you company. Sure, that’s what your kids may think, but this baby vibrates, and at a really powerful rate, and of course floats and is completely waterproof. It even comes in a smaller, travel size!

So try it in the bathtub. Bring new meaning to lather, rinse, repeat.

Taking Charge in the Bedroom

The media and society have propelled sexual empowerment for women rapidly ahead in the last decade. I remember a time when it was taboo for a woman to seek out a man purely for a sexual encounter however now we have definitions, boundaries and tips for everything from a casual one nighter to a regular fuck buddy.

Guys have always been cast in the role of the assertive aggressor in the relationship. He's usually the one the initiates sex either by asking for it, seducing you and sometimes practically commanding you to his behest. Women on the other hand in the past have been known to be more submissive. More traditional roles even place a woman as lying stoically on the bed like marble while she completes her 'wifely duty'--(yeesh!)

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He Loves You When You’re Mad

Back when I was flirting with becoming a feminist, I bought a subscription to Marie Claire magazine. I know that Marie Claire is no rival for Ms. Magazine and won’t put any other hard-core feminist publication out of business any time soon, but as an energetic college student about to take on the world, it was refreshing to read a magazine that not only gave great fashion and beauty tips, but also cared about women’s rights and sought to bring my attention to what was happening with young women around the globe.

One article I remember in particular – one of the lighter, funnier ones – asked the question, “Why do bitches get the best men?” It referenced all the usual Hollywood suspects: Madonna, Courtney Love, Sharon Stone, Shannen Doherty, and explored the connection between being a very powerful, driven woman who takes no crap from anyone and the likelihood for errant sex tape scandals, sexy affairs with married men, cat fights over soon-to-be ex-boyfriends and the like.

I never got it out of my head. You must admit there is some validity to it. Many an affair and fantasy can be attributed to the sexual power of the bitchy woman. There are women who men want to have their hot, exciting fling with: a sexy vacation to take between long-term relationships with the girls next door. Its romantic, its fast-paced, its hot-tempered. Then, its over, and they’re back with someone named Barbie or Christie or Susie. I’m analyzing my own love life. I didn’t have much for a comparative study back then, but now, I have 15 solid years of dating and relationship experience and I must confess to being in just one situation in my love life that I can define as long-term, and that doesn’t count because it took a year and a half to get to know the guy and when I got to know him I realized I didn’t like what I got to know! So my point is that most of my experience has turned out to be the temporary kind and I now believe its because I am seen as this sexy, powerful, Amazon bitch woman who’ll take control and has no feelings. In other words, nobody wants to form a lifelong relationship with a woman they’re convinced only belongs in their fantasies.

Perception is reality for most people and they’ve always perceived me a certain way. Men and women alike don’t ever assume I can be a decent person. Because of my looks and with very few exceptions, people believe that I never have a bad day, never make a mistake, never sleep, eat, catch cold or cry. In their eyes, I am insufferable and impossible to please so what’s the point of getting to know me? I’m that exotic resort men want to visit in order to rest up for their next round with Barbie, that nice girl with less ambition and more patience for their crap. And that brings me to an inevitable question.

Could I be a sex toy?

The Happy Homemaker's Guide to Making Dental Dams

I used my first dental dam when I was about seven. I was in the dentist's chair getting my back molars sealed. But today, dental dams have a whole new meaning - and I am not sure if my pediatric dentist would be happy that I was talking about my "first" time.

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"I Hate Your Boyfriend": Do You Tell A Friend?

The holidays typically stress me out. Though this year I didn't have time to be stressed seeing that I never saw the holidays coming. Time has flown by, and now I think that I best be living each day to the fullest, and encouraging my friends to do the same too.

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Drugs & Sex

There’s ginseng, a natural stimulant that boosts energy and (allegedly) makes you feel sexy. There’s Ecstasy, a not-so-natural stimulant that promotes affection, if not necessarily sexual activity – I had a guy once describe Ex as making your entire body feel like a giant, swollen clit. Imagine that! Then there are the big guns, Viagra and Cialis, prescription sex enhancements that give rich, old men hope and threaten us with a four-hour erection.

But what about using a drug, whether natural or synthetic, legal or illegal, to enhance sex drive or pleasure?

Some may say that a drug induced sex enhancement, whether from natural, herbal sources or not, is a cheat, and it will eventually take away from your drive, not to mention from your health and the rest of your life. And some may say its no different than using a sex toy, just one more element your can add to your sexual mix, or not.

There’s a connection (at least with me) between being in great physical shape and your body getting off from its natural feel-good drugs, namely the endorphins, and it boosting your sex drive, not to mention your body image and confidence. Is this any different than using an over-the-counter or even a street drug to achieve the same effect, if that’s your thing?

I’m not here to judge. I had an ex-coke head tell me that when he was high on the nose candy, he’d want to bang everything that walked, but he couldn’t necessarily finish the race (if you understand what I mean). This is an obvious drawback. However, he also said that he’d have the confidence to try things or to talk to prettier women while on the powder than he would otherwise. There were pros and cons.

My latest curiosity is about a drug called Enzyte. There’s a recent marketing push for it, but its been around for about five years. It’s a natural male enhancement whose draw is that its a once-a-day pill and that it promises huge erections and stamina, but its all natural (read: no four-hour side effects). Is this our future? Are there that many men out there who can’t get it up or keep it up that improving upon modern, pharmacological science is such a big business? I’m not naïve enough to believe that a large portion of the population isn’t taking these prescriptions recreationally, but all this?

There’s a pretty professional website called Penis Resources (I can’t make this stuff up!) that helps explore all this and sells all matter of topical creams, extenders, patches, pills (the herbal types) and explains in detail just how common frigidity and erectile dysfunction are and that its not a crime.

You make the call.

Kids Toys As Sex Toys: Co-Ed Naked Twister Anyone?

I’ve been thinking. I blogged earlier about how I like sex toys to look and seem like play toys, not like clinical, sterile torture tools, you know, something fun that makes you giggle, makes you orgasm, but isn’t necessarily meant to take the place of a real penis.

But what about actual play toys becoming sex toys?

Let’s explore this. Remember Nerf, those balls and projectiles that couldn’t hurt you because they’re made from that spongy, collapsible material? Well they’ve got something now called Nerf Dart Tag. Its like laser tag or paint ball only with Nerf darts that don’t sting. I say, play it naked around the house. Reenact that scene from the movie Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Work out your aggressions and make up afterward. Do the same with Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots. Yes, they still make that one! And when’s the last time you played a game of Twister? You know Twister, that silly game with the spinner and the colors and positions of your hands and feet? Not until recently did the sexual possibilities of this one occur to me. Yes, I bought one. I haven’t played it with a guy yet, but its in my arsenal now nonetheless.

Board games create unlimited sex options. Think about playing Scrabble with the rule that only sexy words and terms can be used or Trivial Pursuit with the caveat of having to remove an article of clothing every time you answer incorrectly. I’d lose every time, which means I’d actually win.

Note to parents: just keep in mind you’ll need to concoct a very creative story if the kids go looking for Twister’s spinner and find it in your bedroom.

Fetishistic!

Merriam-Webster defines a fetish as “an object believed to have magical powers, an object of unreasoning devotion or concern or an object whose real or fantasied presence is psychologically necessary for sexual gratification.” Dr. Drew Pinsky used to elaborate on LoveLine that fetishes were perfectly healthy and normal, and usually developed before the age of five, so most people with fetishes don’t have any solid memory of how it began.

I’ve known very few stone cold fetishists in my life, but the few I did come across certainly made an impression. John had a hard-core foot fetish. During spring and summer he’d obviously stare at our toe-painted, sandal-clad feet and volunteer to pedicure and pamper said feet. I immediately put him to work. Dave, a guy I worked with, had a thing for women in white stockings. I had this outfit back then – a white, heavy cable sweater number – that I wore with white tights and boots. I told him to get a job in a hospital where he’d have his pick of any of the white-legged and white-shoed nurses he wanted, but in the meantime, to leave me alone. And I guess its common knowledge that cross dressers aren’t necessarily confused about their sexuality, they just became fixated at a young age with women’s clothing and need to work it out through playing dress-up in mama’s pearls as grown men.

I won’t encourage anybody to get involved with a man who wants to wear your panties, but nurturing a harmless fetish can be fun. We just need to be clear about the difference between a fetish and something that compromises self-esteem. In other words, toenail painting is a harmless fetish that will please him and save you some time at the salon, but his need to have sex on a crowded subway train to check one more bullet point off his juvenile “must do before I die” list is not. His thing for stiletto pumps? Check. But tell him “nice try” to the idea of a threesome with your best friend while he films it.

Oh, and speaking of foot fetishes, check out this cool Foot Fantasy kit I found online. Then, when you run across the next foot-fixated guy, like a Girl Scout, you’ll be prepared.

The Art of Receiving

Vixen recently wrote about the pleasures in giving...oral sex, I mean. But while we talk frequently about blowjobs and our willingness (or lack thereof) to give them, we forget about the other side - what it means to receive and what's the deal with people who aren't willing to give to us?

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The Sex Toy Party! Details Here!

It was 75 degrees outside and I’d just played in two recreation football playoff games where I scored a touchdown and caught another 20-yard pass that led to a touchdown, but all I could think about was the sex toy party I was invited to later that day. Would I have fun? Was it worth the energy? What products would I see that I haven’t seen before? I was about to find out.

I drove literally through the woods and across a lake to bring you details from the sex toy party I’d been eagerly anticipating. Good thing I could put my convertible to good use, probably for the last time this year, and enjoy the ride. Mapquest sucks, so when I arrived, the ladies were already onto their second drinks and Stephanie Taylor, the doyenne of Slumber Parties By Steph, had already begun the break-the-ice exercises. She had all the guests list household chores they hated, then pass the lists to the person next to them. Then, she read aloud the answers, but matched to a different question: “I hate sex because…” The answers were then hilarious! “Because its disgusting,” and “because its too small,” drew the biggest laughs.

She gave a key for our reference: anything for anal sex she’d refer to as for the “back door,” anything for vaginal sex she’d refer to as for the “front door,” and anything for clitoral stimulation (my personal favorite), she’d refer to as for the “doorbell.” Now, isn’t that cute? Then Stephanie began the show.

The beginning was harmless enough. When we were passed the naked playing cards, someone asked, “Do these come in Pinochle cards?” We wondered aloud if it took all night to finish a game of Poker for Lovers. The chocolate soy body massage candle smelled delicious, and about the love swing the hostess pointed out that, “This is one hook your husband won’t complain about installing around the house!” We all cracked up, but this stuff was just your basic innocent fare.

Next we got to sample all the jams and jellies that promise to enhance sex in some pretty odd and amazing ways. There was nipple-warming cream (Steph says she’s working on a beer flavor), and an anal analgesic that also works on bee stings! There was a cream called Like a Virgin that can make you tighter and works for up to 24 hours! We tried something called Good Head (I can’t make this stuff up!) that actually suppresses the gag reflex for non-stop oral favors and Just Like Me, which is a 24-hour lubricant that will actually dry inside you, but activate when you’re aroused again. Wow.

Next came the toy store portion of the program. Stephanie calls them “bedroom accessories.” There was the “7th Heaven” for beginners, which was pretty basic but has 7 different types of vibrations. We saw the G-Wiz, designed by a female doctor specifically for finding the G spot. And we saw the Krystal Wabbit, the Butterfly and the Hummer, which are all pretty advanced and high-tech what with bullets, rotating beads, escalation and ticklers!

So, it was a great party and I had fun, but I must say that the highlight of this shindig was at halftime, when Stephanie asked for 2 volunteers before she showed toys, but didn’t say why. Turns out she gave two women two different q-tips dipped in arousal balm, one cool, one warm, and instructed them to “grease their doorbells.” Yowee!

So, here’s a tip: Attend a Slumber Parties by Steph Party! But don’t, DO NOT volunteer for anything at these parties if you’re not prepared to be completely turned on!

Blowjobs Are Not Icky

One of my favorite bloggettes, Vix at Overeducated Nympho wrote an excellent article that completely negates every single excuse that women have regarding giving blowjobs. She took every single one of the fourteen excuses that women have been known to issue in the past regarding blowjobs and decimated them one by one in her witty and refreshing outlook.

Here's an excerpt from her piece:

  • There is so much hair. Yes, an excellent point. But more and more guys are trimming or even completely shaving that area, so there’s a much lower frequency of pubic flossing than there was five years ago. I have found that it’s fairly easy to talk a guy into trimming if you do yourself already. And if he does it once he’ll see how huuuge his penis looks without all the hair. (The most master-minded of optical illusions.)
  • It’s so funny looking. Eh well yeah. But they’re ALL funny-lookin’ so get over it. We girls are just as funny-lookin’ down there. We have folds and ins and outs and stuff. Golly gee whiz holy moly it’s amazing any of us ever look at each other naked. Oh, right. Hormones or pheromones or some shit. And then there’s the occasional weirdo like me who likes looking at hairy ugly funny-lookin’ things that are waving at me. What?? They’re fun to play with.
  • I don’t like to see guys naked. Um, there may be a much bigger problem at work here. One is that you’re just not very sexual at all, and I fancy you don’t much like seeing yourself naked either, or you should wait a few more days until I write the post called “How to Go Down on a Woman.” Just sayin’. Either way, both matters are way bigger than my little blog.
  • Blowjobs are degrading. No they’re not. Sweetie, you’re the one who’s got him by the balls, I think it’s obvious who’s in charge here.

Ok now that I've whetted your appetite, go read the article in its entirety HERE. Right now!

What are some excuses that you've come across not mentioned here that women/men give for not liking to give oral pleasure to their partners? Do you think it's because we as humans are by nature a selfish entity?

Joining the Harem

Definition: A harem is a group of women that provide sexual favors for One man. Usually the number of females in a harem is 2 or more. This could be knowingly/unknowingly on the females part. A modern day harem includes any woman that is his mistress, the lover on the side, the booty call, the ex, the baby mama, the wifey, the friends with benefit and any other lady who sleeps with this guy.

Now culturally or religiously, if a harem is something that your heritage and tradition accepts, then bear in mind that this is not knocking you.

However, I refuse to be part of a harem. Why? Because I'm utterly selfish. See, I want my man all to myself, I want all his attention, all his affection, all his devotion, all his sexual prowess, all his everything... and I don't share period.

Sometimes, the sucky part is that you might not even know that you are part of a harem. He might be one of those guys that has a girl in every zip code, a dame in every city--one of those guys that being a consummate liar/player is second nature to him. He might be able to pull the wool over your eyes for a hot second, but eventually, you sixth sense is going to start screaming that something is awry.
 

Continue reading "Joining the Harem" »

The Handsome Stranger

One thing that fascinates me about being 36 years old is that I’m still having first-time experiences.

My ex-boyfriend Dan gave me my first experience with someone utterly mentally flawed. I didn’t need the Ph.D. in psychology to understand that he was/is a repressed, anal-retentive, obsessive-compulsive, cheap, asexual momma’s boy. And when I finally realized that the situation wouldn’t ever get any better, I had absolutely no feeling about walking away. That was a first. A fling I had after that was my first experience with someone more than ten years my junior. Shortly afterward, I met a man with three children. What a completely forgettable human being he was, but his kids were delightful and precious, and needed a mother like nobody’s business. I got so attached and truly believed I could help them, which of course I couldn’t. I had a hell of a time prying myself away. Yet another scenario I hadn’t experienced: the handsome stranger.

Have you sat through this one?

Perhaps you met while on a business trip, at a dance club on vacation, over the internet. Whatever. You catch his eye. He introduces himself. There’s that “spark.” You laugh. You exchange numbers. “What harm can it do?” you ask yourself. You could always use a new friend, right? Networking takes on various forms. He leaves a message asking about your trip, then keeps asking about your days, your friends, your life. He tells you how beautiful you are and that there aren’t any women in his town like you.

He begins dropping hints about how nice it would be to have you come and visit. He sends pictures and asks for some pictures of you. The conversations turn romantic. He tells you he wanted you the second he first saw you. Details fly around about what he’d do to every inch of your body if he were there with you. You may return the favor. Your mind opens to the possibility of taking it to another level. Flirting is one thing, but maybe this could be something else. Maybe this can be something really strong; maybe it can be forever seeing that the long distance is the only obstacle. But what’s really making your heart pound? Is it that you feel something honest and authentic with this person, or is it that he’s a stranger, someone exotic to you who came out of left field?

And then you get the voice mail. “Hey. I just wanted to tell you that my friend from Atlanta is in town. She says she wants to give it another try. I need to at least see. You have been very nice to me. I’m so sorry.”

Sex With a Virgin

I had a post on my blog a couple of weeks ago in which I asked readers to send me their funniest sex stories. There were a few responses, however a couple of the stories stuck out to me that I just had to share with you all.

Here is an interesting yet hilarious excerpt from one of my favorite bloggers, The Mistress.

"I was still in college and was out on the town drinking with my girlfriends when this sexy man sits down next to me at the bar and struck up a conversation with me. He was so cute, it was ridiculous! We talked for two hours straight that night. To this day, it still stands out as one of the best conversations I've ever had with a guy. We exchanged phone numbers and the next day he called me to chat further. Well, we started talking about our past relationships, and then the subject of sex came up. Well imagine my utter shock when at 22 years old, this guy...this hot guy...revealed to me that he was a virgin. Can you believe that? I was stunned! I even made him verify what his definition of a virgin was (cause it varies with different people) and he said he has never even touched a vagina in his life! Nor had he gotten a hand job, blow job...no jobs of any kind! He claimed to be "saving himself for the right girl". Of course, being the little sexpot I am, I didn't even know what to say to that. I didn't know how to react to this dude at all. I just knew that I wasn't going to be the one taking his friggin' virginity! I can't even imagine sleeping with a virgin. I hate even the thought of it! I mean, I'd have to show him where the hole is, what to do, and then it would be over in 3 strokes! Do you know how much times it takes for a man to learn and acquire sexual stamina?  I have no interest in teaching a grown man how to have sex. He has to be armed with that knowledge before he gets his hands on me. I like men who are experienced and can show me some "sex tricks" ya know? I wouldn't even entertain the thought of sex with a virgin."

Sex with a guy virgin? That is something that I'll have to draw the line on. I would probably turn him down---mainly because I don't want him to get too attached! It was cool when we were younger and all mostly virgins, but now in our 20s/30s, breaking in a male virgin is not my cup of tea.

In this day and age, do you think it's a double standard to expect a guy to come into the boudoir armed with sufficient knowledge? Have you ever had sex with a guy virgin? Was it better than you expected?

Sex Camels

I don’t know if you guys remember this, but in the months preceding Angelina Jolie’s first lip lock with her Mr. Smith co-star, she was causing a stir over the fact that her life was a wee bit sexless. Jaws dropped as the news spread. How could this gorgeous babe voluntarily go without? How could any woman who exudes that much sex seemingly shun it? How could anyone who could have it all, at any time, with practically anyone, sex included, voluntarily turn into… a sex camel?!

For those few months Jolie was busy making “more of a saint than sinner” headlines, a number of my female friends and students were breathing a sigh of relief. Finally, they were not alone – and, not only that, Angelina had just made their long-term, voluntary bout with secondary abstinence hip and empowering! Suddenly, there was nothing wrong or taboo with deciding not to get a little sumpin’ sumpin’ and, instead, hold out for something more, and with someone special at that. Sex camels loved the fact that Jolie had just become the posterchild of women empowered enough to choose to refuse.

Now, few would fault Angie, or any gal for that matter, for trading in her abstinent ways for some action with heartthrob Brad Pitt. But given no star has stood at attention for a lack of such in her love life, since Jolie’s rendezvous with abstinence, a lot of women have, once again, been left wondering if they’re the only ones not seeing some action.

It seems that increasingly, at least in my social circle, more and more young, attractive, intelligent women (who aren’t virgins) are holding out on sex for extended periods of time. These sex camels have a number of reasons for this secondary abstinence, ranging from being picky about their partners to looking for love to being fed up with players to just wanting to focus on themselves...  With headlines always sensationalizing those having more sex or better sex, rarely does the media mention and reaffirm those who aren’t having sex, unless it involves a virginity pledge. Even the recently released National College Health Assessment Survey for 2005 gave us very little insight on who’s having sex and how much, simply confirming that college students aren’t as promiscuous as thought. (FYI, men and women both reported having had an average of 1-2 sexual partners in the last year.)

So given we no longer have Jolie under an affairs of the abstinent microscope, inquiring minds want to know: who is this sex camel woman? How does she cope with her sexless stint? What makes her so attractive to men and women alike? What or who will it take to break her sexless streak? And when she finally does, is she better about making sure it’s with protection? Is she likelier to use forms of protection that are meant to empower her, like the sponge, female condom, or line of Elexa condoms by Trojan?

These are questions to ponder as one of the most important dates of the calendar approaches. World AIDS Day is practically the only day of the year that makes it super cool to use a condom or other form of protection if you’re sexually active. It’s also a day that supports sex camels worldwide – because there are lots of them! I promise you.

National College Health Assessment 2005 Survey results:

http://www.acha.org/projects_programs/SEXF05.cfm

http://www.worldaidsday.org/default.asp

Sex Toy of the Month! The Vibrating Inchworm!

If you google “The History of the Vibrator,” an interesting story from Slate.com will pop up retelling the story from summer 2005 in South Carolina, where a suspicious package needed to be investigated, but turned out to be a vibrator. It was hilarious, especially since mail order is the only method of supplying sexy toys to many southern states, including our brilliant new Elexa vibrating rings. Then, the piece goes on to give a pictorial history of the vibrator, starting in the late 1880’s with “vulvular massage” techniques used to soothe the nerves of more “difficult” female psychiatry patients and alleviate the amount of time it took to bring a woman to climax by hand.

The tour makes stops in the early 20th century, through the 50s, where vibrators were sold in the Sears Roebuck catalog and looked curiously like vacuum cleaners. Hmmmm. But now, we’re having fun with our sex goodies and they no longer require clinical, mechanical names or need to look like medieval torture contraptions. Now, they’re sleek, pliable and waterproof and come with names like Rabbit, Rubba Ducky, Dolphin and my new cheeky favorite: the Inchworm.

I don’t own one of these (yet), but the concept is as cute as a button: its a six-inch or so green silicone toy, that is so soft, stretchy and expansive, it can and will lengthen and smooth out once it gets where its going, all the while gently pulsating and teasing until its victim can no longer stand it. Wow. But the thing I like the most about it is how harmless and non-sinister it looks and feels. It really does seem like a child’s bath toy.

No comment on how moms with young children would respond if their kids get a hold of it.

Good vibrations!

The Miseducation of An Ex-Boy Toy

While I was working late one night last week, I logged onto iChat just to see if anyone was around. Well, just so happened that a guy, a very young guy, that I spent a fun month with last summer was logged on too. We caught up for a few minutes, exchanged updates about work, friends and family and then, he filled me in on his new single status. After a while, he opened up to me that, for lack of a better way of putting it, I completely “turned him out.”

No, not like that. He was by no means a virgin when I had him. And he has absolutely zero gay tendencies. However, at 22 years old he had very little experience with a woman who knew her way around a man’s body like a woman of 34 years, as I was at the time, did. I gave him some pretty spectacular experiences and a few choice “firsts.”

He admitted to now having some very intense dominance/submission fantasies because of me. Really? Then he said he had done some research on a few anal toys, like vibrating balls and paddles, and plans to investigate this more, also because of me. Interesting. Well, I did give him that extended lap dance that night wearing my tallest heels and looking very Amazon-ish. If my not letting him touch me during that 20-minute episode could trigger his inner submissiveness, I’m more than happy to have helped. I gave him his first prostate massage as well, and you should have seen him respond! But I warned him he was about to have the orgasm of his life, so if he wants to play with his own prostate gland to try and recapture that pleasure, well then I’m two for two. “I always thought that it would be exciting and fun for a woman to take control, but few women seem to do it though,” he said. “Once I'd like to be helpless and out of control, a woman’s plaything for a change lol. I think you created a monster.”

Damn, I’m good.

Fetishmovies.com: Pay-Per-Minute Porn!

Along my more recent quests for sexy dirt and dirty sex, affordable shoes and the newest skinny jeans notwithstanding, I stumbled across something very interesting. Have you ever heard of online, adult, pay-per-minute movies? This sounds like quite the alternative to those seedy, windowless “adult” bookstores and that out-of-the-way porn section of the video store. This should be all the rage, right?

When I first saw the teaser cards for Fetishmovies.com while at the register of one of my local sex shops, I became curious. I thought it was a great thing. One of my early jobs as a teenager was at a local video store. The other girls and I used to relish late Saturday nights, because if we were stuck working instead of partying with our friends, well at least we could be entertained watching young men trickle in, as the store emptied and giggle at those sheepish looks on their faces as they tried to act like they weren’t headed into that tiny back room. And the capper was when someone came in you actually knew and whose sister or girlfriend or mom you actually knew! That was the best! Imagine never again needing to hang your head at the thought of renting porn or take that gulp and quick, sly peek around the store to see if anyone was watching. Porn has changed as the times have changed and its now more inexpensive, accessible and easily kept secret than ever before.

Fetishmovies.com is a site boasting more than 8,000 adult films by The Top Adult Studios, whatever that means. There are prepaid cards and the option to download for later viewing (read: sharing). It allows a viewer to watch a movie as many times as they want in two days (maximizing the jerk off potential). There are no membership obligations or billing schedules, meaning no paperwork gets mailed to your house.

Then it occurred to me that perhaps this isn’t such a good thing. Should porn freaks get off, no pun intended, so easily? Porn, the web type and otherwise, is cited as a factor in many separations and divorces these days, including the newly separated country singer Sara Evans, and there’s no doubt that this is a multi-billion-dollar business: a $57 billion-dollar business, in fact, according to WomanSavers.com (yes, WomanSavers.com, I could NOT make that up!). A quarter of all internet searches are porn-related and ten percent of adults ADMIT to being addicted to porn. How many just don’t admit it? Maybe being a little embarrassed is a good thing. Maybe porn enthusiasts need that conscience check, that little voice in their ear asking, “Should I really be doing this?”

Besides, if porn becomes too much of a routine thing, won’t you forget how to interact sexually with another human being?

The Sex Toy Party: The Date Is Set!

On September 20th I blogged about getting a tip about a woman in my area who throws sex toy parties for women who want an alternative to waxy, yawn-inducing candle parties. I’m still not a firm believer, but it sounds like fun and the investigative reporter in me must go. So, I signed up.

Her name is Stephanie Taylor, a single mom from Bensalem, PA and she’s a contractor for a company called slumberparties.com. “Its sort of like what you’d find at a Home Interiors or The Pampered Chef parties, but a lot more fun. Our products include everything from lingerie, lotions, creams, toys, books…the works. We pass everything around. We have a really good time – you’ll be cracking up the whole time,” Taylor says.

She’s been doing these parties for more than two years. She got started harmlessly enough: she was invited to a party and had a great time. Then, she hosted her own party and the ball started rolling. She was in college getting a Public Relations degree and decided to supplement her income. A contact gave her the information to set herself up as a contractor and she’s been throwing parties ever since. In fact, the money is so great doing this, says Taylor, that in no time, she was making more part-time, than in her full-time career. “This business has doubled in the length of time that I’ve been with it,” Taylor says. “I have a team of girls that work under me. And there are more than 10,000 employees in my company alone.”

But during a Slumber Parties by Steph party, the hostess, you, gets assigned one special party sales rep that makes sure you and your guests sample and sniff loads of fun stuff! The hostess receives many, many free goodies, gift certificates, a veritable sex den shopping spree. There’s even confidential ordering for those women, shy types (read: not me), who need to replace their vibrating clitoris stimulators in private.

The date of my party is November 7th in Philadelphia.

So, what would you like me to test out? Vixen wants some market analysis on The Dolphin vs. The Rabbit. Send me your requests. I’ll see what I can do.

Stay tuned.

What Should You Look For In A Sex Shop?

I stopped to visit the friend of a friend recently, now that she started a new job. She’s a former receptionist who now worked in a sex shop. As she and my friend talked, I perused the store, where I expected to find the usual vibrators and whips, but in this store, called Passional, I found so much more.

Kali Morgan, from Philadelphia, is a former artist who opened the store 10 years ago because she always liked the products she ended up selling. Not only does she offer all the latest gadgetry, I found great sexy cards and stationery, erotic fiction of all types and really great fashion: everything from traditional lace-up corsets to tight rubber dresses and those really tall, glass-bottomed platform stripper heels.

Cue French maid fantasy…

But that’s not all. I was especially impressed by the magazine she publishes, Passional Magazine, and intrigued by the sex classes she offers. That’s right. Sex classes! It was then very clear that this store and its owner want to appeal to everybody seeking to learn more and explore their sexuality, not just those interested in very alternative and kinky sex play. “Dress for ‘Sexcess’: Fashion As Sex Toys,” for example, gets couples to open up about what turns them on. “Its basically two hours of party games and true confessions about what couples really want to look at or what really makes them feel sexy,” says Morgan.

The couples taking this class must also feel comfortable swapping underwear. “Men always secretly like to cross dress. Its pretty common. Sometimes there are competitions about who can go the farthest ‘out there,’ says Morgan. Passional hosts classes every Friday as part of their sex education program. Sometimes Morgan teaches, sometimes she brings presenters in to teach.

…And I seriously doubt the people frequenting these sex “seminars” are the types to ask if their butts look big in their jeans. They are confidence personified and probably take their “education” seriously. There are classes on sadism, pole dancing and sensory deprivation.

Holy Blindfold Batman!

So isn’t this what we should expect from a sex shop? Toys and trinkets have their place, and sexy message cards to swap for the usual yawn-inducing Hallmark fare can be commended. However, a sexy store where we can learn a little about ourselves, maybe join a group or two and leave with greater ammunition in our arsenal, well, that’s a sex shop!

Check out some other Passional class descriptions here.

The Vibrating Ring

I tried the Vibrating Ring last night. WOW. It was freakin' amazing! Have you ever wondered what it would feel like to have the Rabbit attached to your lover? Well, Elexa has solved the problem for you. You have got to try this! It's like having sex and masturbating at the same time. This is one sex toy that you can easily introduce into your routine with ease and it won't totally turn him off. It comes in a condom box...how scary can that be?

The ring is placed on the base of the guys penis before sex and then he gets in you. It's pre-packed with a condom...so you can be safe at the same time. There's a tiny knob on the side that you push in to get it to start vibrating and comes pre-installed with a battery. It vibrates for up to 20 minutes (for some reason mine worked for waaaaay longer), massaging your clitoris while he's in you.

The buzz is not too abrasive or too stimulating---it's soft almost like hummingbird wings. He's moving at the same time so that reduces the constant friction. It  has the possibility of giving you at least 2 orgasms in a row (or more!).

My only complaint would be that the knob is tiny and there's really no way to shut it off once you start having sex without breaking the rhythm of things. In addition, you might not want to use it on a guy that has premature ejaculation...it might cause him to be even more premature than he is.

If you haven't tried it, definitely give it a go! It was so cool that I can't wait to break out my second box...and will be stocking up on more after that.

Have you tried the Vibrating Ring yet? If so, what did you think?

Mars vs. Venus: The Debate Continues!

The Washington Post recently reported a story about how a study from McGill University in Montreal is challenging the accepted vernacular of the last 10 years about how women are sexually and emotionally oriented differently then men. Yes, I’m referring to that Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus junk that polarized us and put us into very tight, uncomfortable (for me) categories like a straight jacket. So, now that I have a platform, I can’t resist posting my thoughts.

The study, conducted by Irv Binik, psychology professor and director of the Sex and Couple Therapy Service at Royal Victoria Hospital serves to confront that age-old standard, the one that maintains that women take longer to become sexually aroused than men or may not want it as much. Total nonsense. Binik had men and women watch some skin flicks and then tested them for arousal with thermographic cameras. Binik discovered that both men and women became aroused within 30 seconds. Take that! Men reached maximum arousal in about 10 minutes (women in about 12), but what’s two minutes when we’re well on our way to maximum thigh warmth and nipple hardness? Binik’s even quoted saying, “There is no difference in the amount of time it takes healthy young men and women to reach peak arousal."

Now will everybody just shut up??

I believe we need to think hard about how much these cultural and societal norms affect how we see ourselves sexually and definitely encourage our behavior toward “acceptable” standards. We all know it ain’t biological! Books like Men Are From Mars… and The Rules give women an excuse to be passive when we should take control of our relationships, our sex lives and our sexual health. We don’t need a study to tell us that we want sex just as much and as badly as men and that we get just as aroused and in just as short a period of time, do we?

Of course we don’t.

We need to realize how dangerous this is. The same passivity that leads women (and men) to believe that a woman’s place is in the home is the same passivity that leads to women being less educated, making less money, being the one who works a full day AND does hours and hours of housework when she comes home, that makes women irresponsible about their sex lives and likely to remain in romantic and sexual situations that are unhealthy. See the connection? We need to acknowledge this and work to combat it.

Coquettish games are a thing of the past and the coyness about sex and the power of female sexuality is quickly becoming obsolete out of dire necessity. When we’ve become a society where women contract an STD at twice the rate as men, we should expect nothing less. Leave the passive/aggressive game in the bedroom because that’s the only place that its acceptable. Who has a whip?

Findings from the Binik study are expected to be published in the January edition of the Journal of Sexual Medicine.

Buy A Box, Give A Box! Let’s Get Everyone Involved!

I got a new client a couple of weeks ago. I’m the city coordinator for a national pilot campaign to increase the number of African-American women who get tested for HIV. During the training for this new post I was bombarded with facts and stats about how grim it is for all women, especially Black women, what with so many still not educated enough about STDs or still too reticent to take complete control of their sexual health. Elexa by Trojan is doing their part.

Until December, buying a box of Elexa condoms will result in a donation of a box of those condoms to a women’s group by Gifts in Kind, a well-respected product grant maker. This is tremendous in making sure condoms are readily available to women and in reducing the stigma around seeking out, buying and using condoms every time we have sex. Its the least we, who have more knowledge and more accessibility, can do for those who may not. But that’s not all we can do.

In my new post for the pilot HIV testing program, I’ll be visiting whoever I can in the Philadelphia area who can be partners with me to get more Philly women tested. I’ll be visiting Temple University, Philadelphia’s largest, which is in the bottom 20 on Trojan’s Sexual Health Report Card. I’ll be talking to many women and women’s groups in the city who fit the demographic: Black women between 18 and 34 who are in or are seeking monogamous relationships with men. What else can I do? The same thing you can do…

Among my friends, I’m always the one who knows the most about the newest STD on the scene or a different mutation of the same old ones. I’m always the one who has the correct information on everything concerning women’s issues, everything from sex toys to toxic shock syndrome to genital mutilation. Ask me anything. Really, ASK! And that’s what I challenge all my readers to do. Ask questions. Let’s get involved. No matter where you live or what your personal opinion, there’s something you can do to increase the number of women you know who are better informed and in control of their sexual health. Let’s band together. Let’s volunteer at our local health clinics. Let’s get sex toy manufacturers to include a condom in every package. Let’s buy a box of condoms and offer them for guests on our coffee tables instead of candy or fruit. We can make the difference. Ask me anything!

You can find out more about the Buy A Box, Give A Box campaign at Elexa Sexy Smart.
Givea_box_logo_final_2

Let's Talk About Sex...to Anyone Who Will Listen

Did you know that October is Let's Talk month? Technically, it is designed to encourage parents to talk to their children and teens about sex (which you know I wholeheartedly support and write about quite frequently). But I feel like we can reinterpret this to fit any of our individual needs.

Continue reading "Let's Talk About Sex...to Anyone Who Will Listen" »

If Women Are Twice As Likely to Get an STD as a Man…

...then why are women not buying and carrying a condom?

I write and talk about sex with women, A LOT.  And it always surprises me how few women are sexually assertive enough to carry their own condoms.  I mean, these are modern women living in the 21st century, buying their own cars, homes, but not a device that will protect their sexual health?  It’s baffling.  15.3 million people are infected with STDs each year and 65 million people have an incurable STD, so hello, it’s time for us all to get “SexySmart”. Being SexySmart means being responsible about your sexual health and enjoying a more intimate and pleasurable sexual experience on your own terms.  As women are twice as likely as men to contract a STD, the makers of Trojan products want women to protect themselves and help protect others and have announced a new program to do just that.  This program is the “Campaign for SexySmart” and beginning in October, when anyone buys a box of Elexa condoms, the makers of Trojan will give a box to women’s shelters and clinics.  Why is this program so great?  Because no woman can afford to go uninformed and unprotected. 

So you ask, how does the “Campaign for SexySmart” work?  For every box of Elexa condoms purchased from now until December, the makers of Trojan  will donate a box of Elexa condoms to Gifts In Kind - a minimum of 1 million condoms – to help protect women in need. Gifts in Kind, the leader in the field of product philanthropy, will distribute these condoms to women across the United States who are at risk of STDs and unintended pregnancy and who may not have access to or the means for which to buy condoms.  It’s easy as that.  You buy a box, and they’ll take care of “giving” it for you.  So what do you think about that ladies (or guys)?  Is it time for you to get SexySmart?

Vibrating Panties on the Greg Behrendt Show!

Should fashion really be used as sex toys? Last week on The Greg Behrendt Show, a new daytime relationship talk show airing nationwide, Greg, who penned the women’s must-read He’s Just Not That Into You, interviewed a “sexpert” who arrived with a trunk full of the latest sex goodies in tow. Beside all the obligatory lotions and potions was something very interesting, something that could spark a huge sexual trend, if used with just the perfect amount of slyness and naughtiness: vibrating panties.

I love to use Elexa's relatively new vibrating rings. They’re efficient, effective and just interactive enough where your man won’t feel banished to the ranks of mere spectator. But vibrating panties? This takes the idea of interactive sex play one step further. Forget about the issue of the toy taking the place of real skill in your man’s repertoire, but what of the notion of being able to (literally) turn a woman on and off, with the touch of a switch?

Here’s how it works: a small transmitter is sewn into the fabric of the panty’s crotch, which you could feel on its own, but then can be further activated by electrical charge when a second party (your partner) presses a button on a remote control device up to 20 feet away. And the extras include both an acceleration button and a “circling” button. WHAT??? You mean I can be standing in the kitchen getting my freak on, at my man’s urgency, while he’s on a conference call in the home office?

What’s happening to us? We already don’t get up to turn the television channel, we don’t use a key to get into the car anymore and remote vacuums are cleaning our carpets. Those are mundane things that we should be happy to automate so we can have more sex! Now sex is by remote control??

But its not my place to judge how people have their freaky fun. Perhaps a deal can be brokered between ESPN and the manufacturers of these fun pants. At least non-sport wives and girlfriends would have something to do before half-time.

What Would You Do?

Would you sleep with a man who refused a condom? A reader talks about her struggles with her boyfriend...

Continue reading "What Would You Do?" »

Compete Your Way to Better Sex

I love to bicker. Yes, it's true. Whether it's a political debate or a little he said, she said banter, I have to say, it really gets me going.

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The Many Benefits of Sexercise

A popular question I get asked by lots of women is what the real deal is on sexercise – can it really help gals to get in shape? And while a roll in the hay can result in a luscious lover burning 100-150 calories, the true benefits of sexercise don’t lie in whether or not you can work up a good sweat, but in how it can boost the way you feel about yourself.  After all, getting in shape, whether in the sack or at the gym, can make you feel more attractive, increase your self-esteem, and ultimately charge your sex life even more!  Feeling energized and confident, and, in turn, more sexually attractive, are all factors that contribute to your sexual vitality, desire and satisfaction.  And of course, once you feel super sexy, others see you that way too. 

In general, being physically fit makes for better sex in that your libido and sexual functioning are primed for action. When you exercise, endorphins - mood-elevating compounds - are released, creating the deep relaxation needed for amazing sex.  Even better, these endorphins also help minimize pre-menstrual syndrome (PMS), menstrual cramps, and the discomforts of menopause in women, making for a hotter love life.

As long as it’s regular and moderate, almost any type of exercise, sexercise included, improves sex.   This is because our nervous and cardiovascular systems, which are utilized when we workout, contribute to our sexual functioning.  A healthy nervous system is what helps you to enjoy all sorts of erotic stimulation, e.g., your lover’s scent.  It does this partly through the release of certain hormones, with a relaxed body being more sexually responsive to arousal.  Your nervous system is also what increases blood flow to your genitals when stimulated by relaxing the smooth muscle tissues of the pudendal arteries, which carry blood flow to the genitals.  The result: you experience more sexual excitement and vaginal lubrication. 

A healthy cardiovascular system also results in better bodily response to your sexual wants, including your sex drive.  A healthy heart and blood vessels allow for improved blood flow throughout your entire body, filling your tissues, genitals included, with rich oxygen. 

While you can benefit from practically any kind of exercise, being able to have sex for better sex and a more shapely body is definitely a great way to go for many, partners willing.  For the best results, adorn his pride and joy with a Trojan Elexa condom before climbing on top of him for the ride of his life.  A little bit of rodeo action on a regular basis should definitely help to keep you, and your relationship, in shape.

A Whirlwind Saturday: The Ultimate Sex Rush!

Let me tell you about last Saturday! This day will go down in my history as one of the Top 10 All Time Best Kellie Days!

I usually take the weekend to just chill. If I have to do much more than go outside to retrieve the mail, I will be upset about it. Because of my work and the networking events I attend – and there’s always two or three to attend during the week – I use my weekends to recoup, relax and regenerate. But last Saturday was a little different, and I never once complained about it.

My boyfriend had a stereo installed in my car. He got it for my birthday. I was so surprised and excited. Music moves me in a way nothing else does and just the idea of more bass and treble made me want to sing. We went from Best Buy to our Saturday afternoon football game for the Philadelphia Sport & Social Club league (I can’t believe I let him talk me into that!). I played the entire game and we won! Winning is such a turn-on! I was high for the rest of the day. A quick nap and car pick-up found us at a trendy Olde City Philadelphia Spanish tapas restaurant for some of the best food we’d had since we met. Neither of us had ever been there and mingling with the city’s beautiful people is always sexy and fun. The weather was breezy, the sidewalks were crammed and the spices and sangria had us feeling content and stimulated. We topped the night off with some good old-fashioned city street racing (more on this next week), which heightened every sense – senses that were highly piqued before we even arrived. Whew!

Well, needless to say, we were in no mood for sleeping when we got back home just after 2:00 a.m. Yes, I love to chill on my weekends but the occasional whirlwind Saturday can throw a nice monkey wrench, a sexy monkey wrench, into my plans!

NEWSFLASH! Elexa by Trojan™ Condoms Are BIGGER Than Magnum!

Ever see the box for the Trojan™ Magnum condom? Dark and no-nonsense, masculine and straightforward, they’re obviously an alternative to the fun and games candy-colored concoctions being passed around at parties and in dorms. No-frills Magnums are for those guys not interested in cutesy gimmicks and, yes, for another reason: Magnum’s are larger condoms for LARGER guys. After all, being with a very well-endowed man is serious business!

I remember all those late nights giggling with other girls about how big, how wide, how long and how smooth, but it would be years before I was with a guy who was an actual member of the Magnum club. Lo and behold, my current boyfriend and love of my life, is a card-carrying member! Yay me!

When I began this blog, he was so excited. I thought he was simply excited for me as I’ve wanted a platform for either a sex or a fitness column for some time. But he was beside himself for another reason: he wanted me to blog about him! Now most men would run or the hills at the thought of their girlfriend divulging intimate secrets of their sex life together or, God forbid, relive sexual events from seasons past, pre-him. But not my man. He keeps asking, “When will you blog about me?”

So here goes: my boyfriend sings a ringing endorsement of Elexa by Trojan™ condoms. He loves that they smell normal, not so annoyingly like latex. He loves that they’re comfortable, very comfortable, which somehow surprised him. But the piece de resistance is that, in his words, “I think these condoms are even bigger than Magnums!” He was like a kid on Christmas tearing through each new wrapper for each of the three Elexa condom types: stimulating, ultra-sensitive and natural feel (his favorite is natural feel). He was so curious and wide-eyed. It was like we’d discovered the latest sex toy and couldn’t wait to try it out, not simply doing the routine prep work before going to work. He never complained once about the pastel-colored boxes nor the presumption that they must only be for women. Now, in fact, he doesn’t want to use anything else!

Now how’s THAT for a ringing male endorsement?

Kellie’s Going Undercover (At a Local Sex Toy Party)!

I’d been hearing about them for a while. These private parties run identically to Tupperware or candle parties, except these parties feature the latest designer vibrators, lubricants and other aids to erotica. Whatever. Anything to make money, right?

I read about it most recently in a Women’s Health article. Scads of women across the country, some single, some not, are clamoring to attend these soirees and snatch up the latest and hottest cinnamon-flavored penis hardener or magic, silk tickler. But it all seemed very contrived and cheesy to me. Call me a cynic, but after a glass of wine and a few obligatory “oohs” and “ahhs,” the thrill would probably be gone.

But now I’m an Elexa Sexy Smart blogger, which means its become my job, duty and obligation to put in some hard core research and sniff all the jams and jellies I can sniff to bring the most up-to-date and accurate information directly to my posts and to my readers. Man, the things I go through for you guys! Just so happened, not long ago, a journalist friend of mine forwarded me the number of a woman in my area who hosts these same types of parties. I came across it today. So I’ll sign up and go.

Undercover will be fun. The role of investigative reporter suits me so I’ll be poking, prodding and sniffing. I’ll also be making comparisons to what’s already in the stores and making sure all these products pass all safety and usability tests.

If you guys have any questions or requests, send them to me here. I’ll be your voice at this party!

Condoms as Fashion Statement?

Remember Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes, the quirky, outspoken member of R&B/pop group TLC? Well, at the group’s inception, she had a habit of wearing huge glasses onstage with a brightly colored condom taped to one of the lenses. She looked ridiculous, but she made a great point.

Young people have always been notoriously reticent about buying condoms and displaying them prominently. In some stores, the condoms are kept only behind the counter because they’d suddenly grow feet if kept anywhere else in the store. Why? I suppose so kids won’t have to be seen at the register with them.

I propose an easy solution to this problem. Let’s get Trojan and Elexa by Trojan to fashion a line of condom holders, akin to the cell phone cozy, to help those in need of camouflaging their latex protection stay on the sly. I don’t get why a healthy, sexually active person needs to be on the down low, but I won’t begrudge them their privacy. I can see why someone with a moral, cultural or religious issue would need to keep the secret. In a recent Reuters article by Natalie Armstrong, 30,000 plus pins and brooches were made from condoms during the International AIDS Conference in Toronto. The goal of “The Condom Project” is to help de-stigmatize the use of condoms throughout the world, especially in high-risk regions like Africa. But don’t think we don’t still have huge issues with the condom stigma here in America.

I can think of things that should be hidden. Who has one of those pink plastic tampon holders? I do. That’s understandable. Nobody needs to know all my monthly business. Remember that episode of The Facts of Life, when Blair found a marijuana joint hiding in a lipstick tube that was really a sneaky secret drug compartment?? Fine, hide the weed. It is illegal. But condoms? Why not be proud of practicing safer sex?

Okay, okay. Still want to keep it secret? Fine. Let’s get you that condom cozy.

From Om to Oh! Do Yoga. Then, Do Him!

Yep, I’m a yoga nut. I’ll sing its praises to anyone. I’ve been practicing for about five years, but it took a while to make me a true believer. My sex life thanks me too.

I’m an athlete from way back, not a prissy cheerleader or gymnast, an A-T-H-L-E-T-E! I believe in sweat. I believe in soreness. I believe in not asking a man to twist open any jars for me: I’m for doing it myself, even if it breaks my hand. I once played in a summer-league basketball game so delirious from the heat I didn’t even know my name, and I was sick for a week afterward, but I never asked to sit on the bench. So convincing me to try yoga was no easy feat. I can’t knock nobody into next week while in a downward-facing-dog pose! I thought it was some trendy gimmick that would fade from our collective consciousness as soon as Madonna’s last tour ended. But then it got serious. And so I tried it. I was in love! But yoga and I could have sped through the courtship phase if I’d only known how much it would do for my libido!

Not only did I sweat in big bunches, and feel soreness I never thought possible, my workouts got better and better. I now know that chaturanga pose is what has strengthened my lower back when lifting weights wasn’t working, that pigeon pose opens the hips and releases bad energy and that I’m generally more relaxed because, among other things, yoga has taught me how to breathe more efficiently. AND…I have consistent and more intense orgasms.

Yes, I went there.

Its well documented, to us workout nuts anyway, that yoga and Pilates strengthen our “core” muscles: abs, lower back, inner thighs and the pelvic floor. These pelvic floor muscles are foreign until identified and really put to use. This, along with the breathing and the relaxation, is what takes yoga from the studio into the bedroom. My most recent ex used to get so turned on when I told him that some contorted, animalistic position was actually a yogic pose that he couldn’t shut up about it. It became a cyclical thing. I wouldn’t miss a class. I’d be distracted during every practice either for reliving our last sex session in my mind or for trying to find a way to make the week’s new pose more sexual. And we weren’t the only ones who caught on. One of Amy Sohn’s Naked City columns a couple years ago for New York Magazine referenced yoga as not only a new sex craze, but also a place to hook up, because men had caught on to its sexual benefits.

It may never be a mainstream, aerobics-like workout option, but yoga studios should find a way to use these findings to help ramp up attendance. Every class will be packed!

Boy Toys Revenge: The Double Standard…Part 2

I pride myself on my common sense and focus. Precise, mind-like-a-steel-trap, professional, calculating, independent, these are all adjectives used to describe me. I can recall everything with pinpoint accuracy. I type everything into my PDA. Organized, driven, no-nonsense.

But I am human.

I’ve indeed slipped in the past. I’m sure it will happen again. Perhaps many more times before its all over. Like the off chance that I forget to mark something on my calendar, there were times that I lost my boy toy focus and tried to make a relationship out of a few iffy encounters over drinks and canoodling. That’s bad enough. But why does it always happen with the other type of boy toy, the type you don’t want to make mistakes with?

Boy Toy(s), noun: 2. That guy nobody else will have, not even on a dare. The stray puppy that no matter how perfectly you scratch behind his ear, will snarl at and bite you if you get too close. Devastatingly raw sex appeal, completely intellectually deficient, embarrassingly immature, uncanny ability to target your frailties, huge penis. See: damaged goods, slumming or selling self short.

Trouble is, the boy toy fantasy is always better than the reality. Strong women in the movies don’t have to give those awkward lectures about “wanting more” or “its just not working out and could we just leave it where it is?” In real life, we have some explaining to do. Ever want to leave on the understanding that it was just sex, only to have him not understand? Or worse, ever give your power totally away staying a little too long at the spring fling motel when check out time was so obviously long ago?

No discipline, lonely, embarrassed, drunk dialing in the ladies room, fixated, just once more, lose my number, headache, you ain’t the “happily-ever-after guy,” bored, I can’t ease your pain, hungry, guilty, live and learn, stalker, no orgasm is worth this, desperate, what did I ever see?, loser, move on, if you didn’t have that beautiful penis you’d have a bounty on your head.

I am human.

The Pleasure of Pleasuring (Orally, that is).

Have you heard of the Blowjob Wars? Yes, there is quite a debate going on in the Blogosphere about whether or not women actually enjoy giving blowjobs. And whether or not giving blowjobs is a slap in the face to feminists everywhere. Can you believe this?

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Boy Toys Revenge: The Double Standard…Part 1

Ever have a boy toy?

Boy Toy(s), noun: 1. That fun guy you just like to hang loose and have electrifying sex with but know nothing serious will ever happen because he’s 10 years younger/got an I.Q of 35/destined for prison. And that’s all right.

Sure you have.

Either it was a boy in high school or college that you can barely remember or something on the side while you were engaged to that nerdy, boring accountant with the nervous tic, or its somebody you’re with now, but you’ve had one. I’ve had them too.

Instant animal attraction, hot car, zero obligations, late-night rendezvous, passion, spontaneity, mystery, who cares if he’s uneducated, fun, fun, fun, blowjobs at the movies, never meeting the parents and if you do its all a huge joke, laughter, too many martini weeknights, irresistible pheromones still on the sheets on mornings after, breathless, hazy, perfect remedy for a horrible breakup, delicious kisses, no promises, hands through the hair, getting out of yourself, perfection.

It is an art. It takes practice. Sounds like I’m an expert, but I’ve never been particularly good at it. I have a reputation for being cool and standoffish that has nagged me since middle school, but damn if I can’t just do a hot boy and then throw him directly in the trash! I should be able to. I wish I could. I’m even willing to give up another cherished talent of the devil’s choice, to just once experience the feeling of freedom I suspect comes from having the focus to screw ‘em and be through with ‘em! I guess its akin to the envy some women feel toward those with thinner thighs or better public speaking skills, I envy the players.

I’ll probably never have the “perfect one-night-stand.” Guys have learned to love being sex objects and perhaps this is the issue. If they all wanted a girl to love and cherish them, to the very end, it may be easier to dump them immediately. My inner sadist can’t come through when deep down, I’m thinking the no-attachments arrangement is something he wants as much or more than I do. Chasing the bigger orgasm is fun unless he’s on his way to another woman’s house right after he leaves yours. Oh, well. It can be fun while it lasts.

Just don’t get too close…

Tech Toy Manifesto

My boyfriend hates to text message. He’ll ignore texts from his friends except in certain cases, (i.e., we’re out and someone needs directions to the club or party we’re all meeting at). He just thinks its stupid. I don’t mind this too much, but I think he’s missing out on another potentially passion-filled exercise that will spice up our sex life and bring us closer.

My last blog was about MySpace and how playing around on the internet is a good way to avoid getting serious. Today, I’ll explore the other side. Hey, I’m fair. I believe in toys. This blog is my ode to sex toys and to having fun and being confident in bed. Our modern technological inventions can certainly help with that.

Technology is great, its amazing in some respects, the way we can communicate with utter strangers, about anything, in a matter of seconds. We can work from home and with palm pilots, cell phones, laptops and wireless access, we can do it all without even hinting that we’re not hard at work in an office, but at the local coffee shop or on the beach. But, with all the ringing and buzzing, and with so many choices, it can also mitigate our ability to get to know each other and really connect too, hence my internet dating complaints.

What if you’re already serious with someone? Can technology help you come closer? I think its possible. We’ve all heard the horror stories of how internet porn has destroyed many a marriage and how pedophiles stalk young innocents who are none the wiser, but modern tech toys can also help nurture a relationship.

My man will sometimes send a sexy e-mail or two during the day. There’s nothing like the rush of being surprised with an “I want you so much” message when I was expecting the garden-variety “how’s your day” message. He hates text messages, but I’m trying to wean him on the occasional sexy text, you know, the “what are you wearing right now?” sort of thing. During a very busy day, a short, sweet, yet sexy text message may be just what the doctored ordered when you’re in back-to-back meetings or otherwise don’t have time to talk on the phone.

He’s an expert at film editing. What if I could get him to splice some film of 91/2 Weeks into a home movie of us doing it?

Hmmm, food for thought.

The Truth About MySpace

I finally got it. After years of trying to understand what the attraction to internet hook ups over face-to-face encounters was, I realized I needed to look at the “web-scoping” dynamic the same way I look at my vibrator: its just a toy.

Its no coincidence that now, four months after I met the man that I’ll most likely spend the rest of my life with, I can make sense of all those dating hassles that troubled me so and for so many years. I was just toying around. I may have fooled myself into believing that I’d meet the man of my dreams on CupidJunction.com, but honestly? I really wasn’t ready to stop playing.

First I tried Match.com. I thought the fact it was the most popular dating site at the time meant it was a credible place to meet the highest quality dating prospects. This is a joke. Although I know people who met by internet and later married, I think blind luck is the catalyst for the more successful dot com relationships; the more serious the relationship, the dumber the luck. I envied people who stepped into this luck, but I never saw that happening to me. I was too busy weighing options and clicking my way to one exciting hook up after another. It was fun.

MySpace is the worst and the best example of this theory. During the past year MySpace was anointed the most popular website in the country. I guess a lot of us want to play around. And what shaped my particular opinion is the fact that I became a member for other reasons than to scope and play.

I left my full-time job and started my writing and consulting business about a year ago. I created a MySpace page a few months prior to see if it would be a good place to network, find interesting subjects for articles and meet clients. It was! I connected to so many folks in the media business, people that I wouldn’t otherwise have known of, and it indeed led to much work, party invitations and paychecks. But damn if I didn’t need to weed out several messages every day from guys applying the A.B.C. rule of sales to scoping: Always Be Closing. It didn’t matter to them that my profile didn’t include any bikini shots or the not-so-subtle pleas for “a nice guy,” they saw an attractive woman and gave it a try.

So I started asking around. I studied the sites of guys casting their lines out to me when I make it clear that I’m swimming in a different pond. They seem to spend several hours a day on MySpace, put much energy into improving their total “friends” count and send the same comments to the every woman. Women are doing the same.

Isn’t this the same energy we put into emailing, pix and text messaging and music downloading? We do love our toys don’t we?

Asking the Right Questions About Sex

The highly intelligent Dr. Annie from Smart at Love has a really important post on her blog this week. She asked 200 respondants to take a survey on her website and in it found out that only half of them actually ask the truly important questions about sexual health before getting intimate with your partner. Instead, we waste our time asking trivial questions, like  "Do these jeans make me look fat?", "Is she hotter than me?" and  "Would you ever sleep with my best friend?"

Why do we prioritize superficial aspects first and our sexual health last? Is it because we are shy? Is it because we don't want to truthfully examine our own past behaviors? Is it because we are so hot for him that regardless of what he says we will sleep with him anyway? There could be several reasons for this trend, but in this day and age---they are all excuses. We've got to ask the hard questions. Even if it might be a mood-killer, it opens the channels of communication and keeps you safe. It's better to know what you might be dealing with sooner rather than later. Knowledge is power. Stay safe. Stay smart. Ask!

Before engaging in any sexual encounter with a member of the opposite sex, it's very important to ask the crucial sex questions. No hanky panky until your questions have been answered to your satisfaction. You are the one in charge of your sexual well-being, so don't balk at this. Annie enumerates these questions on her site.

  • Are you married?
  • Are you sleeping with other people?
  • Are you already involved with someone else?
  • Do you use condoms? What percentage of the time?
  • Do you use any drugs?
  • Do you have an STD? Have you ever had an STD? If so what and were you treated for it?
  • Have you been tested for HIV/AIDS? When was your last test?

Read the rest of Dr. Annie's article HERE.

More Music and Sex

Music and Sex has been a hot topic this month, both here at ElexaSexySmart.com and in the national Media.  Fellow blogger, Kellie Murphy wrote about it in her article What’s your favorite Sexy Song? and Logan Levkoff referenced a new study from the Journal “Pediatrics” in her post Dirty and Degrading Lyrics Increase Teen Sex questioning our intolerance to certain song lyrics.

Last week I was quoted in an AP article about this same very study.  http://msnbc.msn.com/id/14227775/

As is usually the case for experts, a lot of points I made in the interview didn't make it to print so I’ll post them here.  One of the major points I was trying to make is that parents have a much greater influence on their teens than the music does, for example, simply by spending more time with them than the boob tube.

All too often, everybody is looking to blame everything/everybody else besides the parents when it comes to unfavorable activities their kids are up to. A collective responsibility of the teens, music, parents, media, and community is being completely overlooked in making these findings in any way useful as well.

Futhermore, music's role (videos included) in teaching young people about sexual coercion wasn't discussed in the AP article, yet certainly it would seem to be a component in the fact that these lyrics are degrading, reinforce negative gender stereotypes, and promote male machoism.

Courtney Harding dissects the study over at the Huffington Post, saying “There probably is some link between listening to music that constantly alludes to sex and actually doing it, just as there is probably a link between sex and how much TV a teenager watches, how much time they spend on MySpace, and whether or not they spend their lunchtimes practicing cheerleading or playing Magic: The Gathering.”

So let’s continue the conversation about this.  What do you think?  Is music violating our sexuality? Are teens making unwise sexual decisions and putting themselves at risk for pregnancy and STDs because of their music habits? What positives can music lyrics bring to us so we can learn something about our sexuality?

The Pleasure of Condoms

So it seems that people are finally realizing that safe sex can be pleasurable. Wow, are we on to something or what? (total sarcasm here). "Making safer sex sexy" seems to be the latest wave in sexuality education. And thank goodness! What have we been waiting for?

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Great Weather Rocks My World!

The thing about sex and sexual stimulation is that anything can be a great igniter and the same thing, or a variation of the same thing, can be just as much of a mood-killer. Take great music: your song is the greatest thing since sliced bread, but if your man doesn’t particularly care for British drum-N-bass in the bedroom, you’re in a little trouble until you decide on something you both like. Take too long to mutually agree and, whoops, there it went! We’ll try again tomorrow night.

Its the same with summer weather. Nobody can wait until the weather breaks. Guys look forward to seeing us with our bare legs in our shorter skirts and high-heeled sandals. We girls love the shirtless fellas on the basketball court and cruising with their tops down. But when its too hot? OMG! Get away from me! It ain’t happening! Try again when I’m not about to pass out!

The past couple of weeks had been unbearable, sweltering, and its no surprise I had the sex drive of a snapping turtle. The women in my family cannot handle excess heat and I’m no exception: 10 minutes in the heat and I turn into a dishrag. But then it broke. Late last Saturday night, while out scouting a story on street racing, I marveled at how cool and gorgeous it was outside, and consequently, how much more sexual I felt. The high-speed atmosphere, the sound of revving engines and the testosterone in the air surely helped, but the cooler, delicious breeze and clearer air were the true catalysts.

Don’t believe me? Try a flowing, linen skirt with no panties on a breezy, 75-degree summer night just after a wax. Wow! Try it this weekend!

One Night Stand Rules

I've been reading a blog by a new Singleton who has been trying to have a one night stand for what seems like forever in her eyes. For one reason or another, the guys (5 at the last count) have all eliminated themselves from the running. This isn't because of any lack on her part, she's sexy, confident, intelligent and has her own place, but it's because the guys---have been caught slacking off in one way or another. What's up? I thought guys wanted to get picked up?

Don't take this the wrong way guys---but honestly, there are women out there who aren't all for a relationship. We aren't looking for you to instantly become a boyfriend. We just want a good shag session. Why is that so hard to find???

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Summer Lovin’ Wet Sex Style

When it’s hot outside, but being indoors with your honey simply won’t do, nothing beats submerging yourself in water in getting things extra wet and wild.  One of the most popular concerns people have about sex in any body of water, however, is whether or not using a condom works, if it’s needed at all.  So if getting tangled up in each other this summer involves taking to a swimming pool or the ocean, make sure you consider the following safer sex advice well in protecting yourself before diving in for some dog day lovin’.

While seemingly carefree, pool and ocean sex do make for riskier sex.  Pregnancy can happen any time semen is spilled in the vagina or near the vulva, even in water - so a condom, like Trojan’s Elexa Natural Feel condom, should be used.  Yet, note that water can seep between the condom and penis, causing slippage, as well as wash away any spermicide you might be relying on.  Other factors to be aware of: Chemicals, salt, and bacteria in the water can be forced into the rectum or vagina during thrusting, possibly causing irritation, infection and temporary dryness.  Oil-based products, as well as chlorine, cause latex condoms to deteriorate, reducing the amount of protection you’re after.  In sum, as you and your lover attempt sexual positions and feats only known in the weightlessness of water, make sure his willy is well covered so that next summer’s fun doesn’t involve wading in the kiddie pool.

That said, sex in a pool or at sea can make for some new sensations and amazing action.  Positions mastered in shallower waters, especially when you’re at the beach, will depend on the amount of privacy you want and your ability to breathe, whether face up or lying down.  As you work your way into deeper waters, if both of you can touch the ocean floor, you’ll have more standing position options. Taking sex play to deeper waters still will require a tad more athleticism.  By wrapping your legs around his waist, he can enter you from a quasi-sitting position.  Asking him to flex his lower abs can make for a better, steadier thrust.  Ease your efforts with a floatable device, like an air mattress.  With your upper body lying on the mattress, he can enter you from behind while holding onto you or the device.  Lastly, given the many things that can be found floating or swimming in the water, make sure one of you has cleared the port before entry! 

If all of this sounds like more than you’re up for, or if you’re worried about a condom’s underwater effectiveness, keep the action on dry land.  Sex on the beach, under a pool towel, or in the great outdoors near a waterfall have long been popular for feeling like you’re submerged in water without actually getting soaked.  These are also certainly the most ideal options in getting the most protection out of your condom(s).  Regardless of what you choose to do, while most messaging around protecting yourself in summer revolves around whipping out your sunscreen, if he’s whipping out his penis in the heat of passion, make sure he’s sporting one of your latex lifesavers by Elexa in an effort to avoid pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections. 

Does Your Man Still Make You Tingle?

When do sex toys and products stop being an asset and start being a hindrance? I’ve heard of some couples who cannot become aroused unless the costumes, candle wax and handcuffs are at the ready. They’re more turned on by the daring and experimentation than they are the connection with their partners. This troubles me. Will that ever happen to me? Will I become so attached to my inventory of fantasies and my potions d’amour that I’ll forget that its about melting into my man?

What triggered this concern was the purchase of my first bottle of tingling lube. I thought it would be fun and interesting to feel how my body responded to it and for my boyfriend to surprise different parts of my body with it. Then, I started to muse about a time when we’d possibly lose the excitement and simplicity of each other, almost like drug addicts, on a shameless and hopeless quest for a better “tingle.”

I believe in being totally open about sexuality. I believe that whatever consenting adults find a turn-on is fair game. But when the toys take over and become the main course instead of the added spice, what do you do to turn it around and get back on track?

This is why such a large percentage of marriages are sexless. So many couples, the ones without a penchant for toys, cannot reconnect and turn it back around. How horrifying it is for a once-passionate, loving relationship to devolve into a business deal that convenes over morning coffee. But isn’t it just as horrific to be with someone you’ll eventually not recognize outside of your Thursday-night performances of “The International Investment Banker and the Naughty French Bellboy?”

So although I’m not giving up my lube any time soon, and I’ll probably experiment with many more sex aids before its all over, I am paying special attention to staying interested in simple sex: the fingers, tongue and friction variety. I try to always remember what it was like in the very beginning, as a teenager, when just the thought of a cute boy touching me got me excited. And KEPT me excited.

I’ve got an idea. I think I’ll go ask my boyfriend to help me with my math homework.

The Truth About HPV and Condoms

If you turn on the news there is always a reporter telling you some horribly scary fact about sex. But recently, there was good news on the tube. A major finding about condom use and HPV (human papilloma virus) was released by the New England Journal of Medicine. According to the study, “among newly sexually active women, consistent condom use by their partners appears to reduce the risk of cervical and vulvo-vaginal HPV infection.” This is huge! And it’s justifies what many of us have known for years: If you choose to have sex, condoms are your best option for STD prevention.

Continue reading "The Truth About HPV and Condoms" »

When He Wants You Just For Sex

What do you do when you realize that he just wants you for sex?

First of all, you have got to ask yourself what you wanted/expected out of him. If he is nothing more to you than a booty call, and if you just wanted him for sex in the first place, then the relationship might be equitable. I say might because chances are he might not even satisfy you properly and you have to trade him in for someone else.

It's a more crushing blow when you had higher expectations of the guy. If you had him in your mind as your next possible boyfriend, and then after he shags you he ups and dissappears, chances are this will annoy/perturb you. However, you have to realize that not everyone you think fits with you is actually the man for you. There can be a bunch of people that you are compatible with but only a significant few are truly capable of being your significant other. Chalk it up as his loss and move on.

You might think this is easier said than done, but you have to make it a priority to seek your needs first. Do not try and shape yourself into the mold of what he wants his perfect woman to be, if he wants a sex buddy, and you want something more, recognize this and don't settle for less. Don't put his needs ahead of yours. This works both ways. If you wanted from him nothing more than a booty call, and he wants more, let him know what your expectations are and don't acquiesce for his desires unless that is what you really want.

Just be yourself, focus on what you want from the relationship and if he's not the one for you, you have to get over it and wade back into the dating pool.

That's the beauty of dating...there are so many other fish in the sea.

Your thoughts?

How to Get Laid Tonight

Being a single girl is almost nowadays synonymously acquainted with a carefree sex life. It's all about the Big O, whenever, wherever and with whomever we please. However, just because we have less rigidity doesn't mean that we are easy. In fact, we have standards----and rules that you guys might not be aware of.

For starters, consider yourself lucky that I've settled on hanging with you for the night. Don't think that it was a  spontaneous decision based on your witty conversation or merits you laid out. No honey, it was based purely on my intuition and on my attraction to you. If the three parts of me all decide that you are worthy (my brain, my body and my vagina), then you will get a yellow light. However, if one of them objects strongly enough, chances are it ain't happening.

The Triad is all powerful and you have to appease all three to get laid tonight. If you stink, have foul odor of any kind or smell like a bordello, my body will be offended and will convince the others that you are no longer eligible for this smart, sexy lady. You can also be deemed ineligible if you have a cheesy willy, smelly drawers, drown me in saliva while kissing or happen to have hair in all the wrong places.

If you talk to much, or can't string a coherent sentence together, my brain will be very pissed off for your rambling. If you talk about your ex, wife or girlfriend, my brain will also fault you for bringing another woman into this scenario and deem you ineligible (you belong to another woman!) to keep good karma my way. If you refuse to use protection my brain & body will both be insulted and boot you off the island. Likewise, if you lack in most major areas of foreplay and expertise, my vagina will rule that you are totally not worthy.

So you see,if you can pass pass the merit test with all members of the Triad you will get laid tonight. It really is that easy.

Ladies...what do you think about the Triad? Any other thoughts?

Sexual Pleasure - Could You Give it Up?

What would you trade for sexual pleasure? Chances are, not much, if anything at all. But even though we live in this world where we claim to be sexually liberated, some women just keep giving it up without getting anything in return...

Continue reading "Sexual Pleasure - Could You Give it Up?" »

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